This is a hilarious video of Steve Carell and Stephen Colbert arguing which religion is better Islam or Christianity.

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day -
30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything
to men.

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

:-)
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Why call a spade a spade if you can call it bloody shovel?

When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

1) If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too
slowly.

2) Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all
count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

3) The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot
car.

The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

4) Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off
your appetite and you'll eat less.

5) A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories
in one place. Isn't that handy?

6) If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a
balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

7) Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?

A. Because no one wants to quit.

8) Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.

9) Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.

10) Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That
way, at least you'll get one thing done.

11) If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if
you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

I was sprayed by a skunk.

I tripped over my dog and was knocked unconscious.

My bus broke down and was held up by robbers.

I was arrested as a result of mistaken identity.

I forgot to come back to work after lunch.

I couldn't find my shoes.

I hurt myself bowling.

I was spit on by a venomous snake.

I totaled my wife's jeep in a collision with a cow.

A hitman was looking for me.

My curlers burned my hair and I had to go to the hairdresser.

I eloped.

My brain went to sleep and I couldn't wake it up.

My cat unplugged my alarm clock.

I had to be there for my husband's grand jury trial.

I had to ship my grandmother's bones to India.

I forgot what day of the week it was.

Someone slipped drugs in my drink last night.

A tree fell on my car.

My monkey died.

Русская DVD-версия How The West Was Won (название фильма переведено умельцами как "Война на Диком Западе" :-):

Общаются двое солдат, случайно встретившихся после сражения при Шайло. Федерал в удивлении восклицает:

- So, you're a rebel!

Перевод на русский язык: "А, так ты раввин!". Занавес.

В колонках играет - Carl Perkins - That Don't Move Me

(с)stuart1861

В Соединенных Штатах специалисты по компьютерам, занимающиеся сервисным обслуживанием, часто определяют корень проблем клиента как ошибку "ID ten T error". Что же это за ошибка такая?

From Chesire_Cat

Spirit is good but flash is weak - спирт есть - мяса мало
HP Laser Jet - Лазерная струя в лошадиную силу
Space marine - Морской пробел
Enduring freedom - Век воли бы видать!
Airborne - зачатый в самолёте
Super trooper - великолепный паталогоанатом
Duly received - Получил фигу
Honey, don"t! - Мёда нет!
A gypsy woman - женщина из гипса
To kill a man - человек, злоупотребляющий текилой
FAR manager - Начальник далеко
A naked conductor ran along the roof - По крыше бежал голый дерижёр
No need to run - Нет, надо бежать!


From Mrs_J_Sparrow

- Is it India?
- Oh yeah, it is in, dear!

Потерялась американская экспедиция на чукотке. Провиант на нуле, воды и керосина уже нет. А кругом тундра. Видят - чукча сидит, один, рыбу ловит.
- Sir! Sir! Do you speak English?
- Yes , I speak English fluently, but who lee tolku.

- Закрой окно.
- Зачем?
- Дует.
- Do it yourself!

- Наступит Лето...
- Нас с тобой не только Лето тупит...

when the roses are red
they are ready for plucking
when the girl is sixteen
she is ready for high school

Давно искал это в оригинале.

1. "Does Enlarge work on a Sphere of Annihilation?"

Michael Sandy

2. "You wouldn't mind if I took the carpet for a trip over a weekend, would you?"

3. "Was that rune inscribed on the cage important?"

4. "Want some help?"

5. "Could you come down here? I mean, _now_?"

Jason D Corley

6. Quick !! How does one _unsummon_ a demon lord ?

7. I wonder what this wand does ?

8. Remember that demon that you _had_ imprisoned down in the cellar ? Well....

9. Oooops !!

10. Was I supposed to light the candles around the pentagram ?

Jose L. Martinez

11. "You mean those sticks (read wands) in the corner weren't kindling?"

12. "I finally shot that owl that's been folowing you around!"

13. "HHHHHHHEEEEEEEELLLLLLLPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!"

Читать далее...

The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby
English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which
was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's
government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and
has accepted a five year phase in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will
make the sivil servants jump for joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour
of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less
letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like
"fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always
ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of
the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the 4th year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer
kombinations of leters. After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a realy sensibl
riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it
ezi to understand each ozer

ZE DREAM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!

Welcome to Вика_Викуля_Викушка
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Уже не языковые, а литературные перлы. Не к месту, но прикольно.

1.У романтического героя периодически умирает возлюбленная.
2.Романтик сравнивает свою возлюбленную с целым арсеналом определённых полевых цветов.
3.Главная тема трубадуров – любовь за пределами брака.
4.В тюрьме Франсуа Вийон написал своё гениальное стихотворение: «Я – Франсуа Вийон. / И завтра моя шея узнает, / Сколько весит моя толстая задница». Это – бесспорный шедевр средневековой французской лирики.
5.В поэме Чосера паломники идут в Кентербери к мощам святого Томаса Мора.
6.Санчо Панса был верным пехотинцем Дон Кихота.
7.В пьесе Лопе де Вега «Овечий источник» Командор отстаивает своё право на старинный феодальный обычай – право последней ночи.
8.Дон Кихот взял с собою в поход доспехи, шлем, коня и прочее оборудование.
9.То, что Бальзак назвал свою эпопею «Человеческая комедия», с аллюзией на Данте, - это он хотел сказать, что его проза – это не какое-то там хухры-мухры, а очень даже значимое ого-го. Это на самом деле очень важное для нас желание.
10.Честь – это такая сущность, блюдущаяся испанцами.
Еще перлистее

Apple Macintosh (or McIntosh - whatever suits you) = яблоко-плащ
You're fired - ты сгорел (robocop, российское ТВ)
--
цитата неточная, но идея верна
John "the Big" slain in his house - Джон большой Слэйн в своем особняке (oscar)
----

Недавно таки выпустили Robin Hood - Men in Tights на ДВД. Я его
видел только в переводе, очень не понравилось. А тут в магазине
за 9.99 продавали - купил, посмотрел. Изумительный фильм.
Только rabbi Tucman чего стоит :)

Настроение сейчас - could've been worse :)
В колонках играет - "Посвящение рок-критику А. Троицкому" - Облачный Край

Спасибо за симпу коллегам - сообществу Languages ;)

Dear contributors, if your posts contain any reference to sexual stuff or perversion, will you please put it under "RATED" cut. Otherwise you will be banned. Thanx.