https://111.livejournal.com/49309.html

I intend to post more often, I think I would enjoy it. Livejournal is no longer the place to go, so it provides me with the freedom to write all that I think and feel without fear of judgement from those who I may know, and therefore I am able to be more honest and myself. I forget to use it though. However, I would like to point out that I will absolutely not be changing my livejournal name, nor giving it up for anyone who is seeking to have the livejournal name 111. If you want 111 as your livejournal name, then you are out of luck. I chose this name many years ago and for very personal reasons. 111 is my favorite number. 111 has been a very lucky number for my. Coincidentally, while looking at a calendar a couple of years ago I found that April 21st, my birthday is the 111th day of the year...except for leap years. 111 is a pure number. I found it to be representative of so much for me. So NO you may not have it. How much more could it mean to you???? Honestly if you expect for me to give it up, you had better have a large bank account and be willing to offer me some sort of compensation for you taking what has been a part of me my whole life. I don't even think selling names is allowed, so I guess you are still out of luck. Consider yourself unfulfilled. Accept that. I too am unfulfilled and learning that I will have to accept it. We do not always get what we want and no matter how wrong that is or unfair. It is what it is, and we need to just keep breathing and making the best of it.

https://111.livejournal.com/49135.html

so, it has been a while, and I know that nobody uses LiveJournal anymore, so i guess that makes me uncool, and not very consistent at it either. so, um, some stuff happened. mom died, it sucks. I know I usually would post something more introspective about it, but it happened November 18th 2011 and i'm still processing it, so i'll get back to you on the whole introspective thing...

https://111.livejournal.com/48728.html

i'm still here.

https://111.livejournal.com/48610.html

o.k. 27 years old now. it has been years that i have been telling myself to just keep breathing. sometimes that is all you can do...breath. at times despite your best efforts, you find you just keep breathing. a blessing and a curse. so basic, so simple, so torturous, and always so defiant. in the best of times breath is taken for granted, a miracle never acknowledged. inside that deep black nothing, breath is a reminder that time will not consider you, time is a neutral entity, and you just keep breathing. i know i know i sound nutty. here is the thing. i learned a long time ago, that no matter what occurred in my life, until i die, one thing i can be sure will be a constant is that i will keep breathing, and time will not wait for me.
i was broken as a little girl by an evil man who so twisted my brain that i still struggle to see the world as i was meant to, instead of how he trained me to. from the age of 8 until 13 or 14 this man took from me the girl i would be, and left me shattered. now every time i turn around, i am that other girl, fractured pieces of who i know i could be. i let him break me. i told myself to pretend it was not happening, i told myself to forget. i trained myself to break away from the girl he was hurting. i thought it would be best that way. part of me knew it was not right, the things that happened, but i was so young when it began, i was so innocent, and alone. he was an adult, and it was all just so very confusing. being told in school that certain things shouldn't happen, was not enough. they didn't teach you about brainwashing. they didn't teach you that another person could ever get so deep inside your brain and change the way you think. and nobody for sure, ever told me that all these years later, he would still be in my brain. i was a child 8 years old, i knew about bad touching, but i didn't know it was possible for someone to slowly gain my trust and abuse that to the point that i wasn't sure i knew if it was wrong after all. then, when i did begin to see, and i did begin to understand, how was i supposed to end it? he made sure to cover all his bases. over the years he had instilled a great fear in me...he made sure i knew he knew to kill. he made sure i knew he would be able to get away with it. i believed him. he created my truth in my reality.
in the end i did tell, not for my sake, but because through all the years i thought that be allowing him to have me, he wouldn't hurt others. when i couldn't take it anymore and avoided him at every opportunity, i feared for others, but that too i managed to tell myself wasn't real because as i had told myself all those years..'this isn't happening, this isn't real'
a simple question asked of me by a younger distant relative finally broke me.
"do you like bob?" that was it, the whole of the question, and i could have taken it a million ways, but i understood in an instant what was meant. tentatively, i responded
"i don't know, why?"
the answer was the most devastating blow my life had experienced till that moment.
"because i don't like him, he did things to my sisters, i saw him, and he hurt me too."
i told my little relative that i knew too that bob was a bad person, and that he had hurt me too. I said i was sorry because i didn't protect them, but i would make sure i did now.
the next day i went to school, and told the school psychiatrist. then everyone knew. Bob denied it of course, and Bob's girlfriend (the one he got after i refused to see him anymore) she called me a little slut. and said that if anything ever did happen it was because i was always putting my ass in his face, and how was he supposed to resist.
*(for the record i don't recall ever blatantly asking for any thing that happened between us to happen, but anytime that i did passively allow it, was long after he had trained me to do so. yes, i will admit though at first i was not aware of some of the more subtle things he would do, but as i got older i was aware and let it happen, but i knew no other way. this was just the life i knew. and added to that a reminder it wasn't just that he trained me to think it was ok, even if there were things i didn't question, or think were ok, i was scared of him.)*
the DA came to my house and interviewed me. he asked me in front of my mother if i wanted her to leave, i did, but was scared to say so. so she stayed. he asked me for details as it got more intimate for lack of a better word i became more uncomfortable, and began to play the whole thing down embarrassed to have to say these things in front of my mother. i felt like a whore. i was 15. the DA told me that I could press charges if i wanted to but when we went to court i would have to go into very descriptive detail about everything and that Bob's lawyer would make sure to make me look like a liar, or like it was all my fault. I asked if other people had to be there...jury? audience? did i have to say Читать далее...

oh, i cant blame you...it was all me...wanting more than i should have and being too scared to ask if you felt anything like i did...so now what? is that it? another chapter closed....i wish i had the ability to shut off the parts of me that long for everything all at once...it is hard to accept that you are just gone, and yet right there and i am so fucking scared to just say hi. i am crazy and thing you will get all freaked out thinking i am some obsessed lunatic. i am not i just think you are one of those people i want to always know one way of another. it makes me sad to think i found someone with so many great qualities and similarities in how we think about stuff...friends are hard to come bye you know, at least the kind that matter, you know the ones that truly care...to forget a friend is sad, not everyone has had a friend.
i dont want to be forgotten. i can't forget you. come back.....you are one of them....the blue and whites.......

https://111.livejournal.com/48055.html

Yeah bet you thought I abandoned lj huh? Nope, just quit the internet for a while. Too much has happened to include or to bother trying to write. Plus I know that anonomous isn't really possible anymore with this lj as 111's identity was disclosed ages ago... well gotta go maybe ill write again within the year

https://111.livejournal.com/47710.html