В жизни нет другого смысла кроме того, что мы сами в нее вложим;)

Что же касается самокопания, то оно у меня обычно наоборот приводит к каким-нибудь действиям или хотя бы переоценкам. К апатии меня приводит самооправдание.

MrRoss, мне бы так...а то я всегда во всем себя виню...

Винить себя?:) Не надо винить себя ни в чем. Навязывание вины - это способ контроля со стороны других людей. Навязывание вины самому себе - это избиение палкой самого себя.

Попробуй вместо того, чтобы винить себя в чем-то, взять на себя ответственность за это. Вина - это никому не нужная жертва, ответственность - согласие взять ситуацию в свои руки и постараться ее исправить.

MrRoss, я даже не знаю...взять на себя ответственность означает, что мне придется опять первой делать шаг навстречу...а я так от этого устала...чувствую себя тряпкой...хотя многие говорят, что истинно силен не тот, кто ждет, когда ему навстречу кто-то пойдет, а тот, кто сам первым делает этот шаг...

Не то, чтобы это "говорят", так и есть на самом деле. Чтобы ждать, совсем не нужно быть сильным (когда как, на самом деле, но если обратное и бывает, то очень редко и в особых обстоятельствах).

Делать шаг навстречу... Это вообще пожизненная обязанность сильных людей. Но это относится к области долга. А долг и отношения - вещи не то, чтобы несовместимые, но довольно-таки дисгармоничные.

MrRoss, тогда я вообще не представляю, как мне выйти из данного положения...потому что так получилось, что виноваты оба, но второй свою вину не осознает...и ничего с этим не поделаешь...просто у него другое видение ситуации...и делай тут, что хочешь...скорее всего, опять мне придется что-то сделать...а так надоело...

Знаешь, Майа, то, что ты сейчас сказала, точно в такой же степени справедливо и в отношении моей ситуации.

А бывают такие периоды, чтобы у вас все было хорошо?

MrRoss, мда...бывают же такие ситуации, когда проблемы совпадают...
...не припомню, чтобы меня когда-либо все устраивало...хотя...пожалуй, мне было хорошо только на ДР...как это ужасно, когда не можешь вспомнить ничего хорошего...я уже боюсь смс-ки от этого человека получать- каждая сообщает о чем-нибудь плохом: либо там какие-то странные претензии ко мне, либо он не может со мной встретиться, либо еще что-то в том же ключе...сейчас я повела себя относительно пофигично: просто "забила". Потому что меня это все мучает уже полгода. Сколько можно?...так и до психушки недалеко. А мне всего 18 лет. Рановато будет...I wish I could find another man...not this one...because I start to hate him...that's what I'm afraid of...for his careless attitude and so on...but he is too young in his soul for me...yes, he is clever and witty, but he is nothing as a boyfriend...so, I think, if the situation doesn't change i'll be forced to say the last goodbye to him and leave him for good...for my soul to be healed...

Well, I've heard all of this already:) I suppose, you're afraid of being alone, but in the meantime you're absolutely not satisfied with your current relations. And that's understandable for sure. Besides, as I've understand, he is not satisfied with you too. You want more of him and he wants more of you; and none of both of you are ready to give more.

Sorry for this intimate question, but: have you slept with him already? Don't you think this is the "more" you both needs?

It is not the advise in any case. It's just a supposition, nothing more.

Futhermore, there is possibility that this will spoil everything leaving you feeling yourself being used. It's all about the real emotional state of your relationships which is unknown to me.

MrRoss, true...you're absolutely right. "none of both of you are ready to give more"- that's the idea! and the root of all evil...expectations that lead to disappointment...
er...no. we're not that close....I think the problem is with me. I refuse what I am given...AND NOW i CAN'T SAY FOR SURE IF THIS IS WHAT i needed or wanted when I had no possibility for any relationship with this boy...but...he never says anything when he is with me...i mean, he never says that I look nice or sth...nothing...and I don't even know if he enjoys my company. Maybe he thinks of someone else while sitting with me. How do I know that? and there are things that confuse me most of all...if you wish to understand me better, you can look through Nexus' diary-some months ago there was a post where he had written about his feelings to some girl - NOT ME for sure, and we knew each other that time, but were not considered to be a couple. I have a suspicion that he loves her...still loves her...and tries to forget her with my help...maybe I'm mistaken, but that post doesn't give me rest for so much time...I just can't kiss the man who can be kissing somebody else while doing it with me. But at the same time I can't forget his hands warming mine ones...and his bright eyes...so full of light and life...
I haven't written anything im my diary about our last meeting last Tuesday...when I was broken at last...I know he doesn't understand English so I can tell you in English what has happened.
I asked him to bring me some discs, we appointed a meeting, but when I came he said that he was to have an extra-class that day(it was unexpected even for him) and he had forgotten my discs...i was sad...i've been longing for the meeting since my Birthday...but he was looking at me smiling and waiting- every time we part i kiss him(just a simple touch of lips and nothing more),so i did that time. (that's what is strange-when I talk to him or walk with him he does nothing to me-i mean he doesn't try to embrace me or sth, sometimes takes my hand while walking in the street and not more...but when we have to part...he changes!just like there were two different men..he embraces me, kisses me...once I even had to tell him to let me go from his embrace or my trolley would have been gone =)sometimes i feel that he doesn't want me to leave...but that times are exceptions.)So, we appointed another meeting and that day i recieved a message from him that his head was aching terribly and he missed his classes, he apologized and promised to call me that evening. I waited for his call in vain. He didn't.The next day I met him at the university and tried to find out why he didn't call me. He had no reasons, I knew it looking into his eyes and he tried to turn his head for me not to look into his eyes, cause he was confused and didn't know what to say. Then he suggested that we should meet the next day - last Tuesday, and so agreed. I was late for 5 minutes that day and when I was coming to Lenin Square in my bus I saw him walking in the direction of my univer (he takes his bus there usually-near my univer)but we AGRRED to meet NEAR HIS ACADEMY OF LAW!i was furious...no word to describe that feeling...i was mad for that moment...i decided to run and CATCH HIM IF IT WOULD BE POSSIBLE -just to say everything I thought about his filthy deed.(note:I never attend physical education because of my broken leg many years ago, so my legs are completely untrained)I ran...my legs were getting heavier but I forced myself to run. And i caught him only near my univer where he had stopped to talk to a friend of his. He saw me and with a smile said loudly: "Ah,Maya!" I told him some things that I was angry because of his behavior and he explained that he supposed to meet me on his way to my univer!Though I had only first class that day and came from home- I told him that fact earlier but he might have forgotten i admit.He gave me my discs and continued talking to his friend...I didn't know what to do: whether i was to leave or to wait. But long days of waiting made me stay, though i was angry. Then his friend left and he asked me wether i wanted to go somewhere, though admitting that he was cold and couldn't walk for a long time. We went to some central book stores and then he said he was completely cold and wanted to go home ( i must confess his jacket was very thin...)i objected...in my mind =) but said that i would let him go, though i wanted to visit one more book shop-he refused to go with me and we stood at Lenin square. Then i said: "Go." He asked: "Where?",me:"Home",he:"Aaa..."(affirmatively)Then he looked at me in his usual way when he wants to kiss me before we part, he was smiling.But I said:"Bye",Turned and left without even looking at him. I couldn't turn my head and watch the expression of his face...It was so difficult not to cry while i was going home...i was depressed...really depressed...I couldn't stop crying for some hours...i wasn't sure if i behaved in a right way-that was the thing that was tormenting me at that moment.i think my anger led me that time...i alloweded it to...i shouldn't have let it rule my brain...
I'm 99% sure he didn't understand me...i wrote him an sms that day we quarreled- that he had offended me once again and didn't even apologize.No word has been heard from him since that Tuesday...and it's already a week...i blame myself...but so many things he did made me that tough and not underastanding...don't know what to do now...wether i shall talk to him first or wait...
But...concerning having sex with him: how do I also know if this is not the only thing he wants from me?...I don't know men...i can't believe any of them...(not taking you in consideration =)
And there is some strange feeling rising when he touches me-fear, perhaps...Natasha sais he doesn't attract me as a man...maybe as a human but not a man...but...no, I don't think so. It's just my mind and memories of that girl and his offences...I can't believe that everything can be good between he and me...
And still...I feel him being so distant for me...so kissing him is like kissing an unknown man from the street. I wonder if we could ever be closer...or this fragile relationship would shatter like glass...
I told you everything...I hope you can help me...by looking at the situation from your pint of view.
P.S. Nata hates him - now she hates him much more because she cares about me...and I...my mind is peaceful at the moment, my heart is cold and my soul is calm. But every night i can't but think of him...why didn't he stop me that day?..why did he let me go?...was it his proud or selfishness?...or sth else?...

Urghm.
I've read some of his diary. And I can say some things about him and his attitude and so on.

First of all - he is satanist, though you surely know it. And his satanic consciousness is still underdeveloped, it's too little time have passed for him to understand satanism as the way to live and not the way to look and act. His idee fixe now is to dominate over all others. It's the main idea all the satanists gets from the "Satanic Bible" at first and foremost. I suppose it's right - a man have to learn to love himself to consequently learn to love others. But it takes years and requires some serious changes in his life.

He is NOT loving you. You are the perfect toy for him right now (I can say it by myself, as I felt the same for the girls at that period of self-development). For sure he needs some emotional warmth, but he despise himself for that need, and so much he despise you. He DOESN'T WANT to bind himself with you. You makes him feel weaker than he wants to be, and this is the thing he will never forgive you for.

Of course he needs you. He is a man, and you're a woman, and it's not only about sex. It's some animal need in other human being nearby, which, as he think right now, is contradicts with his religion/philosophy. LaVey didn't meant that, but young satanists can't imagine self-respect compatible with respect for someone weaker than they. And that is you: someone weaker.

You think you're strong, and that's really so, I mean it. But you're trying to break the wall with your bare hands. Because he thinks you're weak little being he is able to rule, humiliate and abuse as much as he likes it. And you loves him for that! You're the dream of any recently self-initiated satanist: a perfect opportunity to feed his sadistic needs and raise his self-respect.

Well, that's all I have to say about him. If you'll wait five or six years he will, maybe, do some, let's say, re-estimation of his life. But you don't want to wait this long, because he will never respect you, even after that possible re-estimation. Your self-esteem is already almost broken.

Stop it, I ask you. You'll never get more of him. You'll surely find someone else, someone who would at least respect you. And treat you like a human being.

P.S. Sorry for so many editions of this text, I'm working with my mistakes:)

MrRoss, my god...I'm shocked to the depths of my little fragile soul..........but...there still some things to be mentioned. I was wondering about the fact that he contradicts himself every time in every word! He sais he despises morality and then he holds the door for people to pass through it..i can't undersatnd it. He sais satanists have no human feelings and at the same time tries to embrace me and so on...i hate this trait of his character. can't be sure in anything he sais or does.
Dominate?!HAH! I will never allow ANYBODY to rule ME!!! Too much humiliation is still shaking my mind from school days! I WILL NEVER BE A DOLL IN ANYBODY'S HAND. Neither his nor sombody other's. I think he has to many complexes within himself and tries to fight them with his swords and satanism. Just to find a way out.Just to find a way in which he is able to love his miserable and pathetic person (if he understands my words he would kill me =))) As for me, I consider these satanic entertainments BULL SHIT (sorry for being rude) and I despise all the things he worships.
Not loving me. Yeah, I know. Still I am able to separate using from loving. A toy. And this I know too.
You know, I have always thought that feelings is weakness =) and they need to be got rid of =)
Yep, he doesn't want any bindings, but why is he so jelous then? He thinks that I CAN'T meet with other boys or have them as my friends! I am not a thing to belong to someone. My soul is free from any frames.
Hah, so they don't even understand their teacher LaVey in a right way, you mean?! Poor things...I have nothing but pittiness for them...=)))
Am I so much weaker?! Because I'm a woman? that's what drives me mad - to be considered the weakest creature in the world. But yes, he considers me weak, he told me once. I still remember that quarrel...
Filthy little coward...he doesn't know me well! So. It's high time to show him my sharp teeth ready to bite anyone who tries to humiliate me.
No future for us then, i believe. Being a cold-hearted snow queen is better than being a toy in the hands of a stupid coward, hiding his weak sides.
Never shall I be free from this burden...self-hating...but I can love myself. I can be myself. And not to try to be sth for sb.
It will end soon. Believe me. My mind is tough and the decision is made. Let him suffer one day!!! To understand that once there was sb loving him , not despising as everyone else did. He knows he is not needed. That's why again satanic studies help him to ease his pain.
I've been a vampire for all my life. I felt stronger and smarter, more developed mentally than others. It led me to loneliness...but i love my freedom ... and no one shall ever take it from me by his filthy attempts.

That's the spirit!;)

I respect your decision, and I really hope you'll find enough willpower to complete it. You know, the little problem is that these relations have been giving you both something you needed. And now you both will feel a lack of it. And you've got to fight not only with your regret for this little something, but with his too. Yes, maybe he will make the proud gesture and will simply go away, but for some reason I don't think so. Maybe because he is really not this strong as he wants to be. So, maybe he will come back to you speaking of love and need in you and something. In that case, I assure you, after all - YOU will be guilty in his weakness and his inner (and outer) humiliation in his eyes. He will hate you for this, so if you really ready to do what you want to do - do it, but just don't turn back, for the sake of yourself.


And, concerning satanism, there was the only real satanist in this world, and he's died nine years ago. I've explained something about him to your friend My_Diary_Of_Dreams in the comments on my diary's post about "Christian Satanists".

MrRoss, yeah. That's right - my will is not strong enough to enconter such troubles...after all these months of laying on my bed with my leg broken...it changed me somehow...I became weaker- physically and mentally...and more sentimental..Heart of steel became the heart of clay...
And i learnt how to feel...maybe because i was broken by that shock of being totally helpless afterall...I thought I needed a kind of a guardian =) my knight =))) I couldn't protect myself at school...my strength was not enough to stop them laugh, and I had no one by my side...the end of the eleventh grade made me some kind of a little vampire-like goth =) Though I'm still not in "тусовка", that's what they call it =) a gothic unity of our city, including fake little posers, who think they suffer! I believe, they don't even know what real pain is...the sound of your bones being fixed without anastesia, and that monstrous pain...i would never wish anybody to suffer physically like that...
But, my thoughts are flowing not cosequently...sorry...
Yes, of course everyone wants to blame me in his sins! Just not to be guilty in one's own eyes. Cowards.
Proud...Devil's gift...temptation...or curse...it effects men much more. Why, I wonder?.....my fault is only in that i fell in love with such a ...thing...don't know how to call him now...
It's not that easy..i undersatnd...his brown eyes would chase me every night and day, tormenting my soul and heart, trying to reach the depths of my cosciousness...i knew i shouldn't have looked into them...i always remember their eyes...and then i can't forget them...i haven't looked into his eyes in particular for months! and then...i broke my own rule...and have to pay for it this very moment.
I wonder if a satanist can be "re-convinced" in his views?I mean, not to be a satanist any more...or is it so deep in one's soul that it can't be torn out?...but...i believe, no...if only it could be that easy...i would have changed him...he can love. But he refuses any feelings. But that was already told.
...if I could turn back time, i would have chosen never to meet him...
But there was one more thing...he told me once that every time a girl left him he carved his nick in his skin on his hand with a knife...a horrible thing...i don't want him to do it again, for I care for him...mind can be persuaded but not heart...
I know that everything's gonna be alright. And I'll be fine. After burning the last bridge.
Again...wrote not the things i intended to...sorry...
But...i wonder, if i ever can be happy again...and love sb else...
That's it. Enough tears. No more to cry.

Re-convincing satanist... heh:) Noone can reconvince somebody in his religious views unless he wants it by himself. And if he don't want this - your try will have opposite results. Though you may try - and see it by yourself.

Try ro understand - satanism is not about simple beliefs, it's about soul state. He wants to be this hard, and he'll do anything for this.
And, after all, problem is not in satanism. Satanist can love, believe me. He can love as any normal human can. The problem is HE don't need a love right now. He will need it much later, when he will convince himself that he is god enough to let himself be somewhat human.

Carving the names? Have you seen these scars?:) It looks like he likes it, after all. It makes him feel strong too, I suppose.

MrRoss, right, I see ... But I believe i can convince people =) or manipulate them sometimes...even unwillingly...they always do what I want them to do =))) I wouldn't say all people I met were weak, - no, I found the right arguments =) But for the trick to work the matter shall be studied properly. Maybe if I study this belief more thoroughly i will be able to find some arguments that will influence the man...but...he believes I am a satanist too =) how can it be possible? I have never read LaVey or Crowly or sth!...maybe he doesn't think that I'm "true" but he thinks I have sth of it inside of me =) But in fact I am a little gothic pest rather than a satanist =)
You know, nothing happens because of nothing...this state of soul was made by humans somehow...I don't know much about his school life, but if he was humiliated it might have affected him...and thus his choise can be explained. I know that girls couldn't stand his awful character =)))) and one story shocked me when i heard it from him: he had a girl and they were together for 2,5 years. And once he came into the room he saw his girl making love with his best friend!!!...he hinted that his friend was "libra" too =) is it an inuendo that I would behave like he did?! That I would betray?! I don't know wether he loved her or not, but I guess he did and his feelings were hurt. Who would stand such a scene? If I were him I would have killed the girl. But also I understand her - there might be sth he couldn't give her- the same is with me now. Maybe it was love, or attention or patience...or maybe he didn't suit her as a man =) I have never asked him about the reasons...i feel when he doesn't want to speak...that was the matter he didn't want to discuss and i didn't insist on it. Maybe now he doesn't believe girls...and me too...he is scared...and becomes more rough and stone-like...maybe the matter is not in the lack of need for love but in fear of it?...
But what if he never understands how to be a Human?...he will be alone...
No, I haven't seen them- he is always wearing long-sleeved T-shirts - the sleeves reach the elbow and I can't see the most part of his hands. But I'd like to see =) just to be sure it's true =)besides, i like his hands =) they're really strong ones =)
Hm...what a pit of complexes! He would never overcome all of them...and will always feel like fighting. Once he had to overcome himself and call me after a quarrel- he was to be blamed in that case, he even knew it. He said he didn't want to lose me and he missed me very much and so on...i didn't know what to do and i behaved like a weak creature - i forgave him...for all that days of tears and enormous moral pain...i forgave...and now it repeats.
A week and a half has passed...no sign of his life...i wish he wouldn't come to my univer! Don't want to see him, cause i have no idea how to react in such a situation...but i have his f***ing CDs! He will obviously phone some day to take them back and i'll have to meet my fear- face to face. When he posesses my things (CDs in this case) i feel like i'm bound to him...and he has 3 of my discs...I can't leave them to him! They're precious ones! =(
By the way, do you need any more black-metal? There were 4 new DVDs with it =) his DVDs =) but the music is good! If you like, i'll send you my renewened catalogue =) And i owe you Oblivion-I remember. I'll return it next Monday, I promise.
Sould have said less about my personal problems...but i can't keep them inside anymore...

One question: how old is he?

P.S. I could help you to unredrstand the satanism and provide you with any information you need - if you really want to know.

P.P.S. Yes, new music will be welcomed:) My brother is interested in it, so let's see your new black-metal catalogue:)

MrRoss, he is 19,5 =) a little one =) physically and mentally =)
Re: P.S. YES, I'm sure I want to know about it as much as I can ...
Ok, I'll send it to you in a few days =)

Then I think he is a pretty little liar, making laugh at the little naive girl, which likes his face and counts it as "love", and believes all what he says.

Ask him just once to prove his words (about names, carved with knife, for example) - and let's see the results.

Of course I may be mistaken. That's just what I think, after all.

MrRoss, ..and what I think afterall is that this little fucking coward doesn't deserve such a thing like me =) let him be drowned in the abyss of self-love and hate =) ...and loneliness as a sequence =))) for I am EVIL INSIDE!!!

So be it:)

MrRoss, true =) by the blessing of the black sky! =)