Wow-ho-how!:(... Did something bad happened to you? "Enslaved" is very strong word, you know.

MrRoss, I know...that's why I used it...the most suitable one...nothing bad in particular, but still...waiting hurts more than the sharpest knife...and I can't find HIM...don't know where he is...know nothing about him for more than month...love kills...

I feel somewhat similar right now, but I know the exact date when my waiting will over, so it's much easier for me to wait. But still it's not the way I wanna be:) I want it faster, but there is still three weeks left. And it makes me sick:( But not enslaved.

Love is frightening when it can't be fulfilled. In my past there where period when I've been waiting for a few years, knowing nothing about even if this love possible or not. And I've made it possible by my own hands... and then lost it this easy to find another love.

Oh, why am I talking you about it?:( Don't think it'll help you. Just one more thing to say: if he need it, he will return; but if he don't - this love will bring you only the pain.

MrRoss, pain...I guess it's the only thing left for me...somehow, I feel that i'm a burden in some way...but how can I be, if I phone once a month?...he makes me feel this not even knowing it...I torment myself...I know...that's why I shall end this...the sooner the better. Our roads are different...I think he won't return............

Evil_Inside667, few years (or even months) will pass and you'll forget all these extreme feelings. And everything will be alright. You'll certainly meet someone who will be the one - it is the order of life.

Pain can't be the only thing left. By these words you abusing those people who have some really painful injuries or illnesses - but I'll not tell them, I promise;) You've got the whole life to live, many people to meet, to friend, to love, to disappoint, to hate - so what?:) It's life, and this is for you to choose how to live it. And, you know, pain is not an option. Pain is the shortest way to the grave or lunatic asylum. Or loneliness. Answer to yourself: do you REALLY need it? There is no need to torment yourself.

Make your choise.

I have no right to give advises, but I think you should find a new way to live. Send him to hell, if he deserves it. He will be welcomed there>)

MrRoss, I hope I can leave all these feelings and memories one day...but...I've been dreameing about such feelings for all my life! I'm such a creature that thought it couldn't feel at all and now...the world I knew turned upside-down when this man appeared for the firs time! Now I can behave like humans do...not like an Ice Qeen =))
Pain...hah =) I remember the day I broke my leg- and that pain...it was horrible...no medicines to ease my pain...no close human being to support me...it broke my soul in some way I believe...but I didn't even cry...didn't eat...didn't speak..two weeks of agony at the hospital and then I came back to my dear Khabarovsk, to my parents and friends who visited me...but when I came back I knew - I was different...not the same girl that I used to be, but sth wild and relentless...and these feelings helped me to resurrect some of my inner goodness...he helped...
No, I know I don't want loneliness...I want love...and my man beside me...but does he understand it?...I guess, no...that's the matter...he suffered enough and became like me =) but I want to help him...to recover his soul...and I promised never to make him suffer again...that's my purpose =)and my cross is to wait...hm....I've told you too many details I guess...sorry...thank you for your advise! I appreciate it, really =)

Evil_Inside667, it's OK about details, if it makes you feel better. Sometimes it is necessary to share your feelings with someone, and a stranger is not the worst option, you know:)

There is one little story, that is maybe somewhat similar to yours, maybe not similar at all.
There was times when I've hated my wife. I thought she has broken my life, destroyed all my dreams and so on. I know she thought the same thing about me. And, to be honest, we both were right at the some point. I've betrayed her for the sake of another girl, she wanted badly to change me for her own taste, make me different person. There was many very bad things between us. And there was pain too. Very big amount of this nasty feeling.
And, after all these things, we both have discovered that we still love each other. So, all we needed is to forgive and forget. And we made it. And everything is alright now.

That's how it happens sometimes.
Sorry if I've bored you:)
Sorry if I've disappointed you. We all are just beings.

And, if you'll allow me this question, I would ask you: how do you think, you love HIM, or do you love the feeling of love itself?
I don't force you to answer.

MrRoss, again- thank you =)I didn't know anyone could be interested in someones's feelings, especially in feelings of an unknown person...
I read your story carefully to see the most important thought and to see the truth if I can say so =) I think I often need a piece of good advice, and sharing experience is one of the most useful things - just not to repeat mistakes...
Never bored with you and never disappointed =)
I will answer your question...yes, I believe I love him...there's sth between us, that keeps us together...and sth that makes me tolerate all this waiting...I know I can't leave him...maybe he will...but I...never. We're alike, I guess he sees it, but can neither understand nor do sth with it...sth made him return some time ago, when he said it was over...but there was nothing at first, I felt sth, don't know if he felt the same, he tried to hold his feelings, but i think he couldn't. And so he asked to forgive him and i forgave...since that time we're together - for some months, I believe, not long time, I must say, but many things happened...but still I can't even kiss him...and again he doesn't understand why...I always want to touch him, to embrace him, but I' m afraid of him now...this tears me apart...if I can't overcome my fear I would never be happy with him...I remember the moment a week ago, when we stood, embracing each other, face to face and he tried to kiss me, but I pressed my lips close together and couldn't even open my mouth...he was looking at me for a moment and then released...I think he felt offended in a way...but...I couldn't...I tried to force myself but with no result...then I've been thinking about that moment for many days and can't forgive myself for being so scared of a man...maybe you can give me some advice concerning this problem? cause it really becomes a problem and I know not what to do...

Evil_Inside667, I think it's time for him to do something. To make a step, if I could say so.
I don't know him, that's a problem. But... have you ever tried simply to talk with him about it all?
My wife had the same kind of behavoir, the same kind of fear after some bad thing has happened by my fault. And, you know, it's all the matter of time. I've had to show her that I still love her and have no meaning to hurt her. And it worked out, consuming some time though.
Of course it's better to say this all to him, not to you, because it's he who have to wait.

Yes, man always feels himself offended when woman denies him intimacy (including even kissing). You have to know it to understand him. Sometimes this offence makes man forget all the bad things he has done to her. I know it by myself. But if he have the head on his shoulders, he should think about it sooner or later. And maybe you have to explain him that you don't hate him, he doesn't makes you feel disgust, it's just all about fear. Don't make him feel it's his own fault, at least not in open words.
Make him understand all you need is confidence that he will not hurt you anymore.

That's all I can advise. I can't be more concrete 'cause I don't know him. But you do. And you have to know how to speak with him.
If you want to be happy with someone, first thing you have to learn is to speak openly with that person. Or you'll never be truly together.

MrRoss, that's my problem - I'm a coward...I know that and all my life I've been trying to overcome it but unsuccessfully...have no strength to talk to him...I tremble even when I'm going to phone him, and no words are left to say what happens when we're going to meet...that comes from my self esteem which is so low, that I can't feel good even when talking to my friends...sth rather stupid, but it's roots are in my school relationships, that completely destroyed my powerful personality and left me as a weak creature that needs someone to protect it from the world...it's difficult to be different...society tries to kill the individuality itself...
and, the matter is that I'm not sure weather he loves me or not...this thing also makes me hesitate...if i knew that for sure I wouldn't be so scared...to know the truth...but you know, I will talk to him. that's the thing to be done.
I...didn't mean to offend him...my Lord...i said:"later", should have told "the next time" maybe...and what's happened?...i feel bad...made him feel bad...torment myself and torment him...but when I lie in bed at night i think about him...think of how i could have kissed my beloved one...and some strange feeling touches my insidings...like fear or sth...i haven't felt anything like this before, so can't be sure...
Yes, you're right. I will, as I've already told you. To speak openly...yes...that means being close mentally- the most important thing, I believe...I have to be strong enough...
And...thank you once again...now I know what to do...

Evil_Inside667, that's a good decision:) The first step in order to overcome yourself is to decide. Second step is not to look for excuses not to do what is decided. Surely it will be "there is no time", and "I've got something to do", and "it's rainy today" and so on. "What decided is have to be done right now" - you should use this rule at a constant basis. "Right now" - it's because of the fear, which becomes stronger with every second passed between decision and action.

I know this all by myself too. I'm talking about school relationships, broken individuality, etc. I've got all of this in my past. And, now I know this: you are not a coward. To be different means to be stronger than those who making laugh at you but will never ever think about something by themselves.
With that difference you've risen above them and became alone because of that. And this great Emptiness around you have scared you. There's nothing strange in it, and it doesn't makes you coward. Human beings always afraid of Emptiness, that's why they're tend to stick together.
And there's nothing strange with your insecurity right now. It's normal. It doesn't makes you coward either.
This insecurity and fear is just another barrier to go through. And the help and support from your man is something you really need. That's why you need to fight with your fear. You should show your fear who's in charge:) Because even if your fear is your enemy now, someday you'll learn how to control it, and your fear will become your ally. Someday you'll understand it by yourself, or maybe I'll explain it to you later. But now you just have to understand that there is no sense to fear the fear.

А теперь не откладывай в долгий ящик и делай то, что должна. У тебя все получится.

MrRoss, The decision is made. For two days already I've been trying to call him, but the phone is busy! I'm going mad...just walking around my room and thinking that I need to talk to him the sooner the better...I will be strong and serious. No jokes this time. just my mind to be fixed and my feelings to be alive.
The Emptiness...always surrounding me...that's why I've been alone for all my life...and he is the first and the only...that's why i'm so scared...to lose the only thing I've got...
But...I'm happy that you believe in me...let it be so...the thing is to be done.

;)