Настроение сейчас - vague

when your previous life is almost over or at least you see that you are falling into an abyss
and you will never be the same and all your life will be changed and you feel the sense of the saying
" What is done can not be undone" you grasp that to err is human. But to err SO MUCH as you do.... what for? why? How come?
My mom told me about the picture she saw yesterday - a smart, handsome guy walking with an oriental girl in the scarf,scolding at her nd saying that she doesn't understand or know anything, that she is dull and obedient and stupid and awesome. But she didn't object. She agreed and nodded. So it's quite a contrary situation to mine. I DON'T want to be like her. MISH AIZA. I wanna be smart, intelligent, beautiful, target-oriented, interesting, loved, attractive... but not just sit at home, doing nothing, lazying on the sofa, putting on weight, getting stupid,covering all my body,forgeting myself in pots and washing.
No, NO! All my soul and body are against it.
So I believe, when I meet MY man, he will love me for everything I have and won't make me change anything in me. And I will never try to change anything in him. Because we love not FOR something, but DESPITE everything.
Once I thought I did find such a man, but now... when he failed to give me any promises and hopes and plans for the future, I feel I should start a new life, but only by myself and FOR myself.
Ana badawel besooba, however difficult it is.