Настроение сейчас - vague

when your previous life is almost over or at least you see that you are falling into an abyss
and you will never be the same and all your life will be changed and you feel the sense of the saying
" What is done can not be undone" you grasp that to err is human. But to err SO MUCH as you do.... what for? why? How come?
My mom told me about the picture she saw yesterday - a smart, handsome guy walking with an oriental girl in the scarf,scolding at her nd saying that she doesn't understand or know anything, that she is dull and obedient and stupid and awesome. But she didn't object. She agreed and nodded. So it's quite a contrary situation to mine. I DON'T want to be like her. MISH AIZA. I wanna be smart, intelligent, beautiful, target-oriented, interesting, loved, attractive... but not just sit at home, doing nothing, lazying on the sofa, putting on weight, getting stupid,covering all my body,forgeting myself in pots and washing.
No, NO! All my soul and body are against it.
So I believe, when I meet MY man, he will love me for everything I have and won't make me change anything in me. And I will never try to change anything in him. Because we love not FOR something, but DESPITE everything.
Once I thought I did find such a man, but now... when he failed to give me any promises and hopes and plans for the future, I feel I should start a new life, but only by myself and FOR myself.
Ana badawel besooba, however difficult it is.

Настроение сейчас - mish mabsuta

THe real spring has set in in Moscow- the city that was once my native one but now seems so distant and foreign to my nature. My heart doesn't belong here any more.
Today I returned from the city which is my AUTHENTIC home. I left a person there who is the dearest creature in my life now. And even despite all the things he tells me, all what he presses me for I still can say that I CAN do it and sacrifice it for his sake.
Walking home some minutes ago I felt the smell of cherry, jasmine etc. in the wind. It's delicious, but nothing in comparison with HIS smell, smell of Egypt, local oils, that of sea...
The girls in the Cultural Centre seem to be the only friends of mine as we have the same interests, likes, preferences, and aims in our life.
My current target is obvious- to be with him. Anyway. I don't know right away WHAT God to pray to make this take shape.
How can people be so inconsiderate and oblivious of other people and first say " You will have to stay here for two more days as there are no tickets" and then they find free places and take away your last hope?
Now my table is littered with things, souvenirs from Sharm that Shams gave me for nothing. At least this helps me to feel that I'm there yet.
Oh, God! Ya, Rab! Help me to find a job in Sharm and unite me with HIM!
It's impossible to convey the feeling how wonderful it is to wake up by his side and awake him with a kiss, to lie on his chest, running my fingers over his hair, touching his ribs, thighs, hands and legs, his back...make his room, do the shopping for his home, buy him presents in the man's section, make him massage, wait for him at the mountains, count minutes in the airport and find him waiting for me, with flowers and the same smile. It's indescribable.

When your birthday is quite at hand you start feeling a bit old, a bit more melancholic and reflecting.
What have I achieved during this year? Have I got anywhere?And I also seem to feel like drawing some results.
The first higher education is over as well as my first real love.As the doors were closed I perceived that the gates to my and his heart were closed as well.
Did I love him? Surely I did. We were one unit, one soul. He even didn't need to say a word for me to understand him. And what's now? Never to hear his voice again? Never to see his cursory smile? How come?.....
But may be it's for the better.
I had a good time in the country house with my friends though now all is over with it.
Starting the post-graduate education I thought I found what I was longing for, but at present I understand that all this university "ist nur ein Geschaft". Thus now, facing also some problems with mathematical&economic models, personnel management, economic theory I am really eager to stop this all and go to courses at Plekhanov's academy.
This year as my Indian friend foretold me, I travelled quite a lot what brought its fruit.
I've become a different person.
and... this is the 1st birthday I will celebrate alone, in a different country- sounds so strange...
so many changes in my life that I can hardly steal some time for writing poems ansd songs that I used to do.
How can I come to senses and return my previous life once again?
and the main question....- should I actually do it ... or may be not...?

Having my birthday celebrated in Egypt I just grasped it was not only a birthday (the best one in my life) but a kind of honeymoon. And... a lesson as well. Now I am in the know what and WHOM I want. I wanna be with RAGAB SABRI MOHAMMED MANSOUR SALEM. Can't believe my eyes but I do. He is the turning point in my life who managed to change it and make it unrecognisable.and... if ALL (my health) is OK I would like to share my life with him whatever difficulties we face in the future. If he is away I will DIE.

How come that people fall in love with each other so greatly, so much that they can't live without each other even a day?
How cruel other people around are! They wanna ruin everything you have, they curse and anathematize you as if the origin is of some importance.
Yes, I'm in love, even more than that. I love. But due to such a great difference beween us we face so many problems that at times I think we'll never be happy again.
He's my life and he called me " My butterfly, my moon". He kissed me in the forehead, in my eyes, my hands and palms. He cooked for me, made the room, mended my clothes and carried me in his hands.
When we were making love with each other he's so tender that i can hardly imagine that it's NOT LOVE.
I can't live without him. just can't do it. He's my life and my soul now.I'm about to sacrifice everything for his sake.
I should, I must see him again- his eyebrows, eylids, dark eyelashes, deep eyes reflecting the sun of the whole Egypt, hairy and strong hands and chest, his charming smile. His oriental aroma and sense of his body and stuble)) I can't live without it from now on.
I wanna feel him inside me, his warm even hot kisses, his hugs. No.... it's impossible to go on like this. I''ll go crazy if I don't see him again.
Just can't stand it any more.
I want to be again by his side and sing him songs in whisper. And he, vice versa, will translate Arabic songs to me.
That's the real happiness.
Give me my life back- he pleads with me, but I can tell you, my darling, my soul is longing for the same!

Ну наконец-то и среда близится, а она, как известно, "неделе конец".
3 контракта отгружены, 4ый посольский простаивает ну и ладно- не моя это головная боль.
Елка на рабочем столе покосилась, словно решила символизировать мою жизнь. А по коридорам,словно тень отца Гамлета, ходит призрак начальника, который ДОЛЖЕН подписать мне назначение,но, словно нарочно заболел и теперь будет отсутствовать Н-ное количество времени.
Впереди лишь обещанные -20 за окном и виски в пятницу в честь...?? ну, просто выходных и Старого НГ. А... и целый месяц каникул- первых на втором образовании.
Наверное, так и должна выглядеть жизнь обычного, малообеспеченного, но целеустремленного человека.
Но мне почему-то кажется, что все это выглядит слишком буднично серо и уныло, а так хочется солнца, радости в ДУШЕ (ударение на второй слог) и какой-то непредсказуемости и безумия.
Скорее, скорее накопить денег и "свинтить" куда-нибудь пусть даже в Египет. Главное,- за новыми ощущениями, чувствами и эмоциями. И страстью, конечно. Как же без нее?
Так что 6000 на немецкий, 8000 на бабушкин юбилей,30000 на клубную карту в фитнес клуб и 50000 на Президент-отель и...
ключик у меня в кармане!!)))

Уже январь....как странно...
вчера вернулась с дачи, вернее-еле вернулась. полчаса мерзла на платформе в связи с опозданием электрички.
Утром, надеясь, что родной город встретит меня приветливо, поняла, что это далеко от реальности-за стеной скреблись соседи, а в начале восьмого утра принесились усердно работать лопатами дворники, так что на ****ов фитнесс, ради которого специально вернулась на пару дней пораньше, пришлось идти почти разбитой.
И зачем, спрашивается? Зачем все время куда-то гнаться? к чему-то стремиться? Чего-то хотеть, а потом постоянно разочаровываться?
На носу презентация, а руки ну просто не поднимаются.
А почему? Силы, вроде бы, есть, да и способности,в принципе, то же. Чего же нет?
Может, того САМОГО?
Так хочется убежать куда-нибудь, уехать (ну хотя бы на выходные). Почему-то хочется совсем простого, ничего особенного. Даже странно...а может это потому, что я просто ЧЕЛОВЕК и желания у меня тоже, простые, человеческие???....
Да.. мне хочется лишь ЕГО: увидеть, услышать. Ой.. нет.. ни за что.... это все давно похоронено и погребено заживо... Да, наступил новый год и надо начинать жить заново.
Хм... интересно, почему каждый день получаешь по дюжине писем на эмейл, все добавляются в друзья, и вот, когда кажется, что у тебя полно и друзей и знакомых, ты вдруг понимаешь, что совсем одна.

в желании куда-нибудь вылить все накопившееся и еще копящееся создается данный дневник.
а что касается меня... я самая обыкновенная....