You know, I used to be so...determined.

I was fearless and impetuous. I was so self-assured, like - nothing can broke me, nothing can influence, cause every thing in my life goes the way I want, even if it includes other people's lifes. And everything, you know, really went the way I wanted and only that way. If something unexpected were hapenning, I just thought, you know, well, it is in my plan now. It is still my plan. It is still right.

I was so sure and so - I can turn every trifle and every disaster in my own action. Every one acted by my rules only, if it was my life. I never doubted, I never stopped. I never run away, never ever! And then...

Then?

What happened then?

Do I recognize myself, I wonder? No, obviously, no. I don't. 

So, what happened exactly? After what I've started to run, to doubt, to be afraid? My best guess is - I just realized that my self-assurence was an illusion. Great and big and brilliant illusion. It helped me to be so fearless and go forward, never looking back. Brilliant illusion, allowing you be some kind of god, allowing you do your thing and don't think at all. Now - I have to learn to gain this difficult skill! I can't do smth without stopping myself hundred times before, million times after starting... That is so horrible.

And that is so not me.

And I understand, yes, that this is for good, that I need to have a clear mind. I understand that this is one of such life-periods you have to pass. I understand, that I always had fears and always wanted to run, I just didn't dare to let myself see it. I couldn't see it, I hadn't let myself. Now I can see it and accept it and change it, but... but, you know, I think it's so great to have that illusion and to be fearless and have inextinguishable bright eyes.

I think, that's what we call childhood.

So, from now on, I need to remember how it was - to be a child. I need to be a child a little more and just... act.