Стащил у приятеля тут: http://ace-alex.livejournal.com/15497.html

Ржал, как бешеный, чего и вам желаю. Но вот переводить диалоги пока не буду - читаем в оригинале! Итак, пишет ace-alex:

"Диалоги ниже мне прислал на почту товарищ. К дилогам была приписка, что все они были напечатаны в книжке под названием "Бардак в американских судах". Перевод названия книжки мой, может у нас её переиздадут или уже переиздали и под каким другим именем. Но диалоги шикарны. Местами я просто плакал. 


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? 
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" 
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? 
WITNESS: My name is Susan! 

____________________________________________ 

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? 
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. 
____________________________________________ 

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? 
WITNESS: No, I just lie there. 
____________________________________________ 

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? 
WITNESS: Yes. 
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? 
WITNESS: I forget. 
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? 
___________________________________________ 

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? 
WITNESS: We both do. 
ATTORNEY: Voodoo? 
WITNESS: We do. 
ATTORNEY: You do? 
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. 
____________________________________________ 

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? 
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? 
____________________________________ 

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? 
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ. 
___________________________________________ 

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? 
WITNESS: Are you shitting me? 
_________________________________________ 

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? 
WITNESS: Yes. 
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? 
WITNESS: having sex ____________________________________________ 

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? 
WITNESS: Yes. 
ATTORNEY: How many were boys? 
WITNESS: None. 
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? 
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? 
____________________________________________ 

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? 
WITNESS: By death. 
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? 
WITNESS: Take a guess. 
____________________________________________ 

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? 
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. 
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? 
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. 
_____________________________________ 

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? 
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. 
______________________________________ 

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? 
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. 
_________________________________________ 

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? 
WITNESS: Oral. 
_________________________________________ 

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? 
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. 
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? 
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. 
____________________________________________ 

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? 
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? 
______________________________________ 

And the best for last: 

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? 
WITNESS: No. 
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? 
WITNESS: No. 
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? 
WITNESS: No. 
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? 
WITNESS: No. 
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? 
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. 
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? 
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.