How'd you find yourself if you never roam?
14-08-2014 03:26
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It has been a long time..
So many things have happened with the world and me but still somehow it seems that nothing changes.
I am currently unemployed and really it is starting to piss me off (for 6 months already!). But first there were exams at the University, then Olympic games in Sochi, then Europe with criminal Naples and charming The Veils' concert, then Iceland and then again exams. So I have been searching for work only for 1.5 months but still.. I want to work! I don't have an idea how to fill the day. I even started cooking (!).
Good thing is that at least I know what field I want to work at. Charity or smth equally helping. I understood that working just for money 12-14 hours a day is not my thing. I want to do smth that matters for fuck's sake. Not killing my brain cells so smb rich is able to have a ride from the airport to the hotel in a Mercedes S-Class (even if the car will be delivered from another city, don't even dare to offer BMW 7 series). I know I already "knew" once that I want to design interior but I hope this knowledge is deeper and has smth to do with my fucking destiny or smth. Because I really want to finally find my own way in this life and this way should preserve myself, my principles, my core. At one moment I understood that I love the person who I am now. Of course I need some polishing but overall I'm happy with myself. But I also understood that the most important and the most fragile part is my core and if it was destroyed I would collapse and break down. I am my core, without it this personality will cease to exist.
I found my recipe of happiness. It is just being positive :). But despite it's simplicity it is based on logic and rationality. The thought came to me when I was on a plane from Guangzhou to Sydney and we flew in a very hard zone of turbulence, you know when the plane very suddenly goes down. I understood that it of course can crash and bye-bye but also everything can be alright and nothing of it depends on my fear so this fear is just useless and irrational. The same with the positive vibe. Everything can be bad, good or indifferent eventually but before that you can hope for the best and enjoy the process. It is better for your own good and your nerves. Pessimistic approach in this case is just irrational.
I'm currently living alone :). God, it is perfection. But I have time only until mid-September - October, after that I will have to move out. So I need a job to rent a flat. Connected with charity. To rent a flat in.. Moscow. God help me. But I will manage somehow, I don't doubt myself)
Travelling. Last 8 months were full of this precious word.
In Guangzhou (China), the short transit to my dreamland Australia, I was a little shocked by people who pointed their fingers at me and were very surprised by non-narrowness of my eyes. Australia is heaven. With endless beaches of Goldcoast, skyscrapers of Brisbane, cosiness of Port Campbell, majesty of 12 Apostles, diversity of Sydney and live music (Tanya Batt!)/ dancing in Melbourne. It was so unbelievable to change cold grey Moscow winter of 2013/2014 on hot Australian summer. I hope I will visit this continent again and again in the future.
February was an Olympic month. First time in my life I saw an Opening ceremony to the Olympic games on.. TV but so close to it. We've been to several competitions and it was awesome. Atmosphere of holidays, drive, happiness, warmth..so many emotions. A short dive into extraversion and realization of some mistakes of the past which just turned into a damn obsession. And finally I was introduced to wine. First taste belonged to Abkhazia. Mmm..
March and Italian Europe. Italy. Everybody knows that I love Italy. This time my route started in Naples, then was Perugia and Venice. Naples was mostly as criminal as it promised to be. My phone was stolen and I wasn't the only one. But despite this it is extremely beautiful. The view of the city's centre from the upper part during sunset is breathtaking. Sadly the photos of it were saved only on my stolen phone. Perugia is a small cozy city with magnificent views but my opinion was a little damaged because of some pervert who followed me at 5AM on my way to the train station. Venice was perfect. Weather, sunsets, Vivaldi's music played on a violin in a cathedral, hot chocolate at the St. Mark's Square and endless canals.. After Venice I had a short trip to Brussels where The Veils were as always perfect. I loved the city in a spring warm sunlight. Green lawns, morning haze and belgian waffles :). Last stop was Riga. Not very affected. It is close to Russia in many ways but maybe my opinion was a little biased by relative coldness and overall fatigue.
May started in Iceland, a very distant unique island. I loved endless cosmic landscapes, hot springs, ocean's coasts, black beaches, volcanos and a very small quantity of people. Heaven for an introvert, but still too cold for me. Unfortunately in a human way many things were far from perfect but that helped me to re-evaluate some major things. When I'm travelling airlines like to go on a strike, this trip was no exception - Iceland air cancelled all flights. In the end our trip to Stockholm was changed to a trip to Oslo. And I'm glad it did. The business/art part of the city by the water is a futurustic perfection. And I also want to thank an incredibly talented guy who sang old Bob Dylan's (and others') songs in the park. Made my day :)
When my mood=shit I begin to remember all the beautiful places I have already managed to see, I am mentally walking past the bridges in Florence, dropping a rose in Tiber in Rome, getting lost in the narrow streets of Venice, drinking Australian white wine on my room's balcony on the 25th floor in Brisbane, walking along the Promenade des Anglais in Nice, sittting in front of Sagrada Familia in Barcelona.. And my life becomes so much lighter..
About mistakes of the past: I don't have a love life. Maybe idealization of my last ex and trying to build back the bridges is just a consequence of the latter, maybe not. I don't know. But somehow it turned to an obsession and I am already tired of it. I don't really remember if I wanted anything so hard. Despite the faith in myself I have some doubts that I am even able to make someone happy. Yes I do still have a lot of psychological garbage and probably will always have. So I'm kind of trying.. We'll see the results or the absence of them.
That's it. Short story of last 8 months of my life. They were to put it mildly very diverse.
Комментарии (4):
14-09-2014-06:47
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There are literally no words that may describe how your thoughts and feelings are close to mine. It`s like reading my brain`s scan translated to English. I sincerely regret we never met not at work. You seem to be a very interesting person, and I see you find great solutions to cope with your psychological trash, which is still hard for me. Being a girl you`re much braver than me, which has to be a motivator for me )))
Still remember that nice gift you brought me from Ireland (if not mistaking), those mint tabs in a little green box. 
This may seem weird after all, or not, anyway... I would love to meet with you, I think we have a lot of things to talk about.
This may seem weird after all, or not, anyway... I would love to meet with you, I think we have a lot of things to talk about.
enigmatic_mind
16-09-2014-19:03
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Ответ на комментарий #
Me being a girl.. what a sexist thing to say..)
Yep, those were from Ireland.
I do cope well because I don't really have any other choice.
Anyway, thanks for the nice words and good luck with your coping. Self-analysis helps a lot btw. And putting oneself into other's shoes.
16-09-2014-19:55
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Ответ на комментарий enigmatic_mind #
No sexism, that was a compliment)
Sad, that your response looks like a goodbye...
16-09-2014-19:56
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Ответ на комментарий enigmatic_mind #
No sexism, that was a compliment)
Sad, that your response looks like a goodbye...
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