Настроение сейчас - Nostalgic

I am at a breaking point again. But it is a good one. I think. You know, like they like to say, changes are for the better and no matter what happens it is always for a reason/for the better. 

I am quitting my job as a travel operator. I've been longing to do it like forever so in the end everything has built up to it. And I'm glad. I mean I don't have any idea what will be my next job but I'm sure I'll find one. Maybe I would be disappointed again. And again. Maybe not. You never know. Doesn't mean that you should stop trying though. You know those smart words: "The only person who doesn't make mistakes is the one who is not doing anything". 

I want to take a dog from a dog foster. His name is Tyler and I am already in love. It took him quite some time to get used to me but I think he is getting there. And probably it was partly my fault as I was afraid and not sure about anything. I thought I had conflicting wishes like having a dog vs studying abroad; studying abroad vs leaving my greatgrandmother.. But as one good friend loves to mention: "Life is (fucking) now". And yeah she is definitely right. Maybe all those contradicting reasons were just excuses not to do anything I don't know. But I want to do things, I want to try things, I fucking want to have a happy interesting full life. So yeah, I definitely want a dog. It is funny how my allergy stopped being the 1st reason to doubt myself but practically became the last one of them. Yep, I think humanity excels at excuses. 

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Last time I wrote here was before my big trip to South-East Asia. And I can say so many beautiful magical things about it. It was so nice to skip a big part of a cold-cold winter and replace it with hot  heaven-like 40 days in the southern hemisphere. I can tell you that I've been a completely different person in this trip. I was an easy social funny relaxed version of myself. I've met so many magnificent people and really felt myself interesting enough and worth spending time with. You know this strange feeling: "Really? Are they really interested in things I'm saying?? Me???" I have never been like that. I was just smiling at people and they smiled back at me. People usually say that Bali is full of unique energy and you know what? They are right. The island takes some but gives you back a lot more. They also say that this island gives you back what you give to others so if you had bad experiences here you probably should think about how you treat your life and most importantly other people. 

My december unfolded in Kuta with my first ever couchsurfing attempt. God, it was so much fun! Staying with an awesome gay couple and another courchsurfer =D We've celebrated my birthday and went to a gay club. I think it has been the best birthday in my life so far. Apart from that I've slept with a canadian writer of a shitty tv-series The Travellers. Not that great experience. But this experience partly pushed me to make a tatoo "Treat others as you wish to be treated. Karma's only a bitch if you are". So it was totally worth it. Funny thing is that these words are not as transparent as they seem: the first part is for me, I don't really give a damn about consequenses. I am more about "I feel good when I treat people in a good way". So yeah, it kind of coincides with my theory that all things people do are purely selfish ;) About the second part: I don't really believe in karma in the present life but I desperately want to.

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So the tattoo was made in Ubud where I also drove a bike for the first time in real life. FUN! Beautiful place with its own unique ambience. Land of action for me. Rice terraces are awesome btw. Even in the rain) On my way to Ubud I've met an astrologist finn guy who was going in a kind of different direction. A little bit more about him later.

Wow I have so much more to write.. I'll  continue in the near future.

Настроение сейчас - Cozy

I just watched Home For Holidays. One of my favourite movies. I watch it every year when winter/holidays are getting closer. I like it about watching smth many times: each time you are getting smth new for yourself and see some things from a new perspective. 

This film is about family. Family which is messy and complicated but still touching, sincere and vibrant with life. I got a very important notion from this n-th watch. I do crave for family and for a normal childhood but it will never happen because the past is the past. And what is important is that I will probably always crave for it but despite that I still CAN be happy. I will be happy I mean :) And I'll be ok. 

It is very strange but I've started to look at my unhappy past moments with some kind of supremacy like I own them and I beat them. And I really started to enjoy life and all its precious little moments. It is a lot more gratifying to see good things in everything than bad ones. Maybe I still need to work on that a little bit when I'm using the subway though. I still hate a lot of people there..

I still don't know who I'll become when I grow up =D No hint. But now on this strange road to nowhere I am at least enjoying the process. And that is the most important thing in my conception of living (if I do have one).

My soul (purpose) - searching will continue on Bali where I plan to spend my birthday and New Year. I hope I'll be out of my comfort zone there as much as possible. I do need more experience with socializing and just being myself around strangers. And I desperately need to conquer my stupid fears SO BE IT. 

Hm. I suppose i need to write here only when life seems to be a very shitty place. This diary for me is a trash box.

Here we go again.

So I suppose the fact that hadn't written here for practically a year is a very good thing.

What I can say: I am no longer a virgin. Yay! Yep, that was my very interesting goal for this year and yay! I did it. Apart from that people are still shit. Useless, careless, selfish shit.

I am still searching for myself in this world, passively, but still.

I did feel better during the relationships but now when they kind of ended I feel terrible again. 

So the problem is me. It is not right to be living only in the relationships. You have to live on your own. But I am sort of incapable of that. I just need someone to care for me but people usually just don't. Sad, right? I just don't understand: even if I was normal, kind of, would it have been more ok for people to be such weak pathetic selfish creatures? If I wasn't hurting because of my complexes from childhood so what? It would have been normal for people to be this aweful?

Ok then. I suppose I need to work on myself. Not to be that sincere. Not to be that real. Not to be that caring. Not to be that loving. Not to be that patient. Yeah, I just should be a selfish not caring bitch. That will definitely attract people I suppose? Yeah. Right. 

In limbo again. Jobless loser. Something like that. 

Insecurity is overwhelming. Fucking complexes of childhood are back again. Did they ever leave? Soul-destroying bitches. Some people can tell you that you don't have problems really. That is just in your fucking head. I hate those morons. Nobody will ever understand if he/she hadn't been in your shoes. Your EXACT shoes. So NOBODY will ever understand you really. Even if somebody was in worse shoes than yours they wouldn't understand you either. They would think that they deserve more understanding.  But each fucked-up situation is fucking unique. And most of all it is unique for the one suffering from it. And people don't really have empathy nowadays. Not chic, you know. It is a lot more effective and comforting to be cruel, stony-hearted, self-observed, shallow person who will do anything to be approved on instagram nowadays. Fuck, why the fuck can't I be like others? My life would have been a lot more easier that way. Ok, that's not true. I don't want to be like that. I am a total masochist.  

Winter syndrome again?

I've read Brave New World. I'm really on Savage's side. And my dream - the lighthouse.. Very sad ending of the book for me and my points of view. Probably I'll end up like that too.

The world has gone mad. Explosions, war, situation with migrants, currency exchange course, crisis, national conflicts. It is like everything is gathering into an enormous funnel that will swallow the earth at some point. Nice. I really don't mind all people dying, you know. All and simultaneously. I think our planet will dance jigga-jigga right after that.

I always try to motivate people around me you know. Why the hell these stupid motivational speeches don't affect me AT ALL?! There should be some stupid auto-infusion, shouldn't it? Where the fuck is it?

Practically all people in the world have their opinion on everything and most of all are always trying to force that opinion on you. I hate them too.

So hate again. We are always coming back to one universal statement: I HATE PEOPLE. I really do. And I know that blah-blah man is a blah social fucking animal. But let's assume that I haven't been raised by people but by animals like Mowgli. I AM NOT SOCIAL. People can just go to hell. With all their disapproval, shallowness, envy, greed, prudence, artificiality, stupidity, snobbery, cruelty.. Fuck it. Fuck it all. 

Wasted on nothing 
Effortlessly you appear 
Sound of the thunder 

Настроение сейчас - Hopeful

I do have a pessimistic mood now.

Everything is not bad, but something is just currently stopping me from being unreasonably happy. This thing that prevents me to grow. I am stuck. Really stuck. Like I'm trying to climb up from some hole and sometimes I'm so close to the surface but at the last moment smth drags me back again. And I am back to this fucked up darkness full of disgusting self-pity and despair.

In the last Murakami's novel the main character often has this feeling that he is not good enough for his friends and his lovers. I do have it  too. Often.

Useless feeling btw.

I am a romantic deep inside. And an idealist.  Of course I am a cynic also. But my cynisism is just a surface to protect this weak romantic spot. And also I do have brains so my cynisim is just a normal reaction to the world outside. But still I have this weakness, maybe it would have been easier if I didn't. Maybe there wouldn't be a dark hole then. Romance and idealism. My two eternal enemies.

It is strange how human brain works. Two dead bodies were found in the flat near the one I rent (Yeah, I do now. With a friend). A girl and a guy (20+). Overdose. And you know what shocked me? That now I don't have an opportunity to know them better. I know for 100% that if they were alive I wouldn't do any fucking thing to become friends with them. But they are dead now and here I am thinking about a lost opportunity. It is so stupid that I can't even.. Yeah, people are stupid.

I have started running in the morning. And it is so cool. Not just this self-importance about my strong will =D. And not just disappearing centimeters of my waist. But the beauty of the morning nature. And the cleanness of the morning air in the park. And the sound of silence. God I love Sokol'niki. 

Ok. I haven't written here for a long time. So let's go through the motions.

Charity. The problem of charity in our country is not in corruption or stealing. But they are still here too. The main disaster is about people who don't know at all how to build a business. And charity is a business too in some way. Yes It has a non-profit structure. But it still has to be smartly and effectively built as is done with a profitable business.  It does have emotion in it but best businesses usually have it too because you can be magnificently successful only at what you love. But here people want.. I don't know what the hell moves them. Money? Power? Status. Yep. Do you think that people with these goal can successfully build a good really helpful charity fund? Maybe. But only if they have a real emotion behind these goals and a side-business which will give them money. But here unfortunately the donated money somehow turns to dust at some stage and people who need them the most don't get any. Yes of course a charity fund should have an office but does this office really have to be 500 metres from the Red Square? Of course a charity fund should have I don't know a logo but does this logo really has to cost a 6-digit sum where the first digit is not so close to 1? 7 000 000 rubles for new office's repair to save rent money? Sure, why not? And yep that money were donated to people in need. 

I still have a distant connection to charity. I have two jobs now btw. And both of them are remote. Interesting experience.

I am still a private assistant to a President of one charity fund, a useless one of course. I am talking about the fund not about my qualification as a private assistant (I hope). And the second job is in a travel company. I have just begun. Still learning. We'll see how it'll turn out. Completely incidental. I hope the best things in life usually are.

I jumped with a parachute. Tandem skydiving so it is not really smth :) Complacently said I. Funny feeling. Completely incidental. I didn't even think about it. When a friend asked me if I want to do it I just thought "why not?". So easy. God, I hope I will think that way a lot more often.

2014 was one hell of a year. Apart from awesome stuff already described in the previous entry there were so many.

One: I did it, I found a job in charity. And the wage is not so small as I expected. Solution to the flat question is on its way I hope. Morale? Don't you ever listen to people who tell you that anything is impossible or/and that you can't achieve smth.  Everything is in YOUR hands, not in their small narrow minds. Many things just need to be fought for in many alternative ways. It is just on you if you stopped fighting for them.

Still I'm not sure that it is what I want to do for the rest of my life, but for now it is more than ok.

I'd like to mention (again) some turning points of the year. 

Second (again): positive thinking is awesome. It's nice to see it as a rational instrument not some pink-glasses shit, you know? 

Because... Quote in a quote: Ernest Hemingway once wrote, "The world is a fine place and worth fighting for." I agree with the second part.

Third: I finally understood what pisses me off the most about people. It's their ability to lie to themselves and not even a little acknowledge it. I know that it can be said about many of us, but sometimes it is so damn hypocritical and transparent that I want to pierce one's eye with a fork.

Still even with this positive stuff sometimes I just feel this deep wide empty hole inside me. Like you know it starts somewhere near the collarbone and goes down and down. It has already devoured my heart, my soul, everything.. And it is fucking botomless.. But probably I had this feeling practically all the time before and now it just appears sometimes. Maybe some more time and I will be cured or smth like that. Maybe someday love will fulfill this fucking funnel. Oh God, I have just understood how does it sound. Never mind.

Fourth: Be careful with second chances. And I can't force you but don't give third ones. They never work.

Fifth: Do what you want eventually even if it takes you smth like 5 years to start. It took me 5 years to just start looking for a jazz club in Moscow and it took smth around 5 minutes to find one but it has already given me tons of magical pleasure during the year. And I think I have visited it for like 40-50 times already and will do it again and again. FYI:   jazzesse.ru

Sixth: Friendship is not endless. Sometimes it just dries.. i don't know. And if all you can think of is a number of years you have known your friend then you can let them go. A number can't be a reason. It is stupid to hold on just to that. Sometimes you just become two different persons which are connected only by that number and memories that don't matter anymore. I suppose that that also can be said about love and family.

Seventh: Family. You can choose your own destiny. You wasn't able to choose your parents but you are able to choose if you want to treat them like family. If you don't - it's your choice. Blood is not everything. It is just blood.

Eighth: Happy Birthday in Rome ;) Beautiful city.

I'm glad this year happened. I've become a more integral person. A more accomplished one, a more harsh one, a happier one inside myself. I deserve good things and good people to happen to me.

Настроение сейчас - Nostalgia

What if hope is really a weakness that prevents us from doing something that we should do?

Настроение сейчас - darkness

wow, it has been a long time..

it is winter here as always. And really no trace of light.

i've had a massive journey around Europe: a lot of cities for 2.5 weeks not without incidents of course. But it was still interesting. I haven't got enough positive emotions though. It seems that I'm becoming numb as time goes. 

and I think I'm done with travelling alone. It became kind of too sad. Does it mean that I'm done with travelling at all? Time will show.

at work it is mmm.. jitters. With a lot of work and not enough people. Maybe I'll just never have the dream job. Does it even exist?

waiting for the spring in this cold inpenetrable darkness is exhausting and I really don't have anything that would have been able to cheer me up. So dark depressive mood again with frequent attacks of hatred to everything that surround me.

what is loneliness by the way? Is it a useless existence or the most fulfilled way of living when you can analyse and understand yourself? Or gradual way of self-destruction?

The 2012 year is practically gone. So is the last hope for the end of the world. 

I think I need to change something in my view of the world. To grow up I suppose. Yeah, life sucks, mine especially but if I just try to not pay attention to the negative stuff maybe I'll be even happy? Yes, I know that thing that is always taking me down - this thought "how the hell can I be happy if I have these sad memories about not having a perfect family and about the absense of people beside me who understand me and really care for me? how am I suppose to be as happy as people who did have and does have all of that?". But  just now I understood that thinking about that will never make me happy. I think I have to put everything behind me. All that hate, hurt and sadness and just make a fresh start without this heavy baggage of my past. I can do everything like anyone can. I just have to stop saying smth like "how can I do it.. no that is not for me.. I can't, I've never done it before.." I have to stop being afraid of trying.

Ok, now a couple of words about the present: my friends keep saying that I look like a dead person :\ . LOL And it is so because of my job. Nightshifts and the new year's madness don't really make me more alive. I am sinking. But I can't quit! I need money, independence and blah-blah. Let's think of it as a challenge.. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. So if this job doesn't kill me I'll become stronger.

By the way I'm working tonight. Yeah yeah I'm working on the New Year's night. It definitely tells me that I have to change my life.

I've just found out that one of my exes got married. The best of them by the way. Strange feeling. Of course as always it comes down to my uselessness but I  know that it is stupid) Somehow it really makes me a little more free because he was the only one for whom I had real feelings, maybe still do. But his marriage gave me smth final, it is somehow comforting. 

SO my plans for 2013:

1) To stop being afraid of trying

2) To change my way of thinking

3) To start doing things I want to do

4) To travel

5) To start talking when I really don't like smth

6) To risk

7) To stop being miserable

8) To never refuse to play especially when I'm afraid of losing

9) To stop being a virgin LOL

At the end of the next year we will summarize the results.

Happy New Year to everyone! I hope 2013 will be a lot more happier than 2012. No, I don't hope, I know it.

Hi) It is winter here.. Everything is white and dreamy. It's not so cold yet but someday it will be. The snow has just fallen but I already miss my long walks and this infinite freedom I have outside when it is warm and I have asphalt under my feet. I already miss the spring.. But it will be a whole lot more satisfying after the cruel cold winter.

I am lazy. I can't get a hold of myself. My night shifts don't really help with my regime.. And because of them my day is broken into small useless pieces. I can't find strength to study, to change anything, to do smth real for myself. The only thing I find time for is as always analysing, this useless activity which more than ever makes me insomniac and sad. Tip to myself - discipline.

What can I say? I am still a pushover. I still want to get away from people and I still dream about living in a lighthouse. What I did understand about that:  being a pushover  is one of the reasons I want to get away. I can't be myself with other people - I bow before them and it is killing me. Another tip to myself - to be stronger ant to say "no" more often. I need a teacher.

I still believe that people are more important than money, status and opinions. Doesn't really help me with bonding. 

I have this disturbing habit of putting myself in others' shoes. Sometimes I practically feel what other person feels. Why for God's sake I have this skill if the only thing I want is to be away? 

People are selfish. I am too. I'm not ready to change for anyone. Maybe only for myself.. And even for that I need more strength than I have now. 

I am still in this fucking dark. Maybe it is just my place. Maybe I just have this in me.. this dramatic suicidal mode. Like you know: "erase me".

Настроение сейчас - Indestructible sadness

I don't know how to be with someone. I'm talking about relationships and friendship here. I just can't be myself with new people. And they just fail to become not new. They somehow tend to leave before that. Time and time again I realise how happy can I be when I am alone and it feels wrong. Yesterday I was walking in the night and the snow was falling and I just felt so happy and solid. And I remembered how I was taking the plane from Zurich to Moscow in february and both seats beside me were not occupied. I was reading a magazine about Formula 1. It was a nice, cozy and funny interview and I just felt so happy, so right and so not alone. I mean at such moments I really understand that I am happy only when I can be myself and I just can't uncover myself with new people. There are uncovering moments with my friends but they are rare too. But they happen. 

I am not happy with unknown people around me. I don't feel safe maybe or I just have very large personal space. I'm very nervous, always trying not to hurt anyone, to be liked, to care, to be useful, to help and I just loose myself in this. With people I know I am more relaxed because I know what to expect.

Earlier all these things made me feel less confident, weak and a looser but now I feel hate and contempt. I don't want anyone new to become a part of my life.  I know that it's wrong. I know that probably I'm just too afraid and too used to people who end up leaving.  Surely my feelings are just a subconscious way of protection. But it doesn't stop them from being real. 

I know that everything I has written in this entry is wrong because I know that I want to be happy with someone. I want to have these deep and comforting conversations when people share their dreams and feelings, when they just feel so intimately close. But I am not sure I will ever be able to do that despite the fact I desperately want to. I know that the roots are as always in my head or in the head of the child I once had been and part of me will always be.

It's funny but it seems that my life will always contain these two controversial feelings in turns: awareness of lonely happiness and this unbelievably strong and hurting need for someone. 

Hi everyone) I just wanted to mention the regular end of my usual relationships. It was.. as always.

This time I don't really care. It is fine. I like it that way.

I think I am kind of beginning to understand why people leave each other. Apart from transparent reasons like: she doesn't cook, he cheated, she is not the one, I am a crazy one, he/she lied, he is fed up with her, she is fed up with him. I think the reason is that we all want to feel smth. Smth deep and unknown, smth hurting (because we all are masochists, don't even try to change my mind about that one) but beautiful, this unbelievably strong need for someone. There are no strong feelings without hurt, so the agreement is for two sides: the hurt one and the happy one. My "fantastic" second experience prooves the point. I was happy during but I was so fucking hurt in the end. The 1st and the 3rd experience left me with nothing but a light prick to my self-appraisal.

So I'm on a hunt for the next one. You know, we all are masochists..

Chaos. That is what in my head. I'm in confused madness. I don't have a clue about what I want. I always thought that a person can be happy if he/she has a good job, interesting relationships, friends and simply time to live. But now I don't know. Job is exhausting, relationships just don't click, time tends to slip away, Friends? Some are still here and I am grateful. Some slipped away and I don't even care.

Of course autumn has some impact on my dreadful mood. It's as always cold and gray without the light in the end of the tunnel. 

I just want everything to be easy and light but it seems like I just can't see anything in that way. It becomes more possible in summer and spring but in this cold darkness.. Never.

I want to go somewhere where is light, blue sky, vast green fields, sea and this infinite freedom. 

And I want to stop meeting the wrong people because one day I'll just loose the ability to even believe in the existence of the right ones.

Настроение сейчас - screw everybody

The hell with relationships. They are useless anyway. And being in one doesn't make me happy. It makes me nervous, tired, angry and sad. I wanted to be a workaholic and that's the only thing I wanted to be. So why the fuck did this fall on me? These fucking complications, compromises (only from my side of course). Yeah, everybody wants to love and to be loved and blah-blah. But I don't know people who really have this in the perfect way. Maybe it's me who don't want to reconcile with some stuff but I really don't see the point. Because in the end it is me who have ro make compromises, not we both.  And it doesn't fucking work for me this way. Because yeah, of course it's 100% normal to say that it's wrong to try to change the person because you should love him/her the way he/she is (speaking about yourself sure) and than just try to change smb else because he/she just doesn't suit your expectations. Of course you should wait the right attitude towards you but to have the same attitude towards others...?  Nooo, why?

Again, I hate people. Screw the previous entry. I truly hate them. 

And this pink notion that love is thу main thing is bullshit. In the end we see that people have this fucking detailed picture of the person who they want to see beside them and if you don't suit you have only two options: to change or to get the hell out of there. It doesn't matter if you are kind, smart and etc. It doesn't matter if you have psychological baggage.. No one cares. Just be this perfect fucking person. It's the only way. I prefer to be the fucking lonely workaholic and still be myself than to bow and scrape before the stupid chauvinistic views.

Настроение сейчас - On the edge of ruining my whole universe

What is my attitude toward people really? I put myself into position of hating them. Of course there are thousands of situations when I hate them. Take the subway for example. Rush hour.. When they literally try to go through you as if they are the only people who need to be at the exact place at the exact time. Or when they step on your foot and don't even assume the possibility of apologizing.

Or when they are asking if you are fine and there is not even a hint of interest on their faces.

Or when they break promises.

Or when they clearly time after time give you the feeling that they really want smth from you and that is the only reason they need you for.

...you know I can do it until the world ends so let's stop here. Anyway I think you've already got the impression. 

But maybe I don't REALLY hate them. I mean of course I despise them a lot, but.. I'm always trying to help everybody and there are certain situations when I probably would be a nicer person than the majority of people but possibly not for 100% good reasons. For example, let's take a panic/fear situation which really doesn't show people as nice creatures. You know some kind of crowd in an extreme situation when people are only trying to save themselves, they panic and rush and if smb falls he or she has a great possibility of being killed by quite a few number of nice caring people who are really interested only in their own well-being. I really want to think that probably I would somehow care about other people more than about myself but.. for selfish reasons really. Because most of the time I don't really even have a desire of being here on this planet and because I don't really think that I'll ever forgive myself if I don't do anything to prevent smb from losing their life or at least don't even try (selfish, maybe good-hearted selfish but still. What I mean is that I turn even this situation into smth about me).

Of course I do want to live in a lighthouse far away from people. I am even starting to have some kind of androphopia. You know when you are walking down the street and there are crowds of people going somewhere and you just feel kind of trapped and feel really normal and free only when you turn to the quiet deserted street. I even have a bag with a print "I don't discriminate. I hate everyone" for God's sake. 

But..

What if it's just a way of turning everything upside down so I could feel better. I mean maybe people just don't want ME so it's my escape. In my inverse universe it's me doing that call in the first place not them. So it's an allusion to myself that I am the one who pushes them away willfully because it's me who can't stand them not the other way around. But if the other way around is the true one? 

Maybe it is a self-protection thing? Roots of which are there somewhere in my childhood (yeah, again we are there). Probably from my early years I've just been expecting this stuff about leaving and non-caring from other people so expectations have come true because you know that is what bad expectations do. 

And what now? Is it already too late to change? Or I still have a chance? Or I just plainly hate people? Oh fuck. Yeah here we have a dozen questions without answers and do I really want to have them? I've got used to my attitude. It has become a part of me. It made it somehow easier. It made me feel better about my social skills I mean about the lack of them. You know smth like: "I hate people. Why on earth do I have to even talk to them?". Yeah, seems like I'm finding more and more reasons that it's just a comforting lie that is helping me to escape from my pathetic existence. 

Dunno.