Hi) It is winter here.. Everything is white and dreamy. It's not so cold yet but someday it will be. The snow has just fallen but I already miss my long walks and this infinite freedom I have outside when it is warm and I have asphalt under my feet. I already miss the spring.. But it will be a whole lot more satisfying after the cruel cold winter.

I am lazy. I can't get a hold of myself. My night shifts don't really help with my regime.. And because of them my day is broken into small useless pieces. I can't find strength to study, to change anything, to do smth real for myself. The only thing I find time for is as always analysing, this useless activity which more than ever makes me insomniac and sad. Tip to myself - discipline.

What can I say? I am still a pushover. I still want to get away from people and I still dream about living in a lighthouse. What I did understand about that:  being a pushover  is one of the reasons I want to get away. I can't be myself with other people - I bow before them and it is killing me. Another tip to myself - to be stronger ant to say "no" more often. I need a teacher.

I still believe that people are more important than money, status and opinions. Doesn't really help me with bonding. 

I have this disturbing habit of putting myself in others' shoes. Sometimes I practically feel what other person feels. Why for God's sake I have this skill if the only thing I want is to be away? 

People are selfish. I am too. I'm not ready to change for anyone. Maybe only for myself.. And even for that I need more strength than I have now. 

I am still in this fucking dark. Maybe it is just my place. Maybe I just have this in me.. this dramatic suicidal mode. Like you know: "erase me".