Настроение сейчас - Indestructible sadness

I don't know how to be with someone. I'm talking about relationships and friendship here. I just can't be myself with new people. And they just fail to become not new. They somehow tend to leave before that. Time and time again I realise how happy can I be when I am alone and it feels wrong. Yesterday I was walking in the night and the snow was falling and I just felt so happy and solid. And I remembered how I was taking the plane from Zurich to Moscow in february and both seats beside me were not occupied. I was reading a magazine about Formula 1. It was a nice, cozy and funny interview and I just felt so happy, so right and so not alone. I mean at such moments I really understand that I am happy only when I can be myself and I just can't uncover myself with new people. There are uncovering moments with my friends but they are rare too. But they happen. 

I am not happy with unknown people around me. I don't feel safe maybe or I just have very large personal space. I'm very nervous, always trying not to hurt anyone, to be liked, to care, to be useful, to help and I just loose myself in this. With people I know I am more relaxed because I know what to expect.

Earlier all these things made me feel less confident, weak and a looser but now I feel hate and contempt. I don't want anyone new to become a part of my life.  I know that it's wrong. I know that probably I'm just too afraid and too used to people who end up leaving.  Surely my feelings are just a subconscious way of protection. But it doesn't stop them from being real. 

I know that everything I has written in this entry is wrong because I know that I want to be happy with someone. I want to have these deep and comforting conversations when people share their dreams and feelings, when they just feel so intimately close. But I am not sure I will ever be able to do that despite the fact I desperately want to. I know that the roots are as always in my head or in the head of the child I once had been and part of me will always be.

It's funny but it seems that my life will always contain these two controversial feelings in turns: awareness of lonely happiness and this unbelievably strong and hurting need for someone.