Настроение сейчас - On the edge of ruining my whole universe

What is my attitude toward people really? I put myself into position of hating them. Of course there are thousands of situations when I hate them. Take the subway for example. Rush hour.. When they literally try to go through you as if they are the only people who need to be at the exact place at the exact time. Or when they step on your foot and don't even assume the possibility of apologizing.

Or when they are asking if you are fine and there is not even a hint of interest on their faces.

Or when they break promises.

Or when they clearly time after time give you the feeling that they really want smth from you and that is the only reason they need you for.

...you know I can do it until the world ends so let's stop here. Anyway I think you've already got the impression. 

But maybe I don't REALLY hate them. I mean of course I despise them a lot, but.. I'm always trying to help everybody and there are certain situations when I probably would be a nicer person than the majority of people but possibly not for 100% good reasons. For example, let's take a panic/fear situation which really doesn't show people as nice creatures. You know some kind of crowd in an extreme situation when people are only trying to save themselves, they panic and rush and if smb falls he or she has a great possibility of being killed by quite a few number of nice caring people who are really interested only in their own well-being. I really want to think that probably I would somehow care about other people more than about myself but.. for selfish reasons really. Because most of the time I don't really even have a desire of being here on this planet and because I don't really think that I'll ever forgive myself if I don't do anything to prevent smb from losing their life or at least don't even try (selfish, maybe good-hearted selfish but still. What I mean is that I turn even this situation into smth about me).

Of course I do want to live in a lighthouse far away from people. I am even starting to have some kind of androphopia. You know when you are walking down the street and there are crowds of people going somewhere and you just feel kind of trapped and feel really normal and free only when you turn to the quiet deserted street. I even have a bag with a print "I don't discriminate. I hate everyone" for God's sake. 

But..

What if it's just a way of turning everything upside down so I could feel better. I mean maybe people just don't want ME so it's my escape. In my inverse universe it's me doing that call in the first place not them. So it's an allusion to myself that I am the one who pushes them away willfully because it's me who can't stand them not the other way around. But if the other way around is the true one? 

Maybe it is a self-protection thing? Roots of which are there somewhere in my childhood (yeah, again we are there). Probably from my early years I've just been expecting this stuff about leaving and non-caring from other people so expectations have come true because you know that is what bad expectations do. 

And what now? Is it already too late to change? Or I still have a chance? Or I just plainly hate people? Oh fuck. Yeah here we have a dozen questions without answers and do I really want to have them? I've got used to my attitude. It has become a part of me. It made it somehow easier. It made me feel better about my social skills I mean about the lack of them. You know smth like: "I hate people. Why on earth do I have to even talk to them?". Yeah, seems like I'm finding more and more reasons that it's just a comforting lie that is helping me to escape from my pathetic existence. 

Dunno.