Wow. It sucks. This feeling of eternal absolute loneliness. I don't know how to run away from it. It is always jumping out of nowhere. One moment you're ok and another you are imagining yourself cutting your veins in detail. I don't see any purpose. I want to feel smth good. I want to feel fucking anything. I want to care for my family. No it is not true. I want to HAVE a family. I want to feel good enough for anything. I want to feel needed. To feel cared for. God why is it so painful. Is it life really? If yes I don't want it. At damn all. 

I'm just alone. And lonely. There are people but I just can't let them in or they don't really want me to. 

And I have no strength to move on. The past has too much control over me. I understand it but I can't do anything about it.

Again. I'm nowhere.