Настроение сейчас - unfortunately only partly destroyed

Oh hell, I'm tired. Two jobs but I still have time to think about uselessness of my life (or life in general). Sometimes I'm feeling like I'm on the edge. Now for example. It'll sound strange but it is good. I want to be beyond the edge. I have a feeling that there will be THAT change, turning point or smth. I'm not sure if that change leads to good things or bad but still it is a change so let's assume that in my chronically depressive and darkly pathetic condition all is for the better. 

It's kind of I don't know self-destructing thought. I want to tire myself to exhaustion (to death really but I'm not that strong). I want that kind when you are so tired that you can't even feel anything. It is easier to feel nothing because of that than because of not caring about anything anymore. Suicidal? Maybe. But that is autumn and winter for me. 

And no I'm not tired enough to do smth about it. Maybe will never be.