Я своей подружке Нонне, которая проживает в Брюсселе, настрочила сегодня колоссальное письмо (озаглавленное как "Life and other shit"), в котором среди прочего описала два забавных случая, произошедших со мной совсем недавно. Очень ленbdj переводить на русский, и вообще чего-то делать влом, поэтому тупо копи-пэйст публикую выдержки из письма.


SCARFACE
As for me, a few days ago i accidentally bumped the metal stand in museum of Vladimir Mayakovsky with my head, and it literally turned my world upside down. I think i had a brain concussion, and for sure my head now works as GPS-WI-FI-and-all-that-shit receiver:)) I've already seen a couple of ghosts and i have a scratch on the forehead just like Harry Potter! And u know what is the most amazing? This was really a sign that i'm back home to Russia, when at the moment this accident just happened and i was seeing birds&stars just like in cartoons and i had blood on my face, the museum curator shouted at me: "Hey you, be careful! You might have broken these installations"!;)))


AND THEN MY SISTER CAME IN...
Another funny case has to do with my younger sis. She is the most courageous person i have ever known! She managed to keep herself together and not to get confused when sleepy 7 am Sunday she opened the door to my room and found an unfamiliar deadly drunk bearded ‘part-time terrorist’ looking mouzhik standing in the middle of the room. I was hidden in my bed under the blanket so she didn’t see me at the very first moment. I was hidden, but nevertheless I was squeaking mockeries towards this Bin Laden guy from under the blanket. As she entered I screamed out (mhm, kinda introduced them…), (all below conversations originally held in English, reproduced word by word):
“Olya, this is Blondie. Blondie, this is my sis. Olya, please show the entrance door to Blondie and close the door beside him as he leaves!!!!”
If I were her, I think I would be at least a bit surprised. But she is SOOO calm and tough cookie!!! She was very kind and polite to guide my “guest” to the door, have a “nice to meet you” conversation with him, not pay any attention to our bye-bye loud ‘primal-scream style’ dialogue:
Osama: “Please hate me as violent as you can!!!”
Me: “I cannot hate you more than you hate yourself!!!!”

Oh my courageous self-restrain hero of the day, she didn’t know the whole story, that began when Saturday late night my nuts ex-boyfriend (who used to be Batman in the past and became Blondie not so long ago because doesn’t deserve to be named Batman who is a brave hero, and ‘Blondinochka’ nickname matches him much more considering his very masculine and severe brutal appearance and black hair and Bambie timid and fearful nature:)) all of a sudden appeared in my mobile after 5 months of silence and ignorance begging to make me company watching “the Scrubs” series at 4 am in the morning. Long sms conversation, I’m at first politely then persistently refusing explaining that I’m kinda tired to have unexpected guests at this time and prefer to have my Dr. Perry Cox therapy only for myself now which is simple truth.
“We could have lived the most unexpected tonight”.
Not your lucky night, boy…
“I will be there and you’ll have to take me in”.
“Not a good idea”.
He said he was on his way to my place, “you’ll not let this boy, really?”
“NO!!”
“Why no?”
“Why yes?!”
“Because yes is the right answer for us right now..”
“Oh I see you are an expert, Blondie! Not convincing.”
“Let me convince you face to face”.

And then I got a call from him informing that he is at my entrance.

In general spontaneity is my religion and though I was sleepy and my legs weren’t shaved, anti-blemish cream spots on my face, pyjamas with elephants etc., after such long discussions I realized it would be nice to have unforgettable sex session at the unsexiest time of the week with the ex-guy I am still crazy about and considered that as far as he is nuts and I’m even more nuts, two nuts together at the moment might be a fun Snickers. And besides his enthusiasm transmitted to me and I even was so kind to brush my teeth.
With my pyjamas on I went down to meet him at the entrance.
“Morning, sunshine!”. Sunshine turned around and I saw drunk Osama bin Laden with the scared look of Bambie in his whisky filled eyes. I was surprised ‘cause expected to find my regular Blondie in “ready for the date” mode. But ok, I’m in pyjamas and with bed-head as a matter of fact.
I was pretending to be strict just to set the game: “So, would you be so kind to inform me of the reason of your early and unexpected visit?”
But instead of next biting move from my guest I heard:
“Ww…well. To be honest, I really don’t know why am I here.”
Oh my God, how scared he was!!! What a hell?! I was confused actually.
“Ok man, you come here 7 am. What we gonna do?”
“I ddon’t know…I don’t know what we will do… I don’t know why I am here…”
Hey, and where’s that macho striving to substitute Dr. Cox for me for alternate approach and treatment?!!
I was a little bit surprised with such turn of events and lost my tongue. Then I decided to use my tongue for other things than stupid talks. I really hate beards but the guy is an expert in kissing. So step by step I was melting, we had some nice fooling around, both willing and ready to continue, but… it didn’t happen ending up on murmurs of Blondie:
“I want you really badly right now, I came here for sex, but…I can’t…it doesn’t feel right…I’m so sorry…I’m such a bad person…I’m not a bad person, but I’m acting like a bad person…I don’t know why… I’m sorry”.
I usually take notice of drunk bullshit, because most of the times it is the very true bullshit, hidden in sober state of mind. But at the moment I was getting more and more pissed of by this pretty weird situation.

“Ok, I see you are tired, take a nap, my princess”. My furry princess stretched on the bed, sighed sadly and closed his eyes.

In 10 minutes he opened his eyes and started to whine again: “I think I gotta go… I really want to sleep but I think I better be going. It doesn’t feel right if I sleep in here”.
I turned furious: “Then get out! What are you waiting for!! Don’t disturb me sleeping!”

“I’m really really sorry…this was mistake to come here… I don’t understand how this happened…But…this was your mistake as well”
“Whatever you like….Get out!!!”

“Tell me u hate me and I’ll be happy!”
“I will not tell anything that will make you happy now!!! Close the door beside you!! I’m gonna sleep!”

And then my sister came in.

Later I got an sms from him: “I’m really really sorry…” Breaking news, huh…
I answered : “Да иди ты в жопу со своими закидонами!!!”. (He speaks very good Russian).
“Yeah I also think that is what I deserve...thanks for hating me, really I mean it”.

Poor poor Blondie. He is so much afraid to be happy. He even wants a girl he likes to hate him so that he would have an excuse not to step over his fears to approach her and to go on living with his head stuck in his ass sophisticating in hate for himself.

That’s a fun story happened to me recently!