it's time to put a line.

my life is practically broken and i was very close to my aim.
anyway, what's done is done, and i will never regret about anything. i'd counted a great plan.
and the risk was very high. the bet was all my life, of course. No, i don't mean my physical life, i speak just about how do i live. but i had better bet my own life..

it was the ideal plan. to provocate a war. and whoever win, i would win too. even morethan anyone else.
It was not the usual war between two groups of people. it was a war between two people.
The first one was me and the second one was... me.

Where do u think the Ideal enemy will hide?
The right answer is - he will hide in the place where u will never look for him.
Brilliant, fellows! I'm speaking about your heads. Your small, big, pretty, ugly, smart, stupid, hairful, bold, average, but, be sure, your LOVELY heads.

Oghh, our ego!.. It is the most sacred thing for everybody in his life! Our own Ego is the only our God and the only our Judge! No one is allowed to argue with our Ego and no one is allowed even to see it! This is really damn scareful and grand majestic feature of any human being! There is nothing else sacred in our life, except the Ego which is always whispering us what should we do, what should we think... what should we feel!..
I had never met more fearful, immortal and invincible opponent than our Ego! I can even kiss the ground before this phenomenon! I can't even beleive that it is the production of evolution of stupid human race!..

So, Ego. Yes, it sits inside our heads. It controls our mind. But we are not only our Ego.
We are made of willings, ambitions, wishes, fears, habits, needs and so on by natural and social institutes.
And only this makes us what we are. We could be everything we want be, if only our physycal statement could allow this.
But here we have one problem. Our Ego... it is well hidden under all these features which we had gained after we were born. but Our Ego is the same for everybody. We are all the same. Could u understand it?
Ego has a very few features... i can even say it is the Basis of priorities. And nothing more. Terms Ego and Individuality are unsuitable for each other.
And our Ego stays the most dangerous enemy. Becouse it is the only whom we can beleive without any provement. We think that our Ego is Our Nature. our Inside. But actually, it is our Instinct and nothing more.

And how do u think, what was my ideal plan?

"The worst his mistake and the best his achievement was to set himself in a variance with himself." (A. Andersson)

Yes, fellows, this is what' i've done.
I did it.

It was a very hard step to me. IT WAS DAMN HELL HARD. But i'd passed, and i've got it.
The process, which had began two years ago, had been finished.
I'd splitted myself from my Ego.
And, how it was expected, my Ego had started a War. No one wants to lose his physical body (or may be even more than only body but being)
I was ready.
Here i should note that here the term "I" doesn't mean my Ego and it doesn't mean the composition of my features gained from the society. Here it means some transveral logical-intuitve abstracted from the situation being i could even explain.
"I" am some kind of observer. But.. I could not only observe.  I could manipulate too.

So the war had begun. It is useless to explain, how had i splitted me from me here, becouse it is out of topic now. But nevertheless, war was started and the Rubicon had already been overcome.
The plan was ideal.. And both of opponents had a glorious fight. I had no preferences to anyone's win.
But something had gone in a wrong way.
At one moment my powers got over.

And what do i have now?
I have a splitted psychics, which would never gain the compromiss between its dual beings.
I have no innersoul resources to continue this war to the knife.
Both irreconsilable opponents are weak, but fallen in hatred to each other. And they are both still alive.

My plan had failed. I've got a DAMN USUAL for me mistake. Some things are doomed to be repeated, and this case is a canonic one. I'd triggered a backflash again.
My mistake was in my countings. I was never been able to count my powers well. I whether spread it too wide, or to few.
I want to get everything and at the same time.
This is my main mistake. I'm twenty (soon 21) years old, but i still couldn't understand this right rule of this life.. or i couldn't break it.

All my life is dedicated to glory.
I want to become famous. To become a hero.
I always wanted. From the early childhood.
But... i wanted so much so i was tempted to beleive that i am Unordinary man.
I considered that i'm able to move mountains if i wish to do it.
And i failed.
It seems to be my Ego who leaded me into this temptation. My Ego had become my Asmodei.
It is damn artful thing. And i underestimated its guile.

And now i sit in the armchair with the cup of damn strong coffee, like a great commander of ancient times, who had finally lost the whole his army, and enjoy my gloryless defeat.
I occured to be a very usual average human who is not able to perform an exploit, although all my knowledgements about this life.
I don't know, whether anyone is still able to become a hero or not.
But sure, i'm not. 
Now i understand, that my life would never be so bright as it could be in different epic and beautiful movies.
I lived like a hero last two years... But i wasn't a hero. It happened that i was not. I had better build my life like every average human and not to pretend on worldwide glory.
And the understanding of this simple truth makes me suffering.. Ohhhh, the Hell with its lava, imps and sinners will seem to be a Heaven if to compare with this suffering, the pain of breaking illusions! Illusions which had been built with so much pain, tears, tryings and efforts last two years!..

"Burn, let it all burn! This hurricane's chasing us all underground!" (30 Sec to Mars)

I thought i'm strong... but i'm weak. I thought i'm unordinary.. but i'm damn usual!
Why did i lie myself so long?!!! My sun is frozen!
But it is only me who is guilty and since today I let myself to leave in a cold dark world forever..

but....

I had grown as an incorrigible recidivist.
And this life have teached me to beleive in wonders......
 

PS
for my friends who knows and loves me enough well..
Don't comment this post.. I know, but i wouldn't take anyone's sympathies, and even vice versa, the only answer will be agression. Guess, u'll decide why, if u think a little bit..