I realised i didn't write a lot of time...think i had a lot of things to ...live through ..to analyse, to understand..
As i told before it was a problem with the church..and the dates...So ...i was blaming myself a lot...You know...usually I am the one who is my best and roughest critics...i always analyse my mistakes..and nothing cannt touch me more..then my own attitude to me...
My mom knows it ...and even sometimes she helps me critisizing me (LOL, she understand that her bad suggestions about me are just nothing near mine one...)and she knows ..that if i did something bad..i realise that i am guilty and my punishment to myself will be the biggest one..so usually she is trying to mmm..tell me its ok, nothing to bad happend.....lalala....all such things...
So when I told to Randy about all what happend..i was already punishing me..i was already feeling guilty...and i was expecting his "baby its ok...we can try it in another church..."or " you should be strong and brave...just calm down and try again".....But i got completely different reaction...He yelled on me, telling i am "irresponsible, incompetent...and something else like this"....and i felt punished twice,..lol...the same size punishment...
His words...the intonation of sentence was mmm " a bit mean" if i can use such term...
But it was just for a minute...i think i was knowing that what he tells is true...and somehow his yelling on me ..it made me to relax more..not blame myself anymore...cause why should i do this if he took this job? LOL..
Do you know how the story ended? Mom called to me...felt how i am..then called my uncle..and he did everything....
I dont know what would happend if i couldn't do this thing with church...would he leave me??I think i never will know this...And dont really know if i want to know ....
As I said ..Randy can be sometimes very mean....not to me..no..but to others..
if i felt before he was mean with me critisizing me..now i know it was just "light variant" of what i would get if he didn't love me...LOL..Even in bad situations i see how he loves me...it makes me happy..
I think other people can think he is really bad person....But..I love bad boys...I love my bad man...LOL...and will do it always...And i dont really think he is so mean...people get that attitude, what they deserve..( for me it works too...)
Yesterday we talk with his friend...exgirlfriend ...lol..
And you know i think i am real masochist..lol...
He was telling me some things about his previous relations....some very intimate things...things that mmm in some way hurt my feelings...
But i am too curious...about him, his life...and even these things he was telling me...it makes my blood be hot...to boil..lol...It makes me hot to listen about this..even i understand that after i would try stop to think about his words...stop imagining his stories...Its all my sick curiosity....
And hope i am not that cat...