Did i told you how nice is to be married?...lol
The thing, that is very precious to me, i mean very very precious,...
is waking up in the morning, and feel you love is near)),
he can snorre, or put his leg over you, but it so pleasant)))
Think i wouldnt change such moments on anything..
I like our first (morning) kisses..I love to open my eyes and see his smile..Feel his smell..sweet and very dear to me)
This feeling is sooo nice))I enjoy being wife))

So first thing, that is expecting you..is that you going to cook 5-6 time more then you usually did before..
Breakfast, second breakfast, lunch, second lunch(lol), dinner, snacks in between...are you frightened already?
And the food must not be the same ..(well, all my breakfast were usually the same, but it was my honeymoon..sure next time it wont be so))and it should contein meat, vegetables, not to be plain... did I forget anything?))
And even sometimes they like to cook too, as my husband for example..
He is cooking...Actually this means, that Randy tells me what to do..lol..
No, really he is very talented cook, i really liked all meals he made for us...
But after cooking it is such a mess in the kitchen..
You know..i really began to feel they are different ..i mean woman and man...like aliens...and if you accept this, that you begin to understand them))lol..hope my husband wont be offended))

[465x699]
Hi everyone..
I didnt write for so long....was really busy...doing different arrangements about my wedding...My Wedding...sounds great., isnt it?
So ...Randy came to Moldova and we concluded church marriage...he was sooo beautiful..I love him really, really much ..
You know..i wouldnt say i never saw man before..but it brought a lot of surprises living with a man..
I think i should requalify my blog into one about "life with man")))

You know i have today interesting talk with one of my friends..
She said that all brides have doubts, conserns before wedding...and asked if i have those...
MMM....its interesting that i never was doubting will Randy be good as my husband, will i be happy with him...
I simply knew and know now that i will be happy only with him..
Maybe this is real love? When no doubts at all, no backups, just trust!!!

Today ..after some work i decided to go to look for my wedding dress, I took Sveta with me and we went to wedding shops...
I dont really know how to describe what i felt....
I was walking among this gorgeos dresses, white, pink, creamy, vanilla, even red..lol...
I tried some dresses on me..but it wasn't what i wanted...I mean ..they were nice..but I didnt see anything special...
You better to understand what i mean need to know my tastes...I dont like too many details on wedding dress, these rich dresses remind me about romans' style))
And i think i didn't want my dress to be too simple...its wediing dress, and my daughter will wear this dress too))
You know...wearing wedding dress ...its difficult..its weight is at least 5 kiloes..lol)) and shirt...it is sooo tight..you even cannt breath in it, noone speaks about eating))lol..
When i tried first dress....well it was shock)) lol...
Nice shock...but i couldn't sit in it))
and if anything would fall i wont be able to rise it from the floor))
So ..i went to the next shop...and there i saw my dress...it is perfect...i liked it from first sight))..i asked to try it on me...and when i tried it...it was fantastically....i was looking in the mirror and see another girl there...i never saw her before...she was so vulnerable, so small in this dress...and she was happy..and ready for her groom to take her, for her king....
Sure i bought this dress...now look at it and want so much to wear it.....

Yesterday, while we were speaking on scype i heard some sounds..like Randy would type something...it was like he was chating with someone else...
I felt a bit offended...jealous..and i didn't really know why..
Before i never was jealous on nothing...i mean without any serious reason..
Maybe i am crazy??LOL
mmm....I think i am a bit greedy for his attention))
I can now only chat with Randy..and speak with him on Scype(( and other people..they can have it too...
Think when we will live together..and i will touch, feel, kiss him everyday, i will not pay so high attention on simple chatting...How do you think?

I realised i didn't write a lot of time...think i had a lot of things to ...live through ..to analyse, to understand..
As i told before it was a problem with the church..and the dates...So ...i was blaming myself a lot...You know...usually I am the one who is my best and roughest critics...i always analyse my mistakes..and nothing cannt touch me more..then my own attitude to me...
My mom knows it ...and even sometimes she helps me critisizing me (LOL, she understand that her bad suggestions about me are just nothing near mine one...)and she knows ..that if i did something bad..i realise that i am guilty and my punishment to myself will be the biggest one..so usually she is trying to mmm..tell me its ok, nothing to bad happend.....lalala....all such things...
So when I told to Randy about all what happend..i was already punishing me..i was already feeling guilty...and i was expecting his "baby its ok...we can try it in another church..."or " you should be strong and brave...just calm down and try again".....But i got completely different reaction...He yelled on me, telling i am "irresponsible, incompetent...and something else like this"....and i felt punished twice,..lol...the same size punishment...
His words...the intonation of sentence was mmm " a bit mean" if i can use such term...
But it was just for a minute...i think i was knowing that what he tells is true...and somehow his yelling on me ..it made me to relax more..not blame myself anymore...cause why should i do this if he took this job? LOL..
Do you know how the story ended? Mom called to me...felt how i am..then called my uncle..and he did everything....
I dont know what would happend if i couldn't do this thing with church...would he leave me??I think i never will know this...And dont really know if i want to know ....
As I said ..Randy can be sometimes very mean....not to me..no..but to others..
if i felt before he was mean with me critisizing me..now i know it was just "light variant" of what i would get if he didn't love me...LOL..Even in bad situations i see how he loves me...it makes me happy..
I think other people can think he is really bad person....But..I love bad boys...I love my bad man...LOL...and will do it always...And i dont really think he is so mean...people get that attitude, what they deserve..( for me it works too...)
Yesterday we talk with his friend...exgirlfriend ...lol..
And you know i think i am real masochist..lol...
He was telling me some things about his previous relations....some very intimate things...things that mmm in some way hurt my feelings...
But i am too curious...about him, his life...and even these things he was telling me...it makes my blood be hot...to boil..lol...It makes me hot to listen about this..even i understand that after i would try stop to think about his words...stop imagining his stories...Its all my sick curiosity....
And hope i am not that cat...

I ...am very confused...
Everyday i feel myself like addicted girl ...
Either euphoria and happiness, or just depression and sadness...
You know i wrote before we decided to marry with Randy..and i was so happy ...and had a lot of plans, party ...wedding dress...rings..
This day ruined all my plans((Today I was at the church..to set the date of my wedding..after all questions were answered...even I managed to do this without marriage certificate..we began to set the date...
And...on daddy's vacation we cannt do this, because of damned post...you know...period, when you cannt eat meat ..and all such things..
And this period finishes on 13July...just the date when daddy is flying back( 8.45 am)...can you imagine?
And the only one way ( very expensive) us to marry is to do this at 6 am in the morning..and right after the wedding ceremony we to go straight to airport...God..i cannt still believe in this..
Am i cursed?
What did i wrong to this world?It seems like god is testing our love again..but this is painfull...to make me to dream first..and then to destroy all of my dreams..
I .. don't know what to do...
what to say to dad..
Told this to mom...so she decided not to come.
what for i have all these?
I ...I am lost..
I only hope it is possible to change fly tickets with one day later...i mean flying from here..I already don't need any party ..just want to be with my husband..after our wedding..To have our first night...
Are my dreams too big??
I dont know how daddy will react...I know he loves me..But he wanted nice wedding, party..meet my relatives..

HI everyone...
I didn't write for sooo long...
Just sometimes feel ashamed of my happiness..LOL..
I am soo much in love with my daddy..
Miss him every second...But...very soon we will be together...
And not only together...Think he is going to marry me))
And i am a bit nervous about all these things..mom, dress, hairstyle, nails, wedding, apartment for us...so many things to do...
But these are very nice worries...Think it can be compared with worries when a couple expects for baby to born..
Think every girl is dreaming to be bride...white dress..flowers..like a princess..To say truth...i ..never thought to much about wedding...maybe i was just to busy before and had to be strong and think about something more....real and mmm..linked to present day..Now ..with my Randy I began to dream..Isn't nice?
I am dreaming to be bride...to be in hands of my daddy...to look in his eyes, saying "yes" and to hear him saying it..Dream he to put on my finger his ring..dream to wear it..feeling i am his wife...knowing it...showing to everyone..
mmm..we are going to have mmm..."first" marriage in church...you know here its two different procedures..the official one at the state registrator and in church...So..he is going to accept my religion Orthodoxy...I think its very much from him, how do you think? As for me...i think its very serious thing..and i appreciate it very very much..Seems he really loves me..))
And this is the most important for me..

Such a nice day today))
Sometimes, just waking up I understand that this is my day))
Cannt explain this feeling..
Want to smile, and see that world is smiling to you..
Just such nice day..sunny..as I like..
Walking on streets from work to work, feel sun kisses on my face))
Really wonderful..
Usually i walk fast and mmmm.. feel how wind flow near my face, push me in my chest, grass is sooo green arround...I love spring!!!
I can close my eyes and imagine i am on the beach..running..remind the smell of the air...so fresh.
Think in my previous life I was a fish.., or Nessi from Lochness..LOL..
I adore the sea!!!
Every year in spring I began to feel like being drugged..maybe i am seaaddicted?
Wish this year to be at the sea with my Randy,i would combine two biggest pleasures in my life))..but think it's impossible((
maybe next year?..

It is one of the worst days in my life..
It began soo good.
I almost all night slept with daddy near me..))We could even talk all night..very nice feeling..i saw dreams where we were together..
In the morning i went to present some statements..then desided to go to the doctor..to check if i will be soon Mom or no..
While sitting in line before doctor's room i was thinking what i want more..a baby or to remain slim for my daddy..and to have time to work out a bit..to prepare better to be mother..
Then i came in the room..lay on testing sofa..answered on doctor's question..the check was about 35-40 minutes..I was waiting and waiting..you know i am impatient..so finally he told me that he doesn't see any pregnance yet((
You know ..better he would hit me with something..It hurt me soo much to hear this..I hoped to be pregnant, to have daddy's child, to see happyness and proud in daddy's eyes..
Think doctor noticed what reaction i had on his words, cause he very fast told me to come after 10-14 days..to check again..he said maybe the baby is too small he could see him..I ..don't know from where, gathered last forces and asked what probability is that i am pregnant now..he said "very low"..
I felt myself soo terrible, well i feel now the same..
I went out so destroyed morally...but it wasn't the only my "adventure" this day..
I ...decided to go to another doctor to check again...you know here Moldavian chicken doctors dont know too well how to cure people..Sure there are some exceptions, but they only support the rule..
So i went to another doctor..another waiting line..another unpleasant check...the same result..you know..i was hoping till last second that first doctor was just incompetent...But when heard her words..something died in me..Sounds too patetically, but it's how i feel now..
It made me too understand how much i want a baby..no, not baby, Randy's baby!!, i would give everything to have him..
Also you know...to check they use 2 instruments..with one they just rub the belly, and another they introduce inside you..i felt so mm..terrible..realised there i have place only for daddy, noone, nothing else..
And now..i really afraid to tell these "news" to daddy, don't want to see disappontment in his eyes..Really hope he will read my blog before we talk..I don't know..maybe i am afraid he would love me less...we wanted that baby so much..I hate now my weakness..I should be stronger now..Think daddy will feel even worse..he doesn't like to show me his pain.
You know, just few days ago he told me that he will be happy anyway..but now i feel he told this only to calm me..to help me to live these moments...
I came to work after that check, stayed there a while, and then went home...just couldn't think about anything else today..
Thanks God and me i have such job that i can work at home too..
I tried to work at home..to work hard..just not to think about this..but its again and again in my head..And my favourite tea is finished, which i got used to drink to calm..
God, why it's so hurts..?

Its another rainy day..
Very cold outside..
But i am sooo happy..today talk with my daddy)), played with him warcraft.
Enjoyed this time. You know, sometimes he yells at me, when i am doing something wrong..First time it was really frustrating ..But now..think i got used with it)) But tsss....Don't tell him)))Think i just now much more confident in his love for me)))Even he yells i know he wants just the best for us, for me...(well i hope its so)..
We talk today about friendship with ex'es..He told me that he is still in touch with his exgirlfriends..and told them about us being together..
Well i was thinking about this, like i got used for last 5-6 years, you know psycologist's way to think..
How can we be friends with the person you loved?..i mean really !! loved..Not just some sort of flirt, or passion, or sex...
well i think it will depend on way of breaking off the relations..Sometimes when they both understand that love is gone..then i can believe in such of friendship...
But when one of them still loves?
I think it would be a sort of sado-mazo relations..To hear from your ex-, whom you still love that he has new girlfriend..or even to see her photoes..It would make me crazy..But think i would be still curious)))"The curiosity kills the cat))"Its about me, i am that cat..lol..Even if would hurt me i would be interested in my ex- life and relation( if i would love him)..
And another thing I realised is that I just cannt imagine we are not together with Randy...its just impossible)))..Science fiction..

[465x699]
Hi everyone..
I just had no time to write more often, but i will to be good girl and be here at least once a week or twice..
Today i made some proffesional photo..I enjoyed it very much..
I know i will send them for my love, he not to feel soo lonely..
I know very well what is lonelyness..when you come into your apartment and noone is waiting for you..
I already learned how to enjoy this lonelyness..., think he did too, but we are now in such age and mood, that really need our second half be with us...me with him..
I still don't know about baby...but 5 days period late sounds great, isn't it?
I decided not to buy any tests..just to wait more 1 week and go to the doctor...It would be wiser)).
In both variants i will be happy..Don't want to dream about baby anymore..Don't want be disappointed....
Oh..i forget to tell you..its so nice outside...real spring..
And daddy soon will come..

Hi ..
I don't know anything for sure yet(((
Its first day of delay...God, i want so much to be pregnant..
I ve made already 5!!! tests..so impatient..and everytime it was showing just one line on it:((..everytime it was such big disappointment..to see this lonely line on the test..Tomorrow morning i am going to make the last test..
You know i was living these 2 years..like sleeping princess..now Randy came and woke me up with sweet kiss..and now i am again alive, but everytime i see something that reminds me about him , about us doing sex...I feel myself like a bitch with the period, wanting her dog partner..Everything reminds me him..
He will be here in 6 weeks..and again i am waiting him soo much..God...i am so impatient, hate to wait..but you know, i think our love just becoming stronger with this distance..I miss him so much..I noticed, before in my previous relations the distance made me to mmm..forget somehow the partner..
With my daddy...i almost feel on my skin his tender touches, i remember how sweet are his kisses.
Ohh..and another thing that is changing in my life...I feel myself like mmm..being small girl, mmm..blonde:),i even bought pink clothes for me..LOL..
It such a nice feeling..being weak, small, cute babygirl, and knowing you have big strong daddy, who cares of you and protecting you, and he is everything for this baby ..

[525x698]
You know, when we were together, we made some photoes together..
Its very interesting now to look at those photoes..
I still cann't believe its me there on photo..
I think i look much better on those photoes..Maybe its happiness that makes me more beautiful?
I love so much Randy's hugs...Its so wonderful..

Today was interesting day..
Really amazing..
I was reminding all our weekend with Randy and noticed one thing..
He did that, i was trying to do for 5 years...
I ..had problems. with my private intimate space..couldn't allow anyone to enter this zone..i mean in my previous relation i needed to control this..
From the very beginning there..in airport..standing near the wall..i didnt feel anything except love, embarrasment and excitement..no fear..no panic as usually i had..
Really interesting..and mm..staying in lift in my house with him..again near wall..i didnt felt any fear..even opposite feeling..felt he is protecting me..
I don't know how he did it..I didn't notice any barrier he to pass, only now, analysing it i can see it, then it was just naturally, as it should be..
somehow he entered in my soul and brain and heart so deep, that i didnt notice it))
He is healing me...my complexes, my fears..he is great.God..i love him soo much..Tell it to him every minute..Feel myself so silly..but enjoying this)) think i am crazy..
Today i was in the city center with the business..everywhere on my eyes pregnant women...i want soo much to be pregnant too..i want to have his child..
this time...waiting whether i am pregnant or no..it drives me crazy..i feel very strange..behave as i would be pregnant))
Girls on my work...don't know how they will survive these 2 weeks, till i be sure..I am a bit.mmm..strange now)))this is lightly expression))
Will tell you when i will be sure, ok?

Hi..
I didn't write a lot of time.. My love visited me and i have to do a lot of things on my job to be more or less free these 2,5 days..God, he made me so happy...
But let's begin from the very beginning...
He bought the tickets for 28 March..i was sooo anxious to meet him, to look in his eyes, to feel his kisses..
i was like a marathon on my job before=its the end of the year quarter so as accountant i need to present a lot of statements..In addition to this i needed to color my hair, to do nails, to cook, to clean the apartment...a lot of things..
I was nervous and at the same time very very calm...
it were like waves of emotions..I don't know how i was waiting for my daddy..it were like i would have some needles and pins under me..couldnt sit, stay at one place, i had to run somewhwere, to jump...too much energy i think..
So...big day in airport...Our airport is small and people who are waiting can see travellers through the big glass door..
It was two planes at the same time, so i was staying there and looking at the big line of people who waited for custom control....
Other people, who were meeting the travellers, they were waving their hands, shouting something, smiling, nervous...but i was just waiting and waiting..
Till i notice one pair of the most beautiful and native eyes..I sank in it...but then suddenly i losed them and couldnt find it anymore..i was thinking were he can be..hiding?
And i waited and waited...we there have 2 doors which lead out..First is almost all the time closed, everyone can just look through it, and the second is to come out...So..i was running between those 2 doors waiting for him..
I decided to remain near the first door..and it was about 2-3 minutes and i saw him..coming..and entering in hall through the glass door( he was first to come out through that door)..He come to me..looked in my eyes..said hi and kissed me..
It was sooo wonderful ..our first kiss..so sweet..
I felt like.mm..i would do everything if he ask me..
i felt love..no..LOVE..
we went from there...and stopped near the wall..Here he pushed me lightly to it...and kissed me deeper, hotter..so that my legs began to tremble..He is sooo sexy..
So we calm down a bit..kissed and went to the taxi..
The taxi is one story apart..Randy made me to feel soo embarrassed.. he was kissing me there..touching me..i felt embarrassed, but very very excited..we come to home..
i prepared before dinner..but we ate much..later...god..i never had such sex...
everything i had before ..it was not sex even,...now i understand it very well..He...filled me totally..its amazing..
So..it was very hot weekend...but except the sex..we had other connection too..i felt very happy just to lay near him and to look in his eyes, or feel my hand in his hand..
First day we went to the market to buy some things for the computer, didn't find anything..))Daddy think hate our country))To much to walk without any result))
We came home..he made me go and find what we needed..its interesting..he gave me the mm..confidence..and optimistic way of thinking..its not usuall for russians..
The last day we went in the city center, made some photoes..were in nice cafe..then went home..my computer got virus ..and daddy was repairing it..i was a bit dissappointed, needed his attention for me, not for computer..but..at the same time..i saw his strength in his decisions..and i don't know now what is better..he didnt pay me attention that time..but gave me confidence in what he is doing..this means if he decided to do something nothing will stop him..and i love this feature..i needed such man, god..its only pitty i didnt met him before..at 16)) he always to be with me..to love me, to protect me..
Then it was sleepless night..we went to the airport..were holding our hands..hugging...but..its strange..i felt so confident in him..in our relations..felt being like a wife whose husband went for a businesstrip)) and very soon be home..
Sure after i came home i cried..felt lonely in my apartment..his smell everywhere..but.think we need to find better good sides..He made me happy..maybe i am pregnant..god i want it sooo much. Want to have his baby..Our baby..today made the test, it was negative(( maybe its too early?...i need daddy's baby...i want it so badly...
and ..you know..everyone has some space in his memories, where he never will allow anyone to enter..some skeletons in closet..daddy gave me enough confidence to let him enter that closet..i ..never told about some things to anyone in whole world..i tried to forget some things..Today he asked me..and i felt he ..can know this things about me too..i just trust him as never trusted a person..and didn't want to tell him not truth..i just pray he to understand me and not accuse me in anything..cause..well i dont know how i would live if such situation happends..I feel his love and i love him too..
I simply want to be with him..all my life..
till the last minute..

Hi everyone..
My Randy is already ok...he told me this..but i don't know if now he tells me the trueth or just wants me not to worry ..I asked him to make some photoes of him after accident..or webcam show..he refused((
I don't know why..no, i know why..he wants to show he is strong...never weak...Weak doesn't mean bad..And noone can be strong in every activity..Maybe someone offended him in youth or childhood..i don't know..you know there is such type of woman, silly one, who will laugh on her boyfriend, if she see he cannt do a thing, even if she notice he tries..i would kill such woman..think they are becoming first complex..the same with the man...
Sometimes, such situation makes the person stronger, as it was with my daddy,(my thoughts only..not facts..maybe it is just rich imagination) but can you imagine what would be if that person would be weak? he could became weaker, could break..
Think everyone should see what is inside him, to try to realize why he is doing that and not this..why he wants the certain things..i did it..It helps me to live more happily...cause i know myself very well..i know what i want..and that i will be happy if obtain this...I know i want my Randy..and always wanted such person as my husband, as father of my children..
And ..i want if he will read my blog him to know...i will always love him..weak or strong..and i always will be on his side, no matter if he will be right or wrong..

Well my daddy is out of hospital and is home..
I feel great relief..but..i understand one thing..will write in russian..
Знаете девочки, Я много думала все это время..лучще я бы узнала что он мне изменяет, чем пережить еще раз эту боль..Я думаю я бы все смогла бы ему простить..только бы он был здоров и счастлив...Слишком сильно я его люблю..

Well...i had worst night in my life..
The day began sooo good..it is already 1 month we are together..i felt soo happy..we talk a bit in the morning, then a bit at the day and not too much evening..and Randy asked me to go to sleep for a couple of hours...Better i wouldn't do it...I blame now myself for sleeping last night and not talking with him..So we decided to meet in scype after 3 or 4 hours..
I was there as we talked..but he wasn't ..i was waiting a couple of minutes and got an sms, telling me "honey don't worry.I had bad car accident, but now i am ok just some bruises and bad shoulder and ..i am in hospital now..soon will be at home.." Does he really believes that i won't worry?
I know myself very well...when i am ill( i mean very ill, ex. when i was making surgeries), dying in hospital..noone from my family or friends knew this.I don't like to see pitty in their eyes, don't like this feeling..don't want them to worry about me.So knowing myself, and looking closely to the situation i felt that something really bad happends..god..i tried to call him, again and again..no response, i sent him sms, no response..different bad thoughts arised in my head..why if he didn't hurt too much to worry me about it, he stays in hospital so long..think he even remained there on night..
God, i feel so weak, cause i cann't help him, cannt come and take care of him, i know he is alone there and he won't ask anyone for help..i feel so terrible...
In the morning i received another one sms, where he said that me to stop calling him, cause it is forbidden there to use phones in hospital and he needed to went out of hospital to write me this sms..well the sms was a bit mean, maube he was very tired, or felt bad or..wanted me to feel upset and less worry about him..well, it didn't work.
I couldn't sleep for sure, i cannt eat, i cannt think. Now i came home from work (today i need to go to work very early -at 8am, usually i work from 10am) and sit like a dog near computer and wait for him..
Now i understand what really he means for me..i knew that i love him, but now i now that i cannt breath without him..God i don't know what to do..I am afraid he is sick, laying alone..and i cannt do anything, just sit here and crying..i ..don't know how i will live if something happend to him..i love him so much!!I am praying now he to be healthy and to cure fast from those traumas..