It is one of the worst days in my life..
It began soo good.
I almost all night slept with daddy near me..))We could even talk all night..very nice feeling..i saw dreams where we were together..
In the morning i went to present some statements..then desided to go to the doctor..to check if i will be soon Mom or no..
While sitting in line before doctor's room i was thinking what i want more..a baby or to remain slim for my daddy..and to have time to work out a bit..to prepare better to be mother..
Then i came in the room..lay on testing sofa..answered on doctor's question..the check was about 35-40 minutes..I was waiting and waiting..you know i am impatient..so finally he told me that he doesn't see any pregnance yet((
You know ..better he would hit me with something..It hurt me soo much to hear this..I hoped to be pregnant, to have daddy's child, to see happyness and proud in daddy's eyes..
Think doctor noticed what reaction i had on his words, cause he very fast told me to come after 10-14 days..to check again..he said maybe the baby is too small he could see him..I ..don't know from where, gathered last forces and asked what probability is that i am pregnant now..he said "very low"..
I felt myself soo terrible, well i feel now the same..
I went out so destroyed morally...but it wasn't the only my "adventure" this day..
I ...decided to go to another doctor to check again...you know here Moldavian chicken doctors dont know too well how to cure people..Sure there are some exceptions, but they only support the rule..
So i went to another doctor..another waiting line..another unpleasant check...the same result..you know..i was hoping till last second that first doctor was just incompetent...But when heard her words..something died in me..Sounds too patetically, but it's how i feel now..
It made me too understand how much i want a baby..no, not baby, Randy's baby!!, i would give everything to have him..
Also you know...to check they use 2 instruments..with one they just rub the belly, and another they introduce inside you..i felt so mm..terrible..realised there i have place only for daddy, noone, nothing else..
And now..i really afraid to tell these "news" to daddy, don't want to see disappontment in his eyes..Really hope he will read my blog before we talk..I don't know..maybe i am afraid he would love me less...we wanted that baby so much..I hate now my weakness..I should be stronger now..Think daddy will feel even worse..he doesn't like to show me his pain.
You know, just few days ago he told me that he will be happy anyway..but now i feel he told this only to calm me..to help me to live these moments...
I came to work after that check, stayed there a while, and then went home...just couldn't think about anything else today..
Thanks God and me i have such job that i can work at home too..
I tried to work at home..to work hard..just not to think about this..but its again and again in my head..And my favourite tea is finished, which i got used to drink to calm..
God, why it's so hurts..?