I don’t want to turn my dairy into a collection of stupid childish thoughts concerning the feels I have. I don’t want it to be a collection of notes devoted to one person. It is not necessary. I’ve told him everything I wanted. Moreover, I write it in English because I hope that he will be too lazy to translate that. But I created the diary to write the things I really want to say and now it is absolutely essential to me to speak.
It is sunny and calm outside. I used to love this weather because my mood is strongly influenced by it. But now I am knocked-out. The better the weather is the more I want him to be near, the more I want to share with him my tenderness, my aspirations. I remind myself these stupid romantics ( I always despised them) who say that they cant breathe without their beloved. I can. My organism perfectly functions without him. But he is like a part of my mental health. I cant be completely happy without him. People are so stupid. I am stupid. I am very very stupid. I was not ready to take the gift a was given. It is the punishment I have to bring from one day to another. And that is my life. I used to say: “If you don’t like something in your life you have to change something”. What should I change? Should I Obtain another five minutes of being together because of his mercy? It is cruel. I don’t want to be felt sorry, I want to be beloved. Be loved by him. Every bump even with his name brings an unbearable pain. 5 minutes of togetherness may completely kill me. So what should I change? We were not created for each other. Breathe in and step. One day it will be completed.