This is it, I've done it - I have filed for divorce! Not as if it makes any difference for now, but I am relieved that I do not have to think of it anymore! Now the process has started and my future will be dependant on the outcome of this process.
Have been ill again last week, spent Thursday in bed with bad sore throat and temperature. But was able to get my questions for Amandeep ready. I was worried that I'd still be ill on Friday, but I did get better, plus strong medications kept me "alive", so I went to see Amandeep and we went through my papers. She said that without any doubts I have sufficient reasons for divorce. She actually thought my reasons were a little too strong, but then she read them again and said to leave it as it is. She advised on some minor corrections, and I felt really confident after that meeting, as all was very clear and my questions were answered. I re-printed everything and send to the court on Monday. I was surprisingly calm, not even excited at all, not happy or unhappy, just sure that this is what I need to do. I did not even feel the urge to share it with anyone, on the contrary now I want to keep this to myself. Especially because I am not sure what will happen next, will he defend it or not?
Harry must have been feeling something, on Friday night he begged me not to do anything. He said he is seeking help, he realised he has problems, and that he is also depressed, but is now going to get therapy and get better. He begged me to give him another chance… (bref, old story).
This has not had any impact on me at all, if anything it was annoying that he thinks that I will be that stupid and play his game again. I have zero trust in him, how can he not understand?
The only interesting thing was that he did start behave normally, and was quite nice on Saturday and Sunday, and pretty ok after that too. At times he was way too nice, he would hold me and hug me, and say nice words. It felt very awkward, very fake in fact. I was very uncomfortable, yet did not have the strength to push him away. I would have preferred if he just left me along, but he keeps saying that he loves me, that he was wrong in treating me the way he did, etc. etc. Apparently the women he spoke to gave him some simple advise (like to let me live my life, to be nice to me, to speak kindly, to communicate, to count to 10 before saying anything when he is angry.. - all the obvious things that I've been telling him to do too).. Somehow when this advise came from an outsider, he decided to follow it, and it's clearly working. But it is too late. I am no longer interested, in my mind he is no longer my husband, though on paper he may still be it.
He made an appointment with the GP to get advise and treatment for depression. I don't think that depression is his problem, well it's part of the problem actually making his other issues worse. But he just thinks it's depression, so he found an easy explanation to himself. Still I am very astonished that he has admitted that he won't be able to get better by himself.

We had a spontaneous get-together with the girls in London on Saturday, which was very nice.
And then again on Sunday morning we decided to go to a safari park.. Not sure why I agreed to go with Harry, especially after I decided not to spend any time with him. I just knew Yuri would be happy to see the animals, so I did it for him. Was annoyed with myself as I had wrong clothing and shoes, and it was windy and very muddy, so both my new coat and new shoes got spoiled and covered in dirt. Other than this and very rainy weather on the way back, it was not a bad day, so I did not regret going.

I am not in the best of moods somehow, can't really explain why. Feeling tired and in desperate need of exercise, which still seems to be challenging. Harry has agreed in principle to let me go in the evenings, but we can't get started, as there is always something on the way.

We got the bonus, and I'll book the photography course soon, this will cheer me up, I am sure.
Also have been looking at the school options for Yuri. Dolphin school is nice, and hours can work for full time employment. And it's about 3000 pounds a year cheaper, which is huge difference. I called them up yesterday (took advantage while sitting at home due to the power cut in the office). If we move Yuri there from September (they start from 3 years old, and would take Yuri from the autumn term), then I'll actually have enough money for the mortgage (which will be reduced to 500 from next month), school fees and just enough to cover all my expenses! Just need to find a way to make Harry leave! Well the court will deal with this, if the worst comes to worst.