My new life has began... I am definitely growing up, I have to take control of everything and start re-organizing my life and take responsibility for every aspect of it. It’s hard and exciting at the same time. I spent the whole weekend along, Yuri was with Harry, so I had time to get things done in the house.. the best thing was the feeling, that I am actually always going to have time now, and I do not need to be stressed out at all. With empty living room and the feeling of space, I felt that my mind has cleared of clutter and I can finally see things clearly and I have the energy to sort it out. I managed to get through large amounts of paper and I got going with Natasha’s album again. Though at the end I did not feel very satisfied. I am looking at other ideas, and may need to re-do it again completely, it has to be something outstanding, otherwise I won’t be happy. Dinesh came on Sunday to help me hang the frames. He is so knowledgeable and so kind, he gave me lots of advise too. Again I was a bit disappointed that I chose clear frame and not frosted one.. also the long frame has two much reflection and I would have to move it, but things are progressing and that’s what matters.
Today was so good at work, only 5 hours and they went so fast! And when I came out, the sun just broke through the clouds as if it wanted to welcome me to this new life with free time during the day when the nature will be all mine to enjoy. Yuri was excited to see me, but then he had a terrible tantrum at home. I could not do anything until he went to bed, but that’s fine, as the whole purpose of this is to spend more time with him, and not tear myself apart between him and everything else. His Russian is progressing so well, he is so ego to learn the words and the letters, we spend about an hour playing, he loves it. He still has a very funny foreign accent, and he always confuses gender and tenses, it’s such a hard language, but he is willing to speak. I am delighted that my plan has worked – power of my thinking is yielding results yet again.
Out TV does not work – so I have no clue what’s going on in the world. I am feeling impatient to get some furniture.. I know I need to check what I can afford first. One part of me is being cautious, and the other is saying that I will have enough money and should not worry. Which one will win?
The heating is working again thanks to Dinesh, it was so silly of me not to check the thermostat.
I have to learn to live on my own, and I will make this home beautiful and it will be wonderful to be in it. I am getting used to the space now, it no longer feels empty.
I also need to break the old habits that Harry imposed on me, on how to handle my clothes, how to cook, clean, etc. I need to re-discover who I am and have a fresh start. I’ve got the green light!
Sam keeping sending me texts at least once a week, he does not want me to forget him? I actually stopped thinking about him. I cannot get distracted right now. Just need to cheer up a tiny bit more.
Day off tomorrow, need a good sleep and will be good as new again!

This is definitely a new page in my life, there are many physical changes too, I am not too much into symbolism, but it’s all pointing clearly at the major change.
This week I am feeling a bit down. Harry was here 3 evenings in a raw to get his belongings from the loft.. he was terribly rude the very first night.. he managed to through me out of balance as well.
The last two nights were peaceful, he got everything and today he got the movers in and all his things are gone. My living room is empty.. I don’t even understand how I feel about it. I’ts strange first of all. I know I do not regret about the furniture or any other material objects, I am not attached to them.. still can’t say I am happy.. or unhappy.. just a lit disturbed, there is no turning back. I do not even know why I let him take everything. I just let it happen, I can not fight anymore, that must have been the easier option just to let go?
I do not want him to be back ever again, he wanted to return to pick up small items, I said no, we made the list and I will put these items out for him. He has several boxes full of beautiful new glasses, but yet he asked me to give him half of those cheap Tesco glasses that we bought together. I will never understand.
I will also be changing desks at work tomorrow, so all will be different from now on, what I do at work, the way my house looks, the extra time that I am finally going to have.. new friends, freedom, great Salsa nights too.. no money or more money? How will things turn out?
I need to get my life re-organized, piles of unsorted papers are bothering me, but the worst is Natasha’s album, I still have not finished it, it’s dreadful...

After Nicola’s pictures I am doing nothing else but her album, that’s it!
Still very positive about the future. I take comfort when I think of my new male friends Joe and Sam.. it’s nice to feel that they can help me if I call them, though I never will.
I guess I am sad.. but excitement will certainly follow, I will get everything I want!

That’s it, the story is finally over, I still can not believe that it finally happened! I am writing this from home and I do not have to worry that he might find out!
HE HAS MOVED OUT!
He took a large part of his belongings, I have changed the locks and this means never again he is coming back to spend the night under the same roof as me.
He is gone, and peace and happiness will now reign in this house forever...We shared a bottle of wine with my mom, I am so delighted!
I have had an amazing influx of energy, cleaning up and doing chores around the house, all that despite the fact that I am absolutely exhausted after TLUK big event and weekly commute to Richmond for SFDC course.
I can close this chapter of my life, though I have not been keeping any records lately, it’s pretty much because the purpose of this diary has been fulfilled. It helped me to stay focused and find strength in the moments of weakness. My life has improved dramatically, and the last month is the prime example of how wonderful it can be when each day is filled with interesting things and I can live to the fullest every single moment.

I have no more anger and certainly no regrets.

Now my diary will be dedicated to my new passion and my road to success in Photography!

I am really geared up for this last battle. Since I got the dictation machine I feel more protected, and every conversation that we have gets recorded. He kept telling me that our account will be negative at the end of the year, and that's all my fault and I would have to cover up for the difference. So finally I got my act together, I sat down, I got all the statements and analysed them one by one.
What I discovered was a real shock. He has been underpaying to the account very significantly, by about 5000-6000 this year. I am not sure what exactly did I feel, hurt, betrayed, angry? I though that I will complete the analysis and send him an e-mail, and take the matter to the court if he is unwilling to settle it. The plan did not quite work, as he saw me working on the spreadsheet last night. So we ended up have this conversation yesterday, and I recorded it all.
As expected he got very angry and he called me "crazy". However he agreed to pay in 1200, which will cover all our December bills, and we'll be able to close the account after it with a bit of a leftover. This is progress compared to me making up for the negative difference, but of course, he is still benefiting here. I will need to get all the Amex bills and check them, as I am sure I'll have evidence of his underpayments - and all his denial will be then useless.
I could not sleep, and when did start falling a sleep, I had nightmares, someone was strangling me and I felt terrified.
This is all so unhealthy. But it will be over soon.
We had really good time at Steph and Paul's, huge meal, very nice relaxing afternoon while Yuri was having his nap. I am getting my Christmas card ready this year, every friend will get one. I am happy and want to make the rest of world happy too.
Next year will be absolutely amazing. It's a final countdown!

Sunday I invited Natasha to come and work on her wedding photos.
I did not know what Harry's plans are, and I certainly did not expect that when I wake up in the morning, he won't be there!
That was amazing, and he did not come home until really late, so I did not see him all day.
We had such a happy day! Yuri and me get on so well now, we have peace and harmony at home when we are alone.
I cleaned the house, cooked some lunch, while Yuri was playing and entertaining himself. When Natasha came, we were able to do everything, and he behaved like a little angel.
I enjoyed being home so much, I've forgotten how wonderful and relaxing it is to enjoy your own home. Soon, soon I can do this every weekend, and instead of running away from home, I will be relaxing and having people over. This will be just so good, I can not wait.
This week he came home late every night, so I did not see him, apart from one morning, when I told him that Yuri is ill and someone needs to stay home with him,
He accused me of making him ill and of it being it my fault that I used up all my holidays. And of course he had no intention to help.. But the fact that he is not there is helping!
Yuri is fine now, and me - even better. This morning I noticed that his suitcase is not there - I hope this means another trip, and a few more days of peace at home.
Fred has been planning a Disney trip for us, and he will pick us up from the train station.
He is so kind.. I am super sensitive to kindness now (after Harry being the opposite), it makes my heart melt, and I feel very happy and appreciative. All my friends in Paris said they would like to meet up, it feels like the trip is going to be too short. I am so excited!
I finished Fiona's photos and some of them are really quite good, I hope she likes them tomorrow.
Work has been super busy, and time goes so fast, I can not even remember last time I felt bored. Knowing that in only 4 months time I will work less and only do what I love makes me very motivated. Paul McKenna's voice is in my ears "you will find new easier ways to live, to work and to really enjoy life".. This is all becoming true.

Last night I felt so happy on my way back on the train, I thought I was going to melt, I am sure I had a stupid smile on my face, but I could not care less. 2 glasses of wine - that was it!
I can not believe how drastically my life has improved in this one years time.. It's incredible.
IMHI reunion was good fun again, did not expect to see Anna Sagryan, Peggy, Joran, Michael Nolis, Amit and Kamaldeep. It's always so emotional, and we had great laughs with everyone - it was a total high.
There was so many new faces too, but I have not had time to meet anyone new, just Charles Lutti, and he was very charming of course.
Harry left on a business trip in the morning, and immediately the atmosphere in the house is so much lighter and happier. In just a couple of months it will be like this every day, how wonderful would that be?
Steph A was such a darling, she arrived on time, we had a chat, and Yuri was so happy to play with her, he did not even attempt to cry when I was leaving.
Sounds like that had a very good time together too.
Yuri is lovely lately, and makes me smile "Mommy, you are beautiful" (when I was putting my white shirt on).. "Mommy, you are like a duck - you have lots of water" (when I was having a bath).
Dan announced that he is leaving.. There will be more changes at work.. All good I suppose. I am now the most knowledgeable person in the team (after Heidi of course).. So hopefully this will be recognised in the right way. Harry is definitely buying that apartment now. YES! I am getting my re-mortgage application.. Should be fine. And mom got her visa and will be coming over for sure. Life just can not be better!

Can't access my e-mails today, so it's a clear sign that I should be updating my diary with the description of the latest exciting events.
Lots of things again, overall feeling that things are finally falling into place and everything started happening the way I wanted it to.
We had lots of heated arguments and lots of up and downs, and I was trying too hard to push things and get some kind of conclusion. When it was not happening, I decided to let go, and then all of a sudden the situation started to progress on its own.
Last Thursday he came in and said that he found a flat that he is trying to buy. I could not believe my ears. At that point I have already contacted Amandeep and was already prepared to move ahead with her help (get him out through the court and then get the court to arrange a settlement), while accepting the fact that he will not probably move out that quickly.
So now I am hoping strongly that the purchase will go ahead, I even contacted ING to borrow more money - to give it to him for his deposit. He also seem to have accepted the fact that he will not be able to get half of the equity on the house! What a great progress that it. I was firm with him and told him that I won't give him more that 25000. what a blessing that was that he refused to sign that consent order where I listed 36000! All seems to work in my favour in this situation.
At the same time we got the confirmation of Yuri's school place in January, and Heidi mentioned that they would be prepared to create a part time position for me! I think I will start on the 1st of April…So I will work a lot less, and earn enough to cover the basic expenses. By then I will start making income with photography! My heart fills with excitement when I think about this all. This will be the last winter when I have to wake up so early every morning! I have been photographing someone every weekend. I love it so much! Last weekend I had two sessions - one on Saturday and one on Sunday morning. It was so much fun! I met new people, we were enjoying the time together, and then they can enjoy the great memories. This is a perfect way to make a living.
At the same time I just got our British passports! I could not believe it, it was done so quickly - it took less than 2 weeks, how efficient is that?

Have realized that I am not keeping up with my records, and yet there is a lot that deserves mentioning.
I am feeling really good, and on many nights excitement keeps me awake, happiness just overwhelms me and I am not even tired the next day. Yet, not everything is sorted out yet, on the contrary there is still a lot to fight about (the hardest bit- getting him out of the house is still not sorted), but I feel liberated inside, and I started attracting a lot of positive things back into my life, it's been unbelievable. All of a sudden I started meeting new people. Anywhere - through friends, on the train, in the shops.. And I have found many old friends with whom I have lost touch for many years. First Sasha Mosin found me through "odnoklassniki", and then it just would not stop, I found my ex-classmates from 11th Internat, and then I tried to find Artem, and 2 days later he found me.. And then someone who was with us in Sousse found me through odnoklassniki too! Every day I get messages from someone who is happy to find me, and it's all great fun. Anton Krasnov told me that boys in our class were all in love with me and we used to kiss through a cloth. It was so funny that someone remembers that. And Sveta Sizova told me she still remembers my father, and how he used to come every Wednesday night and told us stories.
At home it's been weirdly calm the last few days. After all the turmoil and fights over settlement last week, which we did not reach at the end, Harry has decided to behave nicely.. He is normal and polite and does not bother me too much (still a little bit, but it's surely bearable). And we even cleaned the house together, and it's back to normality after a state of ultimate mess. Still I have made up my mind and sent the occupation order application yesterday. At first I did not feel comfortable about this idea. But when he did not want to discuss the possibility of having a different settlement, still for the same amount but over 2 years, I made up my mind to go ahead with it. I do not know if it will work, but I will not loose anything if I try. Once I know the outcome, I will decide on the next step. In the meantime I make sure I live a full and happy life every day. And it has been the case lately, I even manage to do some things in the evenings during the week. Drove to have dinner at Alex B's place two weeks ago, and had a pub outing last week. And doing venture viewing tonight. Also lots of fun activities on the weekends - day with Thomas was great fun, Venture photo-session and the visiting friends all the time. And still taking lots and lots of photographs. And I registered my company last week, so no turning back! And I signed up to attend the photographic convention in January, and have lots of plans and projects and work, and I love it. Almost finished the photo-gift for Alex B, I think she will be impressed. Sent off almost all my Moscow photo-shoots, and everyone said that they liked the photos. And I even had my first sale - the newly-weds from Kolomenskoye agreed to buy my photos. Though the money went to my family, it feels like my new life of making a living from photography has had it's start.

That's it, I am no longer married.. Finita la comedia… though we are still living together, it's a bit like sharing a room in a student dorm with someone who you do not really like. At least you know it's only till the end of the term. Hopefully till the end of the year in the worst case scenario.

I got consent order ready last week, and I gave the papers to Harry, he was very rude and refused to read them, and then he went away for 4 days (which is always great), but in the meantime I did not waste my half day off on Thursday and I went to Reading and filed for decree absolut. The women in the court was not so pleasant this time, and she could not answer my questions either. "We are not legally trained", she said. In any case I have submitted the application, took some forms that I knew I might need, and left. Saturday morning a letter arrived stating that our marriage is now dissolved. I did not quite react to it, may be it's because I waited for it for so long? Or may be because not all is settled yet. Was meeting up with Fred and Steph in London. They were happy to share this big news. After lunch and lovely walk in St. James park, we went to a pub on Trafalgar square, and Fredo ordered a bottle of Veueve Cliqot. I was very touched.. I am so lucky to have a friend like this. Natalie looked even more beautiful this time, and they are still so happy together, it's so good to see. I really enjoyed meeting up, and we decided to go ice-skating with Claudia in December.
Steph T was tired and a bit grumpy, she very strictly told me not to do the canvas for her.."hozyain - barin", I am not going to argue in this case.

I am trying to get used to my new status. Lot's of exciting things are coming up. I know that everything will be all right. Though being around Harry is not pleasant, this is nothing new. Some days he is very rude and provocative, but most times I just ignore him and do not respond. I keep my calm, the end of this is so near!
I will be so happy.. And in fact I am already very happy.. Really happy inside. Have been super busy with all the photographs. Have lots of projects and limited time, but every day there is some progress and it feels good.
I had a very productive evening yesterday, re-arranged my website and will make it live by the end of the week.
Yuri has been much better lately. He is so grown up now. "diesel" game really worked for some time, now just need to carry on. A bit worried about his accidents at night, it has been once a week so far since we came back. I hope it will stop soon, he gets very upset, and I am just worried that he is so cold when he is wet.

Apart from that things are moving in the right direction.

Have so many things to write about, will I ever remember it all? New things keep happening and making impression on me, while past days are quickly fading away.
I loved my holidays… it was the best. Superb time in Moscow, best of all was the fact that I was able to properly relax and sleep well every night (while holding Yuri in my arms).
And without any forward planning every day filled up with events that made me happy. I got to see Serezha and his family, Lena Bedzir, Madina, Ira Dmitrenko (first time after 19 years!), Larissa G, Larissa K, neighbours Lena and Natasha, Yulia and Sveta, Lyuba, Lena Kerentceva and then my classmates Natasha, Lida and Natasha Ferapontova - and all this in only 7 days. And I had photo-opportunities every single day including a wedding in Kolomenskoye, it was perfect.Plan that I drafted in my mind became reality just as I pictured it.. Now just need to see if I can make my first sale.
I've got some nice shots for my portfolio, no doubt about that. After the intense week in Moscow, we took off to Sousse in Tunisia. Regardless of the problems with the agency and the hotel, I still had a great time.. Swimming in the sea, sunshine, watching Yuri and Ira playing together, pampering myself with massage.. All these were unforgettable highlights. I was relaxed and happy.
Some conclusions from meeting up with my girlfriends: all complain about their relationships, but are actually in shock that I am not just complaining but actually doing something about it..
Meeting up with people who I have not seen for 20 years, was amazingly refreshing. It was an unexpected bonus to my trip. I will certainly do it again. My father is loosing his mind, I can not trust his judgement or what he says. It's sad.. The only reason I can love and accept him is because I am far away. My mother's nerves are completely off, she needs some serious treatment, I am concerned.. I would not want to go on holidays together again, but I'll do what I can to ensure she gets some proper rest.
My photographic career seems to have a future in Russia, I am very optimistic.
Will write about Yuri next time, he deserves a separate chapter.

The way of truth and love has always won!
There have been tyrants and murderers and for a time they seem invincible but in the end, they always fall -- think of it, ALWAYS.
Law of Attraction states:
"You get what you think about ; your thoughts determine your destiny."

My "me time" is almost coming to an end now, and I just can't believe how much I managed to fit into it.
Last Tuesday I had a super pleasant evening at Steph A's place, it was so nice! (power nap on the train really helped me to feel my best) we had great food and good laughs, I had a wonderful warm feeling when I left them. The next evening I took some time for myself, but then Nicola dropped by and we picked the best photos and made some re-touching - replaced Damian's head from one picture to another.
The next day it was a mini-iq party at Shelly's. she prepared it well, and it was a successful evening. Products were very over-priced though, but I still got a nice present for Ira - just to be polite, as though they did not put pressure to buy anything, you still have to do it. We had a good lively chat with Nicola and Hayley.. She told us a story of her friend who died of an asthma attack, it was quite shocking. Shelly is a little weird with me lately, I can't quite explain it, but I do not really have the time to think about it either. Kamey cancelled on Friday, and it was a relief at the end, I was able to do things, and got ready for the wedding on Saturday. That really was a very important day for me. Let's of useful information, and very interesting watching Tushar work. I wonder why he had agreed to help me? He seems to be a lucky person like me though. The weather was so specific that day, heavy rain on the way to Kent and back, but perfect during the wedding. And when we found the park by pure chance and lighting and background was so superb, I could get absolutely stunning pictures for my portfolio. I could not believe my luck! When I saw her coming out in the white dress, I wanted to jump to the sky!
And the whole experience was really cool. I was welcomed, and felt at ease, with all these people who did not have a clue who I was… I think I have really stepped into the part of my life that is blessed and full of magic.
I've done my shopping on Sunday, and cleaned up the house and got everything organised. It felt really good, that all is now under control. Sarina cancelled, so I just had a day for myself, and I loved it.
Monday I saw Marianne to say good bye, and today I went to Deborah's for lunch. I was happy to see her, and so sorry that she is suffering. Tonight I'll have another quiet evening to get everything finished. And tomorrow we'll celebrate my Britishness with Stef and Steve, my oldest friends here.
I am so looking forward to seeing Yuri now. I think if I hug him, I won't be able to let go.

and last but not least I got my website started, struggled with the pointing to clicpics, but even that worked at the end! woo-hooo!