I am totally day dreaming today: imagining how I will get a better paid job and just leave.. and all will be over and I will have this wonderful new life where nobody would want to make it difficult for me. I am overwhelmed by this feeling in my stomach, mixture of excitement and fear. This feeling is so new and yet so familiar, all the great adventures in my life have started with it. I’ve made an appointment with the agency, even if this does not work, at least I have started the process. I have to be very clever and not let Harry guess what’s going on. I should not tell anyone, though of course I am tempted.
He’s been nasty again and upset me on Saturday night. He would not let me watch the movie that I borrowed from Alex, he kept interrupting me, so I had to start 5-6 times. At the end, I threw the remote and said that I do not need to watch it, I’ll survive without it. Then he apologised and spent 30 minutes convincing me that I should watch it, but still only until his football starts. He was then convinced that I was hysterical for no reason, he completely forgot how he provoked it…
It’s extremely annoying that I can not do something so simple in my own home. We’ve got this super TV, and how many movies have I watched on it? One! He one we rented to test this very TV the day after he bought it! And now I have seen one more – what an achievement and at what price?
Also Harry bought me flowers, only so now he can say – see I am buying you flowers, and you do not appreciate it, you ungrateful bitch! That’s how he sees me, and that’s now what he is sharing with our neighbour Winston. How funny, he found an ally. Good for him, he can be happy that he found a way to revenge! I wonder how well he is able to bring up the very worst of me? I’ve never been so bad to anyone, and never wanted to be bad. But with him, I do not want to love him, and this is as simple as that. I think that devils have come back, but I do not care. Why do I have to make efforts all the time?
Anyways weekend was quite good. We went swimming with Sofie and kids, it was great. And we went for walks with Yuri. I had nothing in my hands, I just put my keys in the pocket. We were walking on the street, holding hands, the sky was blue and sun shining so bright. I felt so free, and so happy. Everyone was looking at us on the street and saying hello. I kept smiling, these are the very moments worth living your life for!