I am still not feeling good.. though I did not go to work yesterday and spent all day in bed, and I slept fine at night, I am still very weak, and my head feels very heavy … and I can not think clearly and have no energy whatsoever.. I really do not like it…
I need to get better before my trip home, but it does not seem to be happening…
Harry is not helping it either.
This morning I got very angry, I think I scared him. Yuri left his puzzles on the floor of the living room, as we were walking off the door, Harry blocked my way and demanded I tidy them up. He is off today, and he could have easily done it himself, but in his eyes, this is my responsibility (just because he decided so), so he said I had to do it.
He would not let me leave, so I got very angry (I hate to be late in the morning because there is no parking spots left if I arrive late).. I started kicking the puzzle pieces with my feet, and I hurt Harry, as one piece hit his hand! I think he got scared… He thinks I am crazy… I don’t care…
I am really not feeling well, but I can’t go home, cause he took this week off and he is there.. I hate him again… I think I really need to act soon.
When I am so weak physically, I can not control my emotions so well, I feel so run down and sad, and ready to cry any moment…

Harry is working on the garden, he has ordered lots of things, the fence, a shed, a bench, gravel.. and I do not know what. It will probably look nice when he does it .. but I do not really care, I have no interest in the garden or the house, if anything I am trying to make myself to accept the idea that I’d have to go soon.
Can’t remember anymore what happened over the weekend, I know there have been some bad incidents, but it got erased already… Just remember how he turned on the light on Saturday and would not let me sleep, when I told him that I was unwell and very tired after I came back from Stef’s place… he was really abusive, he pinched me, and he kept touching me, and not letting me sleep.
He does not tell me anything. I found out that he actually called Diane himself about the fence. When I got home yesterday after picking Yuri up, I went to see her. It was lucky that Harry went to the shops, so I invited Diane for a cup of tea yesterday instead of today. We had a nice chat with her. So it all worked out at the end.
He never told me about this call, as he never told me that he took a week off. It does not bother me, but it’s a further proof a silent war.. I am also not telling him much… but I am not expecting him to tell me things, whereas he is still expecting me to tell him everything…
On the weekend I still did things as planned, but I felt very tired and drained…
Sunday was very nice at Nicola’s place, there I even felt a little better after being out on the fresh air. Shelly was a bit strange, there was something that I can’t explain, that bothered me. She said that she is well, “better than ever”… but I had the feeling that she is hiding something and avoiding me.. never mind, she said she gave my books to that other girl, who is having a very hard time… it’s fine with me, but I will ask to have them back when I return from holidays.
Deborah has been so kind again, she drove me there and back, and they invited me to go see the steam train with them on the 30th of September…
Spending the whole evening with Stef and Steve on Saturday was really nice too… wish I have not been that tired, but still it was lovely. Much better without Harry, we can talk openly about anything, and there is no pressure to leave at a certain time or do things certain way. Louis and Yuri played together at the end, I love watching them.. Hugo was so calm and peaceful.. and Yuri learned to say his name.

My suitcase is ready, and there is only 3.5 working days left now.. How can I make myself feel well and full of energy again?