It’s exactly a month since I came back from Russia. Time to make some conclusions!
Overall I am much happier than in the entire past year, I managed to become more calm, relaxed, I no longer over-react, and I do not even hate Harry anymore.. which is all making it a lot easier for me to live my daily live. Not only do I feel more positive and confident, I am full of energy again and willing to live every minute to the fullest! I now have some time for me every evening, when I come home from work, I play with Yuri and chat with friends and family, and though it’s only about and hour or an hour and half a day, it’s making a huge difference…And I have had some really happy times when Viviana came to visit, and when I was out catching up with friends. And just during our walks with Yuri, when there was no pressure to rush home. It’s wonderful to be able to enjoy simple little things again and be just happy for no reason.

But the most disappointing thing is that Harry has not changed at all! I might have become stronger, and am handling him better, but I have not observed him making any efforts whatsoever! And this is despite all his promises and his begging to give him a chance… I really don’t quite understand how I could have been so foolish to have believed him?
There have been many examples this month where he has been difficult, abusive and even violent (just like before). It started pretty much when I told him about Vivi’s up-coming visit, so he started his usual game “ making suggestions” on how her visit had to go.. We wasted so much time on those discussions, I had to go back and forth to Vivi suggesting Harry’s plans (that were not good for either me or Vivi, but only good in Harry’s eyes).. So at the end we still did it pretty much the way we wanted, but Harry got so resentful that Viviana did not come later on Friday night (as per his request), though we still made an effort and came home after he returned from work, he behaved in a very unpleasant way during her entire stay. He refused to do anything with us (i.e. have a drink, or a meal when we invited him, or even to sit down and talk together), and he has been very rude and unpleasant to me during the whole weekend.
He made Viviana feel very uncomfortable, and it was really a shame, as she was so sweet and lovely and absolutely did not deserve it.
On Saturday night when I came home from London after saying good bye to her, he told me that he needed to talk to me. I was tired and told him that we can talk some other time. I had a shower and went to bed. He came into the room, and turned on the big light (just as I was falling asleep), and demanded that I promise him that I would talk to him the next day, as otherwise he would not let me sleep. I said “yes”, but he still kept asking me the same question obsessively. Then he did not turn of the light, as he was leaving the room, though I asked him, so I had to get out of bed, to do it myself.
The next morning he was harassing me not letting me into the room where I needed to get dressed, so I ended up being late to go to work… I was appalled that he behaved this way…
But it did not just end there. The following weekend his behaviour kept deteriorating. He made sure he did not let me do what I planned for the day. Earlier that week he asked me not to see Shelly in the evening, but on the weekend instead, so I made arrangements to see her on Saturday afternoon. However on Saturday, Harry kept complaining how he can’t even spend a day with me, and he said he would not let me go to her place, as he would need to use the car. We ended up going to Reading, and on the way back home were driving past Shelly’s house. However Harry begged me not to go see her.. He said, let’s go home and have some nice time together. I asked: like what? He said, we’ll have some tea, and chat.. and enjoy each other’s company..
I cancelled with Shelly and came home with him. About half ah hour later he told me that he was tired and went to sleep! Yuri was not well and was crying (he was sick later that day, and must have had stomach pains), so Harry kept screaming from the bedroom “why are you making him cry? Why can’t you let me get some rest!”
I did my best to keep Yuri quiet, but he got up very angry, and said that he is very unhappy with my behaviour! My behaviour!!!! I could not believe my ears…When I tried to reason with him, it was just a waste of time.. He only kept on and on about how selfish my friends are, and how I don’t care about him, but only want to be friends.
Towards the end of the day he started saying really bad things about my friend Clair, who I was planning to see the next day. He called “lazy, selfish fat cow”. It really infuriated him that I was going to go to High Wicombe to see her, and that she did not want to come to see me.. It did not bother me, so why should he even be thinking about it? but he was. At the end of the evening, I asked him to apologise for insulting my friend, otherwise I would refuse to speak to him…
The next morning I did not speak to him, so he got totally out of control… At first he pretended to be nice, then he got really angry and started threatening me all sorts of things, he screamed, and grabbed me.. and was extremely unpleasant. At the end he understood that nothing would work, so he did apologize! I won.. and I realised that I have some power over him.. but I do not want to struggle like this every time.. even if I win at the end. I do not want to struggle at all. I just want to lead a simple happy life, and not have to fight for things that should come naturally.

Yesterday I told him that there is no need to wait till the end of the months, I can make my decision right now. I am filing for divorce… He did not expect it, he was scared again and started begging me not to do it. I asked him why did he ask me to give a chance, but he did not take this chance?
He said it was because I did not believe in it, when I gave him this chance, and also because I did not put my expectations in writing (the way we planned before). What a great excuse! He said that if I write it down, he will change and do everything the way I want…

I really do not have any trust in him anymore. I will be seeing a solicitor through “Crossing Bridges” next week, and I think I would need to start the proceedings…
I know it will be painful, but I can not live like this. I think I deserved to be loved.. so may be if I end this, sometime in the future I will be able to create a happier union with someone who will not suffer when I am happy.