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My birthday's on Friday. It's strange, but I'm not really looking forward to my birthday this year. Then again I wasn't looking forward to it last year either.... But I'm apathetic almost. I don't care whether it comes or not, I just don't know why I feel so weird. It's like there's this cold feud of not knowing whether to be scared and cry or happy and joyous about a new year past in my life. Whenever I think about my life, or Matt, or Revan, my heart stops dead in its tracks and becomes ice and tingly inside my chest. Like it's frozen in place and the shards of glass are poking at my internal organs as I struggle to regain a normal state of mind.

Had another panic attack last night. It sucked... I was looking at a picture of Matt.

Going to hang out with Matt at the mall again on Saturday for my birthday. That should be fun, hopefully we don't get made fun of this time. We might also see Fantastic 4 which just came out.

Called my dad's boss's wife today, Ekatarina. She's Russian and I guess my dad told his boss about me learning Russian and he told his wife and she wanted to talk to me. It was only about a 5 minute conversation. She said "Hello, how are you?" in Russian and my mind froze and I blanked out. I knew how to respond, but I was too shy to talk. Then she asked why I was learning Russian, I wanted to know what "снова" and "слова" meant, and then she said if I ever needed help with Russian I could always call. Yay. She was adorable too, like she herself was shy and nervous to be talking to me on the phone.

OoooOOoo I have a girlfriend! I feel kinda weird about it because I'm still with Allan, but I've been thinking about breaking up with him. He hasn't called me in 4 weeks at least, the last time we talked I had to call him, which I'm not supposed to do because it costs hella lot of money. But I've been feeling distant from him, I've never seen him! Tell me what kind of a relationship is that? I feel that we should break up, but if we were really meant to be together like we think we'll meet up someday and be together. But for now I don't want to hold him back from liking someone closer to him and I too don't want to be held back. I just hope he understands.... I still love him to pieces, he's my baby, but it's just not working.

So yip, woo