You all fucking suck. I hate the world and everyone in it. I cannot trust anyone. I cannot feel anything.

I dunno if Kevin will be able to stop. This time has, so far, been different from all the others. I know that, I understand that. But this is his 4th chance and I honestly don't fucking know if I'll be able to keep it together for long. We are soulmates, I am so deeply in love with him I hate him. I hate him for making me love him so much, and I hate him for loving me the same way. I hate not being able to leave him... I should have the first time he fucked everything up. But I didn't, I couldn't... I believed him and trusted him, yet I didn't. I thought maybe he'd change and get it right, but there was something inside of me that knew.
I have something. A gift. Only for Kevin, only with Kevin... This is one of the ways I know we're soulmates. I can feel when he's sad, and I can sense when he's lying, I can tell when something is wrong. He's never once smiled at me with honest happiness. The joy in his eyes were instead always substituted for distance, for a feeling of sadness. I could see it, I could sense it, I saw all the signs and read him perfectly. Down to the absolute T. Yet I ignored my gut feeling and trusted him. And look at where it got us. And I fucking hate it. And I hate this. I hate the world and how, no matter what, I will never belong here and yet I'll never be able to get out.
This time though, I'm not sure what I feel... I'm scared, yes. But those other times the feeling was different.. more absolute.. I just knew, honestly knew in my heart that something would go wrong. But this time, it's more of I'm afraid something might go wrong. It's not official, it's not a statement. It's a worry that I feel every single minute fucking second. And I don't know what to do. It's like this time God knows that it will be the last time. And instead of all the other times when I've had a head's up, I need to just buckle down and wait and see. Like everything's been leading up to this chance, this last one that I'm giving him before I do pull the plug. Because I know what I can and cannot handle, and with my depression and high anxiety and just an overall low level of trust for anyone other than myself, I probably won't be able to dish out another get-out-of-jail-free card.

But what worries me most.. what keeps popping into my head.. is: what if I'm already at that point?

Wow, I forgot all about this site... I decided to revisit and see if my account had been deleted, and behold it HASN'T! Very odd...

Well let's see what's been going on in my life. I am still with the love of my life, Kevin. He's the most amazing person in the fucking universe and I am soooooooo glad that I have him. School's almost out and I'll be a junior next year, which is quite exciting. I've learned a lot about myself this last year, some things I've learned being that I honestly don't like most people, I hate being touched by anyone not Kevin, and that I am a mess. I have OCD, depression, depersonalisation, derealisation, paraesthesia, and some phobias.

I'm so ready for this year to end... Christy and I've drifted far apart, Karla's graduating on Thursday and for the last few months has been ditching me for Shadow. Shadow, who's also been ditching me and has lied to me a bunch of times, won't be graduating this year due to too many unexcused absences and failing too many classes. She's moving to Idaho this summer to live with her parents. Kevin's brother, Jaime, hates me... I hate him and Revan, who are now the best of friends. I hate everyone in Glendale and wish they'd all go to hell. I have a new-found heightened hatred for drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes that is so unimaginably great I'm tempted to scream at every person I know who does them and roundhouse kick them in the face.

In a nutshell, that's what happened this year.

Look at how far behind in this diary I am! How silly of me!! Well, it's not like anyone actually reads my puny little diary anyway, but that's okie.


Well, let's see........ I have a boyfriend now, named Kevin [who lives a half-hour away from me I might add >.<]. We've been together for almost 3 months and I must confess of how much I love him. No one has any idea, and I've given up trying to explain my feelings because first of all I can't... the feeling is indescribable. The things he says, the way he treats me, how understanding and patient and caring and loving and silly and cute and adorable he is, is so amazing I'm lost for words. Second is that whenever I try to, I can tell no one really believes me. They think it's "puppy love", a cute relationship and nothing more. Well fuck you all, none of you know anything really. No one can get inside my head. The thing? Kevin's in love with me too. Like, he is completely.


Let's see, what else? Karla's doing okie, I hate Paul, Shadow and Revan broke up but she's hoping they'll get back together soon, my grades are alright, the kitties are wonderful.... Life overall is good. Which is strange for me to say. lol And it's almost CHRISTMAS!!! And I get to see Kevin on Saturday and Sunday! WOOHOOO!!!!!


Other than that, there really isn't anything new going on. I'm becoming more depressed I think, but thank you to the gods Kevin's helping me and he just got off pills for being depressed this summer, so he understands. See? He's amazing.


I leave you now with some pictures

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me with my one and only, Kevin <3


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me and Shadow at school

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me and Bruce in The Cage

My kittie's name is Zima. She is freaken hardcore!! Whenever I have Cradle of Filth playing in my room she comes in and either sits next to the speakers to listen, or she lays on my bed with her eyes all squinted happily and goes to sleep. My kitten likes COF, hellz yizzle!

I think I might like Paul kinda.... But that's all I'm saying so shush.

There's a concert coming up [ I think it's the 17th ] and Steve's band is playing. I'm really looking forward to it. All I need to do now is stop off at Hot Topic and pick up the paper with all the info, which is great since Paul and I are going to the mall today. Then Sunday I'm going to The Olive Garden with Darla, Megan, and some other people. I guess they're doing it all fancy getting dressed up and stuff.... lol Then Monday's a freaken no-school day!! Sa-weet!

Our first home volleyball JV game's on Tuesday. I get to hang around the school with Christy from 2:45pm or whenever to 5pm. What we're gonna do I have no idea...

okie, not in a writing mood anymore. and it's 5:14am. g'night

First of all, I have a My Chemical Romance song stuck in my head and it won't come out -.- But it's a good song, so I'll live.
Second... my brother and I got kitties yesterday!!!! yay! My kittie is freaken ADORIBLE. She was born premature, so she's really tiny for her age. She's shiny black, very soft, with white whiskers and paws and a white line running from her neck down her tummy. Big ears, wondering green eyes, a cute little face, a high-pitched meow, and a very frisky attitude. She's awesome!
I've been thinking of naming her Blair.... The other names we've come up with for her are Autumn, Gabrielle, Shadow [ a bit overused, and Revan's gf's name is Shadow ], Midnight [ extremely overused ], Zima [ means "winter" in Russian, but I found out it's also a beer -.- ], and Kali [ kah-LEE. I love this name, it means "black/dark princess" ]. So ya... mostly choosing between Blair and Kali.

my mom's kicking me off, later

There are too many freaken people at Coronado this year. SO MANY FRESHMAN! OMG!!! *goes insane*
But I've seen so many people that I haven't seen since before summer started, like Bruce and Steve and Geli and Keith and Sammie... Got to see Paul, Revan, Brandon, and all them before school started, and briefly said a few words to Shadow and Alex. But class itself sucks monkey balls... My Chem. teacher seems mean, my French and English teachers are all bubbly, and my Geometry teacher is kinda boring, though pretty nice. Blehh, it may just be that the heat is making me more irritable than normal. Oooh! And I made JV volleyball, wohoo! Though for some reason [ I'm blaming the heat ] I haven't been too enthusiastic about playing, which is abnormal for me. To take Coach Sharp's advise, I just need to suck it up and play. Bleh


Ya.. tomorrow I'm helping Paul put eyeliner on because of this new stupid rule that guys aren't allowed to wear makeup. Haha dunno how effective they've been at enforcing the rule, seeing as how I know at least 3 guys that have been wearing makeup since the first day.
I drew a new picture using pen. It kicks ass

doo dee dooooo
School's starting on Monday, yay! Kinda pathetic that I'm excited, but that's okie. Volleyball try-outs were all this week, which was pretty fun. It only sucked on Tuesday because that morning I got a tetnis (sp?) shot and it made my arm slightly sore. But except for the seering pain in my back from all the pressure I've had to endue the last couple weeks, I'm having fun. =] Paul even came to watch me today, though Wiggins told me that he can't do that ever again. Meanie -.- My brother came too! But did she talk to him? No!!

Bleh

Dude, it's now a rule at our school that boys can't wear make-up. WTF?! They can't do that!!! First of all, it's so sexy when boys wear make-up! Second, if they say guys can't do that then they should also say that girls can't either. Roar. Karla and I are going to try and fight this!! It's discrimination against gender!! Or something....

Revan and I are talking again, and I finally get my CD that he owes me. He made a deal with me though that the CD covers all his debts to me for singing to me in public. He's making me pay $2 for it -.- I'm also getting my bracelet that I left at his house too. His gf Shadow's actually coming to Coronado for awhile this year, so I'm to look for her and she'll give me all the stuff. So yay!

HmMmMmMmMm, what else is new? Not a whole lot. Levy and I are friends again, and Brandon and I have been hanging out a lot lately. In fact, I went to see The Dukes of Hazzard with Brandon [ Fischer ], Kelsey, Brandon, and Marissa a while ago. Strange movie, but good. =]
That's about it for my lame entry. G'night

Right now I'm just confused. Matt and I broke up. Of course I'm sad, but I'm more confused than anything. We seemed so happy. We had all these plans of hanging out, taking pictures, going to concerts and the junior prom, seeing movies, me coming to watch him in marching band, meeting up at the auditorium on the first day of school... I want all that stuff back. =[

The last time I saw Matt he and I just laid down next to each other and he fell asleep while I stroked his hair and face. I went shopping with him earlier that day and met his grandparents. He seemed so happy, and I was happy. Then he calls me and breaks up with me. I'm just not sure what happened. He said I'm not mature enough and that I need more experience with boys and I agree, he is my first boyfriend therefore I don't have much experience. I just wish I knew what provoked this.... Did someone say something? Did I do something? Did he just have a sudden realization? Did he stop liking me? I don't know.

He would always tell me how happy he was with me, and how he loved that we could just sit on a bench at the mall and be so happy. And I agree. That's why I don't understand... He left for two days, and then something changed. Did he feel this way before he left? Or did someone say something? I really hope that's not the case because I ignored and disbelieved everything other people told me about him. I'm not sure.
But he just wants to be friends right now and I respect his wishes. He seems to feel that this is the right thing to do, and I respect that. Maybe it is. I just wish I understood... I wish he could explain it to me. I would have understood completely if he wanted to take things slower, hang out a little bit less, or anything like that. I just have so many unanswered questions. This doesn't make sence to me because ya I guess I am like Megan, but we were so..... bleh, I don't know. I remember he told me one time that he felt we would last a long time because he would never break up with me. I'm just so confused. Grr


Well.... I guess right now only time will tell.

I trust in Matt. I trust that no matter what my baby will come through. Somehow he'll resolve this. It sucks for me because I can't do anything since she's not my mom... But I know Matt and if he cares about me like he says he does I know he'll figure out something or say something to resolve it.



Cuz I still love him and I'm not willing to give up yet. I hope that he feels the same way. <3

WeeeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEeeeeeeeeeee

Words cannot describe what I feel for Matt. When I'm with him.... it's not even like I forget about everything else, it's that when I'm with him there is nothing else. There's no pain or loss or death or hurting or lying or anything. It's just him and me, and he makes he feel so good. I don't have to pretend AT ALL when I'm with him. It's so refreshing to be with someone who actually makes me feel good about myself. =D


Well, we saw Sky High today which was better than I had originally anticipated. And seeing it with Matt made it that much better ^.^ Blehhh, I don't even know what to write.... I've just been sooooo HAPPY lately it's amazing!!!!! I haven't felt this amount of happiness in.... gosh...... 4 years. WOOHOO!!!!


It occured to me after we dropped off Matt from making a trip to Arby's just how much I care about him. It's like... BAH!!!! It's like I want to be there for him always, and I never want to see him hurt. I think I made him feel bad tonight.... We were talking about sex and stuff and well.... It hurt me so much to think that I hurt him or said something I shouldn't have, or said something in such a way to make him feel bad. =[ It's okie that he has a past, I do too. I love him no matter what <3


meep.... I'm being too quiet on the phone. I'll end the entry here :)

Okie dokie....
Mom and dad are allowing me and Matt to be boyfriend and girlfriend. Sa-weeet!!! :D Matt and I walked around the Pavillions last night on our first date (woo!) and ya... Dad likes Matt too ^.^ Yay! We basically just walked around, went into Target and McDonalds and stuff while having our arms around each other the whole time. Then we sat on the grass and talked and talked and talked and it was great. We talked about everything. And we made out a little.... ^.~
And and!!! While we were in Fiddlesticks playing the arcade, Matt told me..... he loves me. It caught me so off guard. I mean, ya he told me that he had something to say but.... sheesh!!! I smiled and kissed him and then realized... I think I love him too. Like, really.




So ya, YAY!!!! I can't think of anything I don't like about him. And while this is just begging to blow up in my face and have everything suddenly go terrible awry (sp?) I DON'T CAREEEEEEEEEeEEEEE! hah!


Okie, I'm done... =D

Okie okie okie okie okieeeeeeeee OKEIEIEIEIERSOFJAKSHFKDHF

PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Matt's thee fuckin' greatest guy in the entire world. Omg omg omg omg omgggg!!!1!!!1!!! I've been hurt, crushed, threatened, intimidated, lied to (multiple times), cheated on (if you count it literally), used, and maniplulated long enough. I love Matt. I don't want to say that because it may result in my complete and total destruction. But ya know what? I don't care.
I can't believe it. I met someone who cares about me and will actually listen to my problems on a deep, emotional level. He wants to help me. Actually help ME get over things.
He called me sweetie ^.^
But but!!! Matt is soooo great from what I can tell. I can't believe I found him. And he's right.... if he makes me happy then screw all else. I'm gonna throw myself into his arms and know that he'll catch me. And if something should happen, then at least I had that incredible bliss of a time when I had him.

Ya, seriously..... I want to *punch* him sometimes because he makes me smile so damn much. He's incredible. I can only hope that I can give him the same kind of love, security, hope, safety, and happiness that he gives me. I don't care that my mom and dad say I can't date. Damnit, I'm Matt's girlfriend. And I don't care if I'm only 15 and therefore "don't know what love is". This is NOT some puppy-dog love. He makes me feel so good, like nothing bad will ever happen to me again and if it should so happen he'll stop it right in its tracks and beat it down.
I've never felt this way when with a guy. I really can't phantom why he cares so much about me as well....


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My boyfriend is the fucking BEST in the world
<3

Just a quick entry to say..... Matt told me he thinks he may be falling in love with me.

Wanna know something? I've been hurt like hell in the past by stupid guys, but I think I feel the same way for him...

Matt,

Levy (Matt L.) still hasn't talked to me at all since Saturday night when I told him that Matt and I are together. It's getting kind of pointless, because I don't really care if he calls me or not. If he thinks he's punishing me, he isn't. Ya he's my friend and all but he had no right to be that pissed at me. He has a girlfriend, he's had sex with her. And all through that whole ordeal I was supportive and listened to him and told him how happy I was that he found her. But can Levy do that for me? Can he suck up whatever jealousy he may have and be my friend? Can he even have the decensy to call me and say he overreated and that he shouldn't have hung up on me? No. He can have a girlfriend and do things with her, but I can't have a boyfriend. Okie, Levy....


Matt and I went to the mall last night. It rocked. Mostly we just walked around in cirlces, holding hands or hugging the other close by the waist. We talked too, and went to the store he works at and played some games. He won, of course. Which was not nice -.- lol But the cool thing was that when we kissed and his tongue entered my mouth (okie, a little graphic) I actually felt something. Some happiness to be with him. With Revan it felt wrong and I was always intimidated by him, with Levy I liked him but I guess only as a friend so I didn't like it as much. But with Matt it was like... woah, this is the way a kiss should be like. hehe


Umm, that's it pretty much. LEAVE ME COMMENTS CUZ YOU LOVE ME!!! :)

Okie, last night was amazingggggggggg. First of all I hung out with Karla today which rocked. My first time kissing a girl and I really liked it. :] hehe She's so cute... Anyway, then we decided to go to the mall and who do we find working at Game Crazy? MATT ROWLAND!!! Woo! We must have stayed in that game store for an hour, and Matt kept talking to me and staring at me... Then he finally came over to me and asked if he could have my number. ^.^
Then then then!! He asked me if we could catch a movie together after he was done working at 8pm. Heck yes!!! My first date! So Karla made plans with her boyfriend/fiance and his friend to take us to the movies and I told Matt I'd meet him near Harkins. I had to lie to my mom a little... saying that I was going to a movie with Karla, which wasn't exactly a lie seeing as how Karla WAS there and all... I just "forgot" to mention that there would also be 3 boys with us, one of which was taking me out on a date. !!!!!!!

So okie, we get into the movie Batman Begins and sit down. From the far left isle it goes Matt, me, Karla, Kendrick (Karla's boyfriend/fiance person), and Brian (Kendrick's friend.) A little ways into the movie Matt lifted up the cup holder thing separating us and he held my hand. OMG!!! :D That was what he did the entire movie, just holding my hand, stroking my arm, laying his head on my shoulder. His hair smelled really pretty.... like strawberries, which suits his strawberry-ish blonde hair.
Then he started kissing me. On my forehead, the top of my hand, my shoulder, and finally we made out a little. Oh god, I'm turing into such a kissing whore. lol But it was soooo great!! We whispered stuff to each other on and off through the movie, like how he's liked me for a long time and how happy he was to finally be on a date with me, and how I've liked him since the first day we met wayyy back when 9th grade first started. He had also apparently seen Batman Begins four other times, but it was okie just as long as he was with me. All together now, AWWWWWWWWWWWWWEEE ^.^
That was when he asked "The Question"; "would you be my girlfriend?" After some thought, since I'm really not allowed to date, I said..... YES! YAY!!! He said that it was okie that I'm not allowed to date yet, we'll just keep it quiet for now and he'll wait till next year when I'm 16 because I'm worth it. :D He's the greatest!!! When the movie was over he held my hand till the lobby and then held me tight in his arms and kissed me. hehehehehhhe I'm almost giddy!!! MATT'S MY BOYFRIEND!!!!!!!! And he's a really really fucking sweet guy, so if I do bring it up to my mom that I want to date him I'm sure once she meets him she'll love him too. I'm just worried about when school starts back up, what will he and I do? oh well


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My first real, true boyfriend. YAY!!!

Mom bought a book a few days ago. It's called "Reviving Ophelia; Saving the Self of Adolesent Girls" or something close to that. I can't be bothered in getting up to get the book to check for the actual title, you see.
Ophelia was one of the characters in Hamlet. She loves him to death but because he's too preoccupied in avenging his father's death he basically tells her to shove off, striving her to become so adorned with sadness she drowns herself. Neat, huh? The book's mainly about that; saving adolesent girls from going crazy with things that tear them up inside. At least that's my interpretation.
It has chapters like "Sex and Violence", "Drugs and Alcohol", "Depression", "Worshipping the Gods of Thinness" and stuff like that. I read through some of the book and told my mom which ones she should read because they sound like me. I recall telling her chapters 8 and 9 are the ones to look through, "Depression" and "Worshipping the Gods of Thinness." Yes, that's the actual name of the chapter.
My mom said she wants to understand what I'm going through so that she can help me and we can communicate better. I just want her to understand that I need help. Like... clinical, therapist maybe, counselor, special happy pills, anything to help make the pain inside go away. God I FUCKING WANT TO CUT, DAMNITttTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT. BUT I PROMISED LEVY I WOULDN'T AND NOW LOOK WHAT I DID. I CAN'T COPE WITH ANYTHINGGGGGGGGGG FUCKERRR

Actually, even with cutting I still don't think I'd be able to handle everything. The problem is I can't talk about everything that's wrong with me. Not in here, not to my mom, or even a therapist/counselor. I mean, I can't, like not allowed isn't able tied to a chair threatened can't. I don't know why I think a trained professional can help me when I physically and emotionally am not able to explain everything, I just am kinda slipping away and if I don't do something now I'm seriously considering doing something drastic. Like what I'm not really sure, but something. Anything. Just to make everything stop hurting...

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My birthday's on Friday. It's strange, but I'm not really looking forward to my birthday this year. Then again I wasn't looking forward to it last year either.... But I'm apathetic almost. I don't care whether it comes or not, I just don't know why I feel so weird. It's like there's this cold feud of not knowing whether to be scared and cry or happy and joyous about a new year past in my life. Whenever I think about my life, or Matt, or Revan, my heart stops dead in its tracks and becomes ice and tingly inside my chest. Like it's frozen in place and the shards of glass are poking at my internal organs as I struggle to regain a normal state of mind.

Had another panic attack last night. It sucked... I was looking at a picture of Matt.

Going to hang out with Matt at the mall again on Saturday for my birthday. That should be fun, hopefully we don't get made fun of this time. We might also see Fantastic 4 which just came out.

Called my dad's boss's wife today, Ekatarina. She's Russian and I guess my dad told his boss about me learning Russian and he told his wife and she wanted to talk to me. It was only about a 5 minute conversation. She said "Hello, how are you?" in Russian and my mind froze and I blanked out. I knew how to respond, but I was too shy to talk. Then she asked why I was learning Russian, I wanted to know what "снова" and "слова" meant, and then she said if I ever needed help with Russian I could always call. Yay. She was adorable too, like she herself was shy and nervous to be talking to me on the phone.

OoooOOoo I have a girlfriend! I feel kinda weird about it because I'm still with Allan, but I've been thinking about breaking up with him. He hasn't called me in 4 weeks at least, the last time we talked I had to call him, which I'm not supposed to do because it costs hella lot of money. But I've been feeling distant from him, I've never seen him! Tell me what kind of a relationship is that? I feel that we should break up, but if we were really meant to be together like we think we'll meet up someday and be together. But for now I don't want to hold him back from liking someone closer to him and I too don't want to be held back. I just hope he understands.... I still love him to pieces, he's my baby, but it's just not working.

So yip, woo

Levy lied to me again. Third or fourth time he's promised not to smoke or do drugs. Each time he promises he breaks them. He told me in the beginning that he's a man of his word and he never wants to hurt me. So far, he hasn't proved either of these things to me. He said he was stressed about his decision between who he wants more, me or Christy. That's not fair though. I promised him that if he stopped doing all that smoking and shit I'd stop cutting myself. Until today I kept my word because I trusted him. But today he was on the phone with me and he started having smokers cough and told me that he was about to have his third cigarette today.

I'm pissed.
Bitch.

So yeah, I cut myself after hanging up with him. Not only out of spite for having my best friend break his promise to me YET AGAIN, but also because I too am stressed about stuff. It's okay that he took away my way of dealing with problems, but the second he has a dilema he can whip out the smokes and lights 'em up. No.

So yeah, I finally accept that you can't trust anyone. Even your closest of friends.

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one day a little girl named Lacy
found lime+strawberry Gatorade in the fridge
she became happy
she drank some of it
awhile later she went back to the little fridge
it was gone!!
her Gatorade was gone!!
she couldn't find it!!
she asked her little brother
where did it go?
he said he drank it!!
Lacy got sad


the end

one day a little girl named Lacy
found lime+strawberry Gatorade in the fridge
she became happy
she drank some of it
awhile later she went back to the little fridge
it was gone!!
her Gatorade was gone!!
she couldn't find it!!
she asked her little brother
where did it go?
he said he drank it!!
Lacy got sad


the end