this will probably be the last post here and i will delete the journal in a few days so I hope you read it before then.

No you were never supposed to read this...at least not for a few months yet and the reasons should be obvious. Most of the views put forward in the posts below are exagerations of how I feel at my worst. They are mostly written at stupid times in the morning when I was drugged up and mostly asleep. As to why I never said these things aloud....well just the fact that you have to ask that shows that you dont understand me. I cant say these things. I couldnt and havent "said" these things aloud to anybody..at all. I am not capable of that. I have enough problems confroting myself about things let alone anybody else. However that is no excuse and I know it. I know I should have said something yet I didnt. However I will try to explain here how i felt.

I couldnt confront you about any of this for fear of undoing all the work that annie and others had done. I know you were trying your best and seeking help. This is why I couldnt tell you. As you said if you knew that anybody had felt that way (even for a while) then why should you bother. This was the exact reason why I didnt say anything. If you had known that during the dark moments I thought that way would you have bothered? I dont know whether just one persons depressed feelings would tip you over the edge and I wasnt prepared to find out. I wouldnt do that to you. You knew at least a bit how i felt at times. You must have done after that havoc.

The truth is that I cannot relate to very many people. There are three that I can think of and you only know one of them. To these people only can I say how I trully feel. Its not just that. I have been trying to work up the courage to tell you how I felt. I was trying to find the right words. SO to stop me from saying the wrong things I wrote the worst. I this way could I save myself from blurting out in front of others and from fucking up in other more violent ways. It was a release that only 2 other people knew about and was supposed to stay that way (even though I knew this day would come I hoped to have more time) as you know Annie knew cos I cant seem to hide anything from her. Chris also knew cos he found out (walked in while I was typing) these are all and noone else was supposed to find out.

This journal only contained the worst of feelings...things i couldnt say. I suppose it could read that these are my only feelings but i hope you know me better than that. Everything else was said aloud. How you have seen me up to this point is my normall feelings. The few things that I have said aloud or posted on other peoples journals are true. I wouldnt bullshit about this. However as I have said I needed somewhere to write the worst of everything. Almost all of these posts were written originally at around 4 o clock in the morning. At the times when i am alone in the dark and feeling like shit.

I am trully sorry and fully aware that I fucked up. I hope you have read this in the spirit that it is meant that the journal was written to stop a worse scenario from happening. If all had gone right (which it never does) these black time feelings would have been consigned to history where they belong and would have never seen the light of day....this didnt happen and to a certain extent I am glad that you read it and now know how I feel at my worst. The mere fact that you have read this means that most of them will go....oh and for your information this isnt the only journal like this its just the only one anybody knew about. The others have been closed and this one will as well. I will try to express my feelings about people to them however I cannot promise anything. Sorry for the distress that this has caused but please see that it was done to avoid more distress to even more people.

journal ends......a new beginning