How to make a madcat_42

Ingredients: 3 parts success 3 parts courage 1 part leadership

Method: Add to a cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Serve with a slice of wisdom and a pinch of salt. Yum!

Это цитата сообщения MadCat_42 Оригинальное сообщение

me not sayin and before anyone asks it doesnt involve twins....tis good though and me happy

Wake up in pain like normal. Lie around in bed for an hour or so then get forced to get up and wash and eat and dress and stuff....after that lie on bed and read till lunch or till good awfull chores turn up like trying to lift heavy stuff into the attic....eat lunch while being in pain from lifting.....repeat earlier sequence till i guess people will be online......discover noone is online then get kicked off computer....eat supper look bored goto bed....repeat substituting deep and meaningful conversations with parents on my life and future and wot i did wrong.

Nothing to do, nowhere to go and no-one to speak to.....im soooooo bored and cant wait to get back to the nut house....already miss everyone there and my parents talk as if i am leaving guildford and coming home.....at least my mum may have realised that getting me out of guildford may require an army or two. Everyone at home has decided they know whats wrong with me and they all want to give me advice....seeing as they dont know any of the history id like to see how they came up with their conclusions but there we go. got my shrink tomorrow and a careers advisor on thursday....would have been nice to see people tomorrow but the bastards are all at work so i will have to settle with bugging danny :)
ne-way ill stop bitchin at this and will see everyone on thursday if im not forced to stay longer

byesy bye

Catch me as I fall
Say you're here and it's all over now
Speaking to the atmosphere
No one's here and I fall into myself

This truth drives me
Into madness

I know I can stop the pain
If I will it all away

Don't turn away
(Don't give in to the pain)
Don't try to hide
(Though they're screaming your name)
Don't close your eyes
(God knows what lies behind them)
Don't turn out the light
(Never sleep never die)

I'm frightened by what I see
But somehow I know
That there's much more to come
Immobilized by my fear
And soon to be
Blinded by tears
I can stop the pain
If I will it all away

Don't turn away
(Don't give in to the pain)
Don't try to hide
(Though they're screaming your name)
Don't close your eyes
(God knows what lies behind them)
Don't turn out the light
(Never sleep never die)

Fallen angels at my feet
Whispered voices at my ear
Death before my eyes
Lying next to me I fear
She beckons me
Shall I give in
Upon my end shall I begin
Forsaking all I've fallen for
I rise to meet my end

Don't turn away
(Don't give in to the pain)
Don't try to hide
(Though they're screaming your name)
Don't close your eyes
(God knows what lies behind them)
Don't turn out the light
(Never sleep never die)

I cant know if what i said hurt people. I hope not. I lose concentration and snap at things. If it didnt matter then ignore this if it did then im sorry.

bored stressed and worried...as such i will post a bunch of silliness in a vague attempt to get my mind off things. not gonna work but the trick is to laugh.

http://poisonedminds.com/d/20001013.html

http://www.krazylarry.com/d/19990320.html

http://www.krazylarry.com/d/19991125.html

http://www.krazylarry.com/d/19991209.html

http://www.krazylarry.com/d/19991216.html

http://www.krazylarry.com/d/20000405.html

http://www.krazylarry.com/d/20000411.html

http://www.krazylarry.com/d/20000412.html

http://www.krazylarry.com/d/20000522.html

http://www.krazylarry.com/d/20000524.html

this will probably be the last post here and i will delete the journal in a few days so I hope you read it before then.

No you were never supposed to read this...at least not for a few months yet and the reasons should be obvious. Most of the views put forward in the posts below are exagerations of how I feel at my worst. They are mostly written at stupid times in the morning when I was drugged up and mostly asleep. As to why I never said these things aloud....well just the fact that you have to ask that shows that you dont understand me. I cant say these things. I couldnt and havent "said" these things aloud to anybody..at all. I am not capable of that. I have enough problems confroting myself about things let alone anybody else. However that is no excuse and I know it. I know I should have said something yet I didnt. However I will try to explain here how i felt.

I couldnt confront you about any of this for fear of undoing all the work that annie and others had done. I know you were trying your best and seeking help. This is why I couldnt tell you. As you said if you knew that anybody had felt that way (even for a while) then why should you bother. This was the exact reason why I didnt say anything. If you had known that during the dark moments I thought that way would you have bothered? I dont know whether just one persons depressed feelings would tip you over the edge and I wasnt prepared to find out. I wouldnt do that to you. You knew at least a bit how i felt at times. You must have done after that havoc.

The truth is that I cannot relate to very many people. There are three that I can think of and you only know one of them. To these people only can I say how I trully feel. Its not just that. I have been trying to work up the courage to tell you how I felt. I was trying to find the right words. SO to stop me from saying the wrong things I wrote the worst. I this way could I save myself from blurting out in front of others and from fucking up in other more violent ways. It was a release that only 2 other people knew about and was supposed to stay that way (even though I knew this day would come I hoped to have more time) as you know Annie knew cos I cant seem to hide anything from her. Chris also knew cos he found out (walked in while I was typing) these are all and noone else was supposed to find out.

This journal only contained the worst of feelings...things i couldnt say. I suppose it could read that these are my only feelings but i hope you know me better than that. Everything else was said aloud. How you have seen me up to this point is my normall feelings. The few things that I have said aloud or posted on other peoples journals are true. I wouldnt bullshit about this. However as I have said I needed somewhere to write the worst of everything. Almost all of these posts were written originally at around 4 o clock in the morning. At the times when i am alone in the dark and feeling like shit.

I am trully sorry and fully aware that I fucked up. I hope you have read this in the spirit that it is meant that the journal was written to stop a worse scenario from happening. If all had gone right (which it never does) these black time feelings would have been consigned to history where they belong and would have never seen the light of day....this didnt happen and to a certain extent I am glad that you read it and now know how I feel at my worst. The mere fact that you have read this means that most of them will go....oh and for your information this isnt the only journal like this its just the only one anybody knew about. The others have been closed and this one will as well. I will try to express my feelings about people to them however I cannot promise anything. Sorry for the distress that this has caused but please see that it was done to avoid more distress to even more people.

journal ends......a new beginning