Dave Barry, "stay fit and healthy until you're dead"
24-01-2004 07:56
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Four Reasons Why You Must
Get Fit Immediately
1. YOU OWE IT TO YOUR COUNTRY. You can bet that the enemies of
your country are fit. People in Communist nations are on a strict fitness
program of waiting in line a lot and darting their eyes about nervously. We,
too, must be fit, in case these Communists invade us. We must be ready to
fight them in the streets and the alleys. The problem is that many of you have
eaten so many Enormous Economy Size bags of corn chips and so much bean
dip that you probably couldn't fit into the alleys without the aid of powerful
hydraulic devices. So you'd have to fight them in the streets, where you'd be
easy prey for their blimp-seeking missiles.
2. YOU OWE IT TO YOUR CAREER. In the old days, your successful
business executive was generally a spectacular tub of lard who had to be
transported from business deal to business deal via private railroad car. But
today's top executives are lean, sleek, and fit. They eat nutritionally balanced
meals, run ten miles every day, play tennis and racquetball, and work out regularly
on Nautilus machines. Consequently, they have no time whatsoever for their
work. Many of them don't even know where their offices are. This is why the
entire U.S. economy is now manufactured in Japan.
3. YOU OWE IT TO YOUR SELF-ESTEEM. There is no feeling in the world
quite as wonderful as the feeling of being physically fit, except the feeling
of eating pepperoni pizza. No! Wait! Disregard that last remark! What I'm
trying to say is, when you become fit, everything about you changes. You have
to buy new pants, for example. And you develop a whole new attitude about
yourself. Instead of constantly thinking, "I am pasty and flabby and
disgusting and nobody likes me," you think, "People like me now, but only as
long as I can keep from becoming pasty and flabby and disgusting again. I wish
I had a pepperoni pizza."
4. YOU OWE IT TO YOUR FUTURE. There's nothing like regular, vigorous
exercise to prepare you for the pain you'll inevitably have to endure when you
get older. Let's say you're in your mid-20s to mid-30s. Most of the time you
feel pretty good, right? The only time you feel lousy is when you ingest huge
quantities of alcohol and wake up the next day in an unfamiliar city naked
with unexplained chest wounds. But as you grow older, you're going to start
feeling more aches and pains caused by the inevitable afflictions of age, such
as the Social Security Administration, condescending denture adhesive
commercials, and your children.
People who exercise regularly are prepared for this pain. Take joggers:
you see them plodding along, clearly hating every minute of it, and you think,
"What's the point?" But years from now, when you're struggling to adjust to
the pains of the aging process, the joggers, who have been in constant agony
for 20 years, will be able to make the transition smoothly, unless they're
already dead (see Chapter 12, under "Fitness and the Afterlife").
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Four Reasons Why You Must
Get Fit Immediately
1. YOU OWE IT TO YOUR COUNTRY. You can bet that the enemies of
your country are fit. People in Communist nations are on a strict fitness
program of waiting in line a lot and darting their eyes about nervously. We,
too, must be fit, in case these Communists invade us. We must be ready to
fight them in the streets and the alleys. The problem is that many of you have
eaten so many Enormous Economy Size bags of corn chips and so much bean
dip that you probably couldn't fit into the alleys without the aid of powerful
hydraulic devices. So you'd have to fight them in the streets, where you'd be
easy prey for their blimp-seeking missiles.
2. YOU OWE IT TO YOUR CAREER. In the old days, your successful
business executive was generally a spectacular tub of lard who had to be
transported from business deal to business deal via private railroad car. But
today's top executives are lean, sleek, and fit. They eat nutritionally balanced
meals, run ten miles every day, play tennis and racquetball, and work out regularly
on Nautilus machines. Consequently, they have no time whatsoever for their
work. Many of them don't even know where their offices are. This is why the
entire U.S. economy is now manufactured in Japan.
3. YOU OWE IT TO YOUR SELF-ESTEEM. There is no feeling in the world
quite as wonderful as the feeling of being physically fit, except the feeling
of eating pepperoni pizza. No! Wait! Disregard that last remark! What I'm
trying to say is, when you become fit, everything about you changes. You have
to buy new pants, for example. And you develop a whole new attitude about
yourself. Instead of constantly thinking, "I am pasty and flabby and
disgusting and nobody likes me," you think, "People like me now, but only as
long as I can keep from becoming pasty and flabby and disgusting again. I wish
I had a pepperoni pizza."
4. YOU OWE IT TO YOUR FUTURE. There's nothing like regular, vigorous
exercise to prepare you for the pain you'll inevitably have to endure when you
get older. Let's say you're in your mid-20s to mid-30s. Most of the time you
feel pretty good, right? The only time you feel lousy is when you ingest huge
quantities of alcohol and wake up the next day in an unfamiliar city naked
with unexplained chest wounds. But as you grow older, you're going to start
feeling more aches and pains caused by the inevitable afflictions of age, such
as the Social Security Administration, condescending denture adhesive
commercials, and your children.
People who exercise regularly are prepared for this pain. Take joggers:
you see them plodding along, clearly hating every minute of it, and you think,
"What's the point?" But years from now, when you're struggling to adjust to
the pains of the aging process, the joggers, who have been in constant agony
for 20 years, will be able to make the transition smoothly, unless they're
already dead (see Chapter 12, under "Fitness and the Afterlife").
Комментарии (2):
ААААААААААА!!!!
всё, уговорил...
надо-надо-надо...
знаю-знаю!
кто бы пнул...
для первого шага.. а потом...))
LI 3.9.25
всё, уговорил...
надо-надо-надо...
знаю-знаю!
кто бы пнул...
для первого шага.. а потом...))
One of the most exciting aspects of getting into fitness is that you get to wear modern fitness-oriented clothing, clothing that makes a statement to the world around you. "Look," it states, "I have purchased some fitness-oriented clothing."
Up until about 15 years ago, the only fitness clothing available for men was the plain grey sweat suit, which we fitness experts now recognize as totally inadequate in terms of retail markup. Fitness wear for females consisted of those high-school gym outfits
colored Digestive Enzyme Green; there was no fitness clothing available at all for adult women, because the only forms of
exercise deemed appropriate for them were labor and driving
station wagons.
As the fitness craze developed, however, all kinds of "active sportswear" became available from famous designers who think nothing of putting their names on your clothing, but who would have the servants set the dogs on you if you ever tried to put your name on their clothing. Today it's not uncommon for people to wear their active sportswear to the shopping mall, to work, to
the opera, to state funerals, etc. Recently, an attorney argued a
major case before the U.S. Supreme Court while wearing a puce
jogging outfit! The justices didn't seem to mind at all, although
this could also have been partly because they had fallen asleep.
The point is, you want to choose your fitness-program clothing
carefully because chances are you'll be wearing it to do much more
than just exercise. In fact, you'll probably be wearing it to do
everything but exercise, since there is growing medical evidence
that exercise can make you tired and sweaty, as we'll see in later chapters.
The Basic Fitness Fashion Look for Women
This is, of course, the leotard and tights, which is the preferred
outfit because it shows every bodily flaw a woman has, no matter
how minute, so that a woman who, disguised in her street clothes,
looks like Victoria Principal will, when she puts on her leotard,
transform herself into Bertha the Amazing Land Whale. This
encourages her to exercise vigorously and watch what she eats. She cannot, of course, drink anything, as there is no way to go to
the bathroom in a leotard and tights.
Many a woman who suffers an exercise-related injury during an
aerobic workout is forced to lie in great pain for hours on her
exercise mat, trapped, while frustrated rescue personnel wait for the
helicopter to bring the various specialized torches, saws, and other
equipment they need to free her from her tights and leotard so they
can render medical treatment
Up until about 15 years ago, the only fitness clothing available for men was the plain grey sweat suit, which we fitness experts now recognize as totally inadequate in terms of retail markup. Fitness wear for females consisted of those high-school gym outfits
colored Digestive Enzyme Green; there was no fitness clothing available at all for adult women, because the only forms of
exercise deemed appropriate for them were labor and driving
station wagons.
As the fitness craze developed, however, all kinds of "active sportswear" became available from famous designers who think nothing of putting their names on your clothing, but who would have the servants set the dogs on you if you ever tried to put your name on their clothing. Today it's not uncommon for people to wear their active sportswear to the shopping mall, to work, to
the opera, to state funerals, etc. Recently, an attorney argued a
major case before the U.S. Supreme Court while wearing a puce
jogging outfit! The justices didn't seem to mind at all, although
this could also have been partly because they had fallen asleep.
The point is, you want to choose your fitness-program clothing
carefully because chances are you'll be wearing it to do much more
than just exercise. In fact, you'll probably be wearing it to do
everything but exercise, since there is growing medical evidence
that exercise can make you tired and sweaty, as we'll see in later chapters.
The Basic Fitness Fashion Look for Women
This is, of course, the leotard and tights, which is the preferred
outfit because it shows every bodily flaw a woman has, no matter
how minute, so that a woman who, disguised in her street clothes,
looks like Victoria Principal will, when she puts on her leotard,
transform herself into Bertha the Amazing Land Whale. This
encourages her to exercise vigorously and watch what she eats. She cannot, of course, drink anything, as there is no way to go to
the bathroom in a leotard and tights.
Many a woman who suffers an exercise-related injury during an
aerobic workout is forced to lie in great pain for hours on her
exercise mat, trapped, while frustrated rescue personnel wait for the
helicopter to bring the various specialized torches, saws, and other
equipment they need to free her from her tights and leotard so they
can render medical treatment
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