At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later
discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying
to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor,
a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft
said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra
movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons
of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said.
"They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and
sometimes go off on tangents in a search of аbsоlute value. They
use secret code names like "x"and "y" and refer to themselves as
"unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a common
denominator of the axis of mediеvаl with coordinates in every
country. "As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are
3 sides to every triangle," Ashcroft declared.

When asked to comment o the arrest, President Bush said, "If God
had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would
have given us more fingers and toes. "I am gratified that our government
has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these
math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard.
Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence,"
the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we must
differentiate their root, make our point,and draw the line." President
Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential
to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen
unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in
random facts of vertex."

Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, read
my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though they
continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse
tightens around their necks."