Where do you feel like at home, guys? Do you have a place, where you are really safe? Do you have a castle that protects you from everything you want to avoid? And do you have your real family? And have you ever had a feeling, that walls of your castle, your home are suffocating you? I did.
My home is my chapel for most of time. But there are days that transform it into a prison. Spiders crawl to my door; snakes are trying to get out of my closet… And then I want to escape somewhere. But I can’t. I just can sit in the corner, trying to look everything that scares me right in the eyes. I can bite my lips for eternity. But I can’t scream, I can’t get out of my cage. And when my bright, noisy room finally turns into a dark, scary dungeon I see him. He talks to me until I understand how miserable I am and start crying.
Have you ever tried to hold back your tears in the face of pure evil? Evil that lives inside of you and eats all that you have under your skin? I tried… And I succeeded a couple of times. He lets you go in a while. He does not like to waste his precious time on such bastards as me. He does not like ones, who try to be strong.
And he leaves. Leaves me in the room that immediately becomes my home again. Leaves me lying on the floor, totally emptied. And believe me, I find power to get on my feet. I find power to reach the window and breathe deeply. Have you ever felt the smell of mustiness in the summer evening? I had…
And it is all because I had carelessness to let him in once. And now I know that he will never leave me. He will live in my mind, in my heart, in my flesh and bones for eternity. Nothing will save me, besides of myself. Wish me luck, please. I will need it, believe me; I will need loads of it…