I experienced a very special momet yesterday. I was going to stay at home to get better. But Tatyana called me and I decided to go to children house to see her. We spent much time together with her and others. I sat on a bench and heard a cry. Tatyana was away at that moment. And I stood up and went to see what happened. I found a cute little girl in blue dress crying and another two who tried to comfort her. I just took her little-little hand and carressed her, spoke to her and she stopped crying. And something turned in me. It was like a small local wonder. Then Maribeth called me. We talked and everything was ok untill she asked Tatyana if she saw her relatives last time. What a pain was in her voice when she answered, pain and hatred and offend "They forgot me. And I forgot them". My girl turned in alient. I never saw her talking like this. She was frozen with one memory. That was really killing to understand that each of those children have the same very cold place in their souls, a thought that they are forgotten and nobody need them. But in a minute she was smiling again like nothing happened.
We went inside, set on a sofa and chatted like teens, like equal. Then other children joint us. And one of them, Julia sat near me. I embraced her and started to carress her hair, her back, her hands. And she carressed me. Tatyana was naughty, tried to turn my attention, but I could not stop holding Julia. They went for dinner and Julia asked me, please, don't go. And I answered with a some special intonation, so intimate and strange that can be only between mother and child, and so confident that make both believe, "I will be there, go. I will wait". And she returned to me and embraced. I was going to quit in 15 minutes, but I stayed for 15 minutes, then for half an hour, then more. We sat and watched TV. I carressed her, she held a kitten. And I felt like we were family. And I could sit all my life like this, with her in my arms. But it was time to go. They all rushed to me and kissed and embraced and went to walk me to the door. Only Tatyana ran away. I kissed Julia good bye and closed the door with breaking heart then called Tatyana.
"Are you jealous to Julia?" - I asked. "No". "There is someone to love you, but nobody to love her". She became very quiet in my arms, then holded me closer to her. I kissed her and wispered tender words and we stood for a long time. She walked me to the gate and we holded hands from different sides not able to say final good bye. At last I released her tender fingers from mine and hurried away. Tears were running down my face. There I left something very important. I left my child and my feeling of home. Julia took my heart like you did once. It was as sudden and as long-lasting.
I will count days to Saturday to see her again. I will stand Tatyana's jealousy, her attempts to get my attention. But will I stand Julia's love to me? Will I stand that if she gets used to me and I will have to quit her? I will not be able to be a friend for her like I did with Tatyana and Vika, only a mother.
Sorry, it is a sad story, yet so warm in my heart and so important. Once my Mom said that if I go to children house there would be a moment when I feel unbearable pain or when I close my heart and become cynical. I could not believe her. But the moment came. And I can't close my heart.