Actually I am not sure.  I am drunk and I should confess that I do not know whether I really want her back.  On one hand, yes, I do want to have that lovely lady with her very specifil way of impression, passion and lovelyness, on another I do not want to have anything in common with that selfish, spoiled and strange girl.  I do not know why unexpectedly I decided to write my thoughts in English, but that might be a tribute to those years which I lived in love where the only language of communication was English.

She blamed, critisized and was unwilling to accept anything I developed in myself through years of experience and knowledge and that is something I could let to be, but seems never going to be compromised to.  I can not fly in my mind and reasoning like long years ago, but still I understand she is tortured these days and very obviously she would love to come to peace, but I cut any possible way for her and myself to revert.  Today she went couple of times in front of my window what never happened before and came up to the coffee-tea station next to my office, and though she did not dare to look in my window her closest friend did so trying to escape my look.  I do not feel OK and I am not sure how to behave.  I did unblock her in my MSN for very short period of time and then block again.  It is rather time to resolve it and understand that I am not going to be a part of her furniture or consumables.  I hate myself to be sort of distorted in my personality, but I can not find any other way to survive or exist in our with her world.

I go to sleep very uncomfortable with existance and very sick perception.  Her image distorted my sleep yesterday and looks going to do the same this night.

PN