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Gonna start a new life Monday. Tired to be sick, frustrated, lost and hurt. I am totally over him and I really mean it this time. I am too much for him. Sometimes it seems that I am too much even for myself. I am so totally different sometimes and I am scaring myself.
I was thinking today. A lot. No man will ever understand a woman, no woman ever understand a man. They look at us, they like us, love us, f.. us, but the thing that I can't except about them is that they don't listen to us, don't hear us at all. The convesation is impossible. They are just looking and thinking their own dirty stuff while u are breaking your heart telling them the story of your life. Come on! And then in 2-3 days they are ascking stuff that U already told them and u feel really miserable at the moment. That's how it is. May be I am not experienced enough, but through my experience I can say that they see us as nannys, fuckable friends or dolls.
We can't understad them, cause they seem to be too stupid and selfish and too perverts. They think about sex every 10 minutes, like there is no anything better in the world. But between these 10 minutes they think about something else, that we don't know and can't guess. Between every 10 minutes they are able to have real feelings, they can even become persons. And we don't see that, because they hide that thoughts. Everything that is outside is their fucking desires.
Why can't we be even? I am so tired of that social games. I am not a good player and I am a rule breaker. Monday I'm gonna live only fo myself like in old good times. Will find a second job, go to the gym, start learning spanish. That's what i want. That's gonna be cool.
I don't fucking care about them anymore, especially about Him

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Don't know, how to describe everything that happened to me in last 2 weeks. The only thing I feel is pain...
It's the story of loneliness of two people. Two human beings so alike, that they just can't be together for a lonhg time, but apart feel that something is missing in their fucking stupid lifes.
His name is Kemal and hi is a boxer. A good fighter, nice person, who was hurt by different people, stupid friend, because he really is.
Why even did he come up to me on that fucking metro station. He liked the colour of my hair and since that he tries to like everything else. And he tries to hurt me too. Supposed to be a strong man, but he is not. He is fucking week or sick, watever. And I feel sorry for him.

Люди, появляясь среди себе подобных, уже не только не стремятца выглядеть красивыми, но не стремятца даже что-то предпринять, чтобы не виглядеть уродливыми!
Когда в конце концов натиск етого уродства станет совсем невыносимим, она купит в цветочном магазине незабудку, одну единственную незабудку, хрупкии стебелек с миниатюрним голубим венцом, выидет с нею на улицу и будет держать перед собои, судорожно впиваиясь в нее взглядом, чтобы видеть лишь ету единственную прекрасную голубую точку, чтобы видеть ее, как то последнее, что еи хочетца оставить для себя и своих глаз от мира, который перестала любить.
Вот такое вот на сегодня настроение. Такое настроение бивает всякий раз, когда меня незаслуженно обижают, говорят обо мне то, что ко мне не относитца, скривая за етими словами смисл более глубокий, будто я дурочка и ничего не понимаю.
Наверное раньше наша жизнь на самом деле проходила под колпаком, столько здес пришлос встретить лудеи, стол;ко разочарований.
И почему они не говорят то, о чем деиствительно думают, зачем усложнать то, что на самом деле так просто.
Пошли ви господа взрослие лиземери в Ж...Мне лучше в моем мире...
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A esli postignu ia slavi i pochesti, a posle postignu, chto vse sueta, est znachit pravda - ona v odinochestve. Vechnaia pravda, a v nei krasota.

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V pervii raz za vse eto vremia v NY poshla, a vernee poehala out. Zakrili vchera rano, prishel ochen horoshii drug hozaina, nu mi i reshili, buduchi ludmi odinokimi i nemnogo toskuiuschimi v dushe, poehat v klub druga druzei hozaina nashego zavedenia.
Bilo prikolno, no rech ne ob etom. Rech o tom, chto s ludmi?
Ehali obratno s Tonny i razgovarivali o jizni, nahodias v podpitom sostoianii, no sovsem ne na vesele. Mujchina 30 let, vladeiuschii setiu restoranov, iz zajitochnoi sem'i, jivet v svoe udovolstvie. Da, emu v obschem to legko i veselo, on ne lubit stress i sebia emu ne podvergaet. A vchera on raskril mne svoiu dushu, v kotoroi ziaet ogromnaia chernaia dira, kuda uhodit vse eto veselie, vse eto blagopoluchie. On odinok. U nego mnogo druzei, est horoshie blizkie druzia. Girlfrien - voobsche ne problema. Mojet imet kogo hochet i kogo ne hochet. No on odin, sam daje ne predstavlaet na skolko.
On skazal mne odnu edinstvennuiu vesc, kotoraia zastavila menia vzglanut na nego drugimi glazami. Mne stalo ego jalko. Chuvak prosto dal sovet nikomu ne verit, chto bi mne ne govorili ludi, dumat tolko o svoem, ne slushat etih govoriaschih ludei, potomuchto vsem vokrug ot tebia chto-to nado. On skazal, chto ludi budut mne govorit to, chto ia hochu slishat, to chto mne blizko, ludi vsegda budut govorit mne raznie veschi, no tolko potomuchto im chto-to nado ot menia. I ia ne doljna nikomu verit, tolko sebe.
I eto pechalno, Tonny. Takoi klassnii chuvak, dusha kompanii, ne doveraiuschaia etoi kompanii ni na odin prozent...

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В колонках играет - grust

Opat taki misli , naveiannie chteniem Baha.
V kajdom iz nas ujivaetza samaia silnaia jestokost i bezgranichnaia lubov, v kajdom bez iskluchenia. Ogromnii minus i gigantskii plus. No v silu jiznennih obstoiatelstv, proisshestvii, vospitania, okrujaiuschei sredi nashe vnutrennee ia sklonaetza k odnomu iz etih polusov, vse je ne izbegaia vliania drugogo.
Vot maniaki blokiruiut plus, nahodias v otrizatelnom prostranstve. Eto ludi bolnie i poetomu ih soznanie mojet zaziklitza v odnom izmerenii. Mnogie politiki ne daleko uhodiat ot maniakov, ludi po suti svoei toje dovolno bolnie, imenno bolnaia politika privodit k voinam, beszelnim i nenujnim ubiistvam, konfliktam. Soznanie odnogo cheloveka, zapugannogo za samosohranenie, nadelennogo vlastiu privodit k smerti soten tisach ludei. Interesno, chto v etih sotnah tisach - v tisachah riadovih grajdan mojno naiti ogromnoe kolichestvo ludei, s ogromnim plusom vnutri. Da, mi ludi-plusi ne hotim vlasti, mi mechtateli i poeti, domochadzi, rabotniki. Mi udovletvoreni tem, chto imeem, ved vse moglo bit i huje, ne tak to prosto nam dostalos to, chto u nas seichas est. Mojet i prosto, mojet est v nas nekotoraia stepen vezenia, no vot moemu sosedu prishlos silno popotet, chtob jit tak, kak on seichas jivet. I ia znaiu, chto on eto ochen zenit, poetomu i ia zenu to, chto imeiu.
I pochemu k vlasti v osnove svoei prihodiat ludi, ne znaiuschie lubvi i jalosti. Ludi, ne poluchivshie bolshogo jiznennogo opita, ne videvshie mnogih aspektov jizni, prinimaiuschie samie otvetstvennie reshenia samim bezotvetstvennim obrazom.
Pochemu chelovek, lubiaschii ves mir bez iskluchenia sidit v svoei kamorke odnobedrumnoi kvartiri, sozerzaia potok dvijenioa na ulizah. I on bezgranichno schastliv, potomuchto lubit etot mir, takoi hrupkii mir, kotorim igraiut bezotvetstvennie ludi.
Kak je vse u nas nepravilno i nespravedlivo. I pochemu mi ne mojem uehat, pereselitza v kakoi-nibud parallelnii mir, gde mi vse budem prosto jit, rabotat i smeiatza. A eti bezdiri i politikani pust ostaiutza odni. Oni ved boiatza ochen silno, oni takie melochnie i pustie vnutri. I ih mir budet napolnen zlostiu, jestokostiu, zavistiu i bezgranichnim strahom...

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Chitala segodnia Richarda Baha, horoshii pisatel, skuchnii, no misli virajaet v proizvedeniah ochen umnie. Tipichnii mechtatel - samoanalitik. No, pochemu-to ego hod mislei mne neveroiatno blizok, on, kak starshii mudrii brat daet ne stolko soveti, skolko podderjivaet so straniz knigi. I eto bolshe vsego mne v nem nravitza - to, chto on sposoben ponimat jizn s pozitivnoi tochki zrenia - s tochki zrenia svobodi misli.
Chitala ego teksti i nastroenie uluchshalos, kak je mne okazivaetza ne hvatalo svetlih slov, napisannih chelovekom, sumevshim virazit zabitie toboi misli. Srazu prishlo osoznanie, chto vse fignia, chto vse budet horosho, tak kak vse na samom dele horosho. I vlianie okrujaiuschih menia melochnih, zamknutih, neobrazovannih ludei, ne vidiaschih dalshe spalnogo gorshka srazu smilo iz moego prosvetlennogo teper nastroenia.
Ostalos tolko nauchitza ulibatza, ulibatza glazami i dushoi, prosto ulibatza shagaia po ulizam, ulibatza sebe i svoemu soznaniu, potomuchto ia schastliva bit ne takoi kak oni. A oni pust sidiat na ulizah vonuchego Brooklyna (loosers) i pialatza na menia skolko vlezet. mne to net do nih dela.
Odna iz fraz, odna iz samih lubimih i neosporimih :
Sdelannii nami vibor privodit nas k novim ispitaniam, a preodolenie ih pomogaet nam osoznat, chto mi vovse ne te bespomoschnie jalkie suschestva, kotorimi sami sebe inogda kajemsa. Mi - bezgranichnie virajenia jizni, zerkala, otrajaiuschie duh.
Kak horosho

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Vot sideli s Leisankoi i prikalivalis, chto net lubvi, ne verim, vozmojno verim, no predmeta lubvi netu, krome muziki, estestvenno.
Vot chto rasskazivaet Platon o proishojdenii lubvi:
V drevnosti ne bilo ni mujchin, ni jenschin, a nekii splav togo i drugogo:dva liza, chetire ruki i chetire nogi, i tak dalee.Oni bili soedineni spina k spine, poetomu mogli peredvigatza kak vpered, tak i nazad. Nekotorie sostoiali iz dvuh mujskih polovin, drugie - iz dvuh jenskih, no bolshinstv bilo napolovinu mujchinoi, napolovinu jenschinoi. Et drevnie chetveronogie ludi nastolko stremilis k vlasti, chto predstavlali ugrozu dla bogov. I togda Zevs reshil razdelit ih popolam, chtobi takim obrazom umenshit ih silu. Tak poiavilis mujchini i jenschini.
No, otdelennie drug ot druga, polovinki jajdali vossoedinenia.
Vivod: Lubov - eto poiskutrachennoi polovini, vechnoe stremlenie sliania s neiu.
Vot takaia vot fignia...

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Chto-to ia v poslednee vremia ooochen silno ustaiu. Segodnia bila tolko v treh mestah, i vse...pizdez
Ehh, skuchno i odinoko. Inogda dumaiu, a mojet u menia vsa jizn takoi i bila skuchnoi i odinokoi, vsegda. Ne hvataet chego-to. A chego?

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One more fucking year in this country. It's strange, that i am complaining. Isn't it what u wanted, baby?(like Paul said to me - it was his last message and never ever...)
I am in NY, it was my own choice to stay here. And I wanted to stay actually. But what is going on in my heart right now... I can't understand that. And all that fucking regrets and stuff. Life is changing, it is changing us. I see it in my heart, in the eyes of my friends. And we all are like "Sup, Bro? What the fuck is going on?" Just the life is going on, that's it. Nothing special about it. We are still looking into the past, laughter and crasy stuff, that we were doing. But no more, baby. That's it. New understanding of presence, new life, adult life. We don't want to grow up, but we are.
The other thing is that I fucking don't now, what to expect. Like going towards the corner without knowing what is waiting for me there. Actually it's always like that. U never know, it just happens. But here and now I don't know at all. I am pretty lost...

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I otkuda vzalas eta neuverennost v sebe i nejelanie chto libo delat?
Ia ved silnii chelovek, a stradaiu v dannoe vremia fignei, ili ia prosto sebe vse vidumala opiat ot skuki.
Inogda kajetza, chto odinochestvo deistvuet ne menia blagotvorno, vse chto ia ispitivaiu v dannii moment - eto moe i nichie drugoe, nikto ne zarajaet menia emoziami i misliami. Inogda chuvstvuiu sebia kak Budda. Jizn vokrug burlit i dvijetza, a ia stoiu spokoini i nabludaiu. Inogda brosaius v etot potok, no on menia vitalkivaet. Pochemu?

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Vot ischu fucking job, irritated and fucking tired, want to work already with that stupid fucking drunk customers
Perepadi nastroenia nabludaiutza kajduiu minutu. Inogda kajetza chto vse normalno, ved ia uje v NY, a inogda pizdez...

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Poslednie 2va dnia v fucking NC navsegda ostanutza v moei piamati i pamiati svidetelei burno razvivavshihsa v eti dni sobitii. Nikogda ne dumala, chto ludi mogut bit takimi tupimi, kak moi motherfucking urod-manager, kotorii pitaetza opustit menia v glazah moih druzei i koleg, i eto posle 2uh let otlichnoi raboti.
Uvolnenie v poslednii den moei raboti uje sdelalo menia znamenitoi na ves ostrov. Samoe smeshnoe, chto Her Maior "uvolil" menia posle togo, kak ia sama uvolilas za dve nedeli do naznachennogo sroka. I fired on menia v moi poslednii po rasisaniu den, kogda mne ne osobo to hotelos rabotat, tak chto mne v kakoi-to stepeni podfartilo, extra day off poshel mne na polzu, a ne vo vred.
A segodnia, kogda ia prosto prishla poproschatza so svoimi druziami v etot grebannii Seafood, on vizval poliziu, chtob udostoveritza, chto ia popadu domoi v zelosti i sohrannosti.
Daje esli ti nenavidish svoego sotrudnika (bez imeiuschihsa na to veskih osnovanii), etot sotrudnik vse je imeet pravo skazat dosvidania ludiam, kotorh lubit. And I don't give a fuck about your feelings, thoughts and ambissions. If u are an idiot, it's your fucking problem, u have to live with that and shut the fuck off.
I don't really care about what happened this last two days. I am living to New York tomorrow and I am fucking 100% sure, that I'll be happy and successful there. I am a biger person, i can forgive somebody's stupidity, but I will not forget that fort sure.

Cherez dva dnia v New York. Vse govorit o tom, chto bolshe terpet nevozmojno i otkladivat nechestno. Pora, davno pora. Da uj, potaskala menia jizn po labirintam chelovecheskih otno shenii i perejivanii. I do sih por ia chuvstvuiu sebia prosto nabludatelem , a ne uchastnikom vsego sluchivshegosia.
Chto je doljno proizoiti v New Yorke, pochemu vse obstoiatelstva prosto vitalkivaiut menia v etot gorod. Boius chuvstvovat to, chto ispitivaiu po otnosheniu k svoemu otiezdu. Strashno, neponatno, radostno. Voobsche ia ispitivaiu oblegchenie, budto ia edu v davno pokinutii dom. Ne znaiu, kak on seichas vigladit, no vse je eto dom.
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Veru, chto u mena vse v New Yorke budet prosto zashibenno otlichno. Glavnoe, chto teper ia veru v svoi sili. Nedavno proverila pochtu. John prodoljaet mne pisat, zenit. Uspel mena azenit za neskolko dnei, kotorie ia u nego rabotala. Znachit, ia chego-to stoiu. Vot!

Piu Appleton and coke, hota Casptain mne nravitza bolshe. V sleduiuschii raz nado kupit Shamboard ili Frahgeliko. Hota in vina veritas...

Hochu v New York prosto do ujasa! Segodna posmotrela film s Antonio Banderasom "Take the Lead", kotorii snimali v NY, a potom mne pozvonila devchonka iz NY chtob rasskazat kak tam klassno. Da esche i John iz Seven napisal, chto on miss me and want me back. Zachem oni mena tak muchaiut?

vcera dumala ob otiezde iz Miami. Dumala tak, chto golova treschala i misli drug na druga naskakivali. Vse analizirovala, a potom zabila, vernee pribila tablichku k dveri miamskoi jizni "Zakrito". Vse, hvatit, fucking life is going on!!!
Zavtra dnuha, otmechaem segodna. Skoro kuplu skooter i budu grozoi mestnih baikerov. Chto skazat mame zavtra ne znaiu. Opat pridetza vrat, chto vse horosho i luchshe tolko tam, gde nas net.
chem vse eto herna, ia blin esche pokaju, na chto sposobna. And my life is not about sacrifice anymore. For sure!

Nu vot ia i v NC. Ne mogla tebe otvetit, tak kak konchilis edinizi na telefone. sostoianie u mena normalnoe. Lilka, chuvak, pochemu teba choknutoi balbeski net so mnoi radom?!!!
Mne prishlos uehat iz Miami tolko iz za druzei. U nih ne bilo deneg i raboti i ne svetilo im naiti rabotu. Poetomu v jelanii spasti ih, privezla devchonok suda. Kupila bileti za svoi schet, privezla v svoiu amerikanskuiu semiu, pokupaiu produkti, vobschem mojno skazat soderju ih poka. Mne bilo neopisuemo stidno i bolno uezjat iz miami. Ia ved tam bila glavnim bartenderom i owner chut li ne molilsa na mena. A ia ego brosila, podstavila. I ved eto bil edinstvennii chelovek, s kotorim ia hotela poproschatza pered otiezdom. Ochen horoshii chuvak, ponimaesh. Moi drug prakticheski, a ia tak s nim postupila. pritom poterala takuiu doljnost klassnuiu - so mnoi sovetovalis, uvajali, eto bil bi klassnii opit. V pervii den v NC mne bilo bolno i obidno. Ia dushu eto chuvstvo v sebe. Hvatit seba jalet, eto slabost.
Da ladno0 eto. No odna iz devchonok - neudachniza polnaia ( nehorosho tak o druziah, no u mena nervov ne hvataet na nee) bez mena daje rabotu ne mojet poiti poiskat. Jorge, u kotorogo mi jivem ee nedolublivaet, razreshil ei zdes jit tolko neskolko dnei. Poiti ei jit nekuda, deneg u nee net, raboti net, ischet ona ee ne ochen aktivno. Ia segodne vse viskazala, chto dumaiu o ee situazii. Est, konechno opredelennii prozent nevezenia, no chto-to ved zavisit i ot cheloveka. A ona mne govorit, ti tipo hochesh chtob ia teba blagodarila ili proschenia poprosila? A pochemu bi i net, ved na jertvi poshla ia, a ne kto-to esche. Esli chestno, viskazav svoi misli, ia hotela ee razozlit, chtob voznenavidev mena za rezkost ili chestnost ona zavtra je poshla iskat rabotu. Ia bi imenno tak i postupila, zlost ved silnaia shtuka. A ona nuni raspustila, poshla revet i jalet seba.
Ia znaiu, chto postupila nepravilno. Cheloveku seichas i tak nelegko, esche ia tut viskazivaius. No ved ia ne idealnii chelovek, mne nadoelo bit na golovu vishe ih, derjatza bodro i predvodit. gospoda, ochnites, mi v jope, davaite chto-to srochno predprimem i perestanem uspokaivat seba mechtami o svetlom buduschem!

Vse, ne mogu bolshe jit v etom Miami. 30 gradusov v teni i iskusstvennie ludi, eto ne dla mena! V ponedelnik otchalivaiu v Karolinu, nazad k Jorge :(
John esche ne znaet o moem otiezde, da i ne uznaet, poka ia ne doberus do Karolini. Nichego, perejivet.
V ssilku, v ssilku. A kak hochetza v new York! Glavnoe, chto eto treklatoe Miami nas sovsem ne izmenilo - mi ne do chego ne opustilis, ne oshli na sdelki s sovestiu ili s prinzipami, mi vse esche umeem smeiatza nad nepriatnostami i nad soboi. Nikomu ne nagovorili gadostei, vobschem mi sovsem molodzi, tolko vot deneg ni figa net. No vet life is not about money...
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