i have a problem. or two. or three.


no, just one. unavoidable.

myself

i want some professional help. i cannot deal with this all by myself. not anymore.

he said something that made me confused.
and a bit scared.

seems like he's got this unique ability to know what's on my mind, to finish my sentences with just the right words, to understand me better than i do.

i'm just like an open book to him and he's so good at reading between the lines.

slightly creepy. just a little bit, but i seem to enjoy it anyways.


"sometimes clever people with low self-esteem do hang out with the ones who are not that intelligent or with those who are weird just because that makes them feel sane", -he said.

these words are still spinning inside my head.
he was talking about me.

i would have understood him if he'd said: "...because it makes them feel superior or because it flatters their ego", but that was not the point.

do i really need this to feel sane?
sane...

i look at him and i see a person who knows just what to do.
so "not like me" indeed.

but i'm not really sure that having everything under control is what i want....i'm way too chaotic for that.

and goddamit - why the heck do people keep telling me that i'm a perfectionist?!?!?!?!
i know i am, but i never thought it was so obviuos...

a little disguise won't do any harm, i suppose))

Настроение сейчас - ...eeeem, "with a boy" this time))))))))
В колонках играет - The White Stripes - Fell In Love With A Girl

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAa


JESUS CHRIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
oh my goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood.....
bloody fuckin heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel


JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSUUUUUUUUUUUUSSSS!!!!!!!

what the hell am i thinking!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!??!
...was i thinking...



ohohohohohohohohohohohohohoho boy.......

EUPHOOOORIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

oh my..........

Настроение сейчас - ....and i doooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooon't!!!!!!!!!!!!!
В колонках играет - The White Stripes - I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself

by the way, i just noticed - beer is not alcohol, as it turns out...

hehe, wicked....

i just love it - "even in brown paper bags"...hehe, the best!

Настроение сейчас - gooooooooooooooooood
В колонках играет - Sonic Youth - Starpower
[480x640]

..joy..

Настроение сейчас - floating
В колонках играет - Sonic Youth - French Tickler
[640x480]

me and A. will be together
i know that
i can feel it
so deep it makes me shiver

his craziness and this very special look in his eyes
his life is the way he wants it to be, not what it makes out of him.
he is the one who dictates all the rules.

he is FREE. he is just himself.

"he's so goddamn pure, you always feel like a phony around him"
and i really do

this type of people is on the verge of complete extinction
too sincere, too open, too innocent, too naive, too HUMAN for this world
hard to believe, but that's what he's like

and it gives me hope i can change. become better. get rig of all this dirt and hypocrisy. stop telling lies. even the white ones.
he will be my savior.

the salvation i'm looking for.
i will hold on to him.
very tight.

Настроение сейчас - belive in him
В колонках играет - Sonic Youth - That's All I Know (Right Now)

i miss talking to people
about music that has influenced generations
about literature that has changed the world
about the meaning of life
about what it's like to be lonely
about the journeys to the worlds of cloudy dreams


all those superficial conversations about parties and booze are taking me over.

i want them to listen.
LISTEN.
and understand.
these endless idle talks seem to be all they are concerned about.

sometimes i wonder, do they ever think about what they live for?
do they ever regret?
do they ever wish something so badly, thier fists clench and their hearts start to beat a million times faster?
do they ever want to turn back the time and change this one, the most important moment?


do they belive in the power of a wish?
and do they belive in themselves?


as for me, i keep hoping that i do, for otherwise there is nothig for me, but the dead end.

i know one thing - i have friends who will always be there for me, no matter how far away we are from each other.

i can always come home to them.

my deepest love and affection is what they will always have

Настроение сейчас - melancholic
В колонках играет - Sonic Youth - Disappearer
[699x472]

вот

Настроение сейчас - exhausted
В колонках играет - Depeche Mode - John The Revelator
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никогда
этих снов никому
этих слов только ветер знает
там где я буду
навсегда
навсегда

для тебя
эти дни о тебе
эти сны на моих ладонях
тепло от моря
навсегда
навсегда

Настроение сейчас - ..я с тобой навсегда
В колонках играет - Линда
[480x640]

just do so...
[640x480]

i saw him today. in pitstop. he seemed to be willing to spend some time with me, but i did not bother.

our trip to London was amazing.

that is where i belong. that feels like home.

i figured i cannot love like i used to.
no passion.
it's all gone and looking back, i feel so cold.


i hope to see Pepe tomorrow and have something to smoke.
Jesus, I am soooooooooo drunk now,
It's Sandra's Birthday today. the 18th. we got a bottle of champagne for free. it tasted so good. almost like Passion Cider.

they had some kind of Cider in London too, but it tasted like crap, honestly.

i cherish a hope to get a tattoo soon. The Sun.

I have made up my mind about what I'd like study and even wrote the Personal Statement.

oh my, why can't things be just the way I want them to be?

because it's life. and it's a bitch....

The christmas tree in Pitstop was really gorgeous and the round dance made me feel lifted.


Fun Fun Fun.

andfnow it is 4 o'clock in the morning and I have 3 hours to sleep before getting up...nice, huh?....don;t care...

.and who gives a shit, anywayz???..

"good nigth, thank you, we love you all"

Настроение сейчас - hope is never dead!
В колонках играет - Spleen
[640x480]

Good Lord, I'm so tired..can't get myself together even though I know that I've got to.

Have to write my Written Tasks Rationale for English.
Have to start planning my World Literature Assignment.
Have to start preparing for IELTS.
Have to decide what the fuck I want to study in university. Eventually.


but What The Heck?!! I am going to London this Thursday, HURRAY HURRAY!!

oh, Camden Town, here we come))))))))))

Настроение сейчас - ..trying...
В колонках играет - Depeche Mode - Condemnation

i thought i didnt love him.
and i didnt.
and i dont.
and i wont.
then why the fuck does it hurt so much??? ...


because too much sweetness is 'no good'
because 'perfect' is always fleeting
because 'fucked up' was too real this time


i am glad it happened. Now. i knew it was going to.


The End.


"Thank you for the most peculiar and crazy days of my life"

Настроение сейчас - dried out & drained
В колонках играет - -

you know, when I told Jesper about N, he looked at me as if i were absolutely mental... then he started laughing with such enthusiasm, I thought he would burst.

he didnt.

he said : " 14 years difference!!!!! he could be your dad!!!!!!!!.. Oooooh, but that's disgusting, that surely is abnormal!!..."

and his conclusion was: "you are nuts!"

i had no choice, but to agree.

but, you see, it doesnt make any difference because we are both "strange".

I love being with him.
"my favourite freak"

its all so weird.
so strange.

peculiar.

we are strange. different? i guess so, but should that be a problem?

"dont hope so" ...



i just have to let it out. yes. all of it. oh god, i have to stop all this bullshit, i know.."i am aware of that, dont panic"..."i really like you"..what does the word "like" mean?...i've spent hours trying to figure it out...no use..i am too...too..too uneasy, goddamit...


and i definitely think too much, no doubts about that.
could someone be so kind and SMASH MY BLOODY BRAIN?...i would really appreciate that, honestly...

Настроение сейчас - trying to stop thinking
В колонках играет - Sonic Youth - I Love You Golden Blue

..and as he sang: "i have all the time in the world to make you mine.."
..but, oh, oh, oh, he already has...



he already has, and I know that his eyes dont lie.




he is mine.


the infinite tenderness of his touch.

is driving me crazy.


i am drowning in him.
and i do not want to be saved.

Настроение сейчас - blissssssssssss
В колонках играет - Joy Division - Love will tear us apart

i've got him right there.
right under my skin.

Настроение сейчас - highhhhhhhhh
В колонках играет - Depeche mode

ok..
so this is the day when the 19th year of my life begins..

...jesuschrist, im growing older and older...i CANT BELIVE it....

but still...the first song i listened to today was "where is my mind?" (which is the motto of my life in a way))))

...then i happily spilt a cup of coffee on my school papers)) (the proof of the above mentioned)..

all in all, the day started in a perfect way!!!!!!!!!!))))))))))))))))))))


and i am 1 yead older now...again..

tequila is to be consumed today)))))

Настроение сейчас - madly happy))))
В колонках играет - Modest Mouse - Dance Hall

i got it, i got it, i got it, i got it, i got it, I GOT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the job in the coolest place ever!!!!! yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!!!!!!!!! holy smokes, im so haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaapppppppppyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yeah.....overjoyed))))))))))))))))))))

special thanx to jimz for his support an advice!!!! - "thank u!" *enthusiastically shaking hands* )))))))))


...an i met a guy who looks jus like Nick Oliveri...absolutely the same (the beard is jus amazing)!!! a perfect duplicate, hehe....funny enough...

all in all, yesterday was one of the best days of my life....with a bit of insanity of course, but not like before- im probably gettin older an wiser, lol....

NO FUCKIN WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(;

Настроение сейчас - wonderful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
В колонках играет - Iggy Pop - I'm Bored