[265x399]
I can’t deny the fact that I love
all that you are

I can't erase the memories
we have shared together

I can't pretend
that what we have is not rare

I can't run
from my emotions

I can't cover up
your precious treasures

I can't survive
without your presence

I can't dream
if you are not within my reach

I can't hide
from your heart

You are the one
who is my connection to the stars
You are the one
who brings the heavens
to my restless soul
You are the one
who shines the sun
on me when I see no light
You are the one
who gives me all
For you are my falling star
that I see each day of my life......

im so bored.. bored, bored, boooooooooorrrrrrrreeeeeeddd!!!!!!!!! what a useless, worthless day... i wanna do something.. get high, and drunk, and run around the streets screaming some shit about my boring life.. ah, where is julia? she always was ready to go and do whatever.. here everybody has obligations, school, work, lack of desire for my company... and they dare to call themselves my friends.. i have no friends... i mean no friends like julia and ksusha.. they were fun.. real fun.. not this "lets go get drunk with cheap beer and talk about the meaning of life and compete who sounds smarter, while talking total bullshit" type of fun.. no way.. julia and ksusha were crazy for real.. no depressive bullshit, always in good mood, drinking what they like without thinking about money... that's real.. even if they go broke for a month, they won't drink shit just because they can't afford the drinks they truly like.. we were cool.. and now what? everyone is away.. im surrounded by artificial intellectuals, who are decades older than me yet so immature that i wanna shoot them all so that they finally would shut up and stop spreading their stupidity that i can't tolerate..
to be honest, here i mean the people who betrayed me, the people who said to be my friends, but dumped me the moment someone better entered or re-entered their pathetic existance... actually, here i mean just one, single person.
i used to trust that so called friend.. my mistake. it won't happen again.

last night we had a huge fight... it was totally useless, but at least i saw the bitch side of tim... i never thought he could be this mean and rude.. i was so disgusted by his words, it made me sick to my stomach.. and then of course i couldn't sleep.. had nightmares the moment i closed my eyes.. probably it was the worst fight we had.
now i see him from a different angle... still can't believe that he can be so cruel.. im shocked... and disappointed.

я с Ксюхой год назад... новых фоток пока ещё нет..
[558x416]

я с Ксюхой 4 года назад..
[700x464]

вчера у подруге была днюха... меня не прегласила... нуну.. зато Тима позвала.. он как обычно напился, встретился с Джеффом, пошли пить дальше... приполз домой в 5 утра... я слово не сказала.. а зачем? орать на друг друга надоело.. пусть гуляет сколько хочет без меня.. мне уже всё равно.. рано или поздно ему это надоест.

we talked. did not break up. he needs more space. basically i cannot go out with him. fine. i don't like his friends anyway..

Chain Bridge
[700x525]

i think it's time for a lil conversation with tim.. lately there's this tension between us that i cannot tolerate.. something changed.. we have to discuss it..
i hate fighting with him.. it destroys me.. i just wish we could discuss it all, without breaking up.. i don't want to give up this relationship..
i mean, we're cool. most of the times im happy. everyone has their shitty moments.. but usually people talk it over.. for some reason we don't.. but we have to.. tonight.
i know he doesn't want to talk about it, which makes it harder for me.. my NeUrOtIc, pArAnOiD thoughts scare the shit out of me.. is he hiding something? did his feelings change? why is he with me? sometimes i feel like im making him stay, forcing him to be with me.. will he be happier withou me?? sometimes i think yes, but then my ego says it's impossible, cuz im so fUcKiNg perfect.. right. screwed up, locked in my illusions, thinking that im actually helping people..
will i be happier without him though? absolutely not. at least i know this.
jeff always said "let him go and if he loves you, he'll come back".. and how many times can i do that, huh? i let him go twice already.. risk a third one and never see him again? love is not a game.. im not holding him, he can go if he wants to.. i'll survive, i guess.
but still, no matter what, i think he loves me, and he doesn't want to leave.. he's just confused, or scared to let anyone in.. maybe he's as screwed as me.. thinking that i'd hurt him at the end.. we have to talk.

my diary is boring.. all i do is complain.. usually about relationships.. hmm.. it's not as bad as it seems.. could be much worse..
ps - still sick though...

[229x292]
im sick... so typical... survive the whole winter without any problems so right before spring i can tie myself to the bed for weeks.. antobiotics kind of help but i lost most of my senses, cant hear, smell or taste.. the vision goes blury too from time to time.. just perfect..
i hate being weak.. tim doesnt know what to do with me, mom is worried.. i wanna hide, lock myself in a dark room where no one can see me, and wait until i get better.. but that's boring, so i pretend to feel better..

чё писать не знаю.. настроение никакое... устала.. от всего.. тим постоянно бoлеет.. я каждый день варю ему супчики, потом готовлю ужин, между убираю квартиру.. устала.. утром учёба, вечером кухня и посуда, ночью грандиозный секс.. ага.. а отдыхать когда?
хочу в ресторан, хочу цветы, романтику... а нет..

Настроение сейчас - beee :(

jeff is back... the crazy, all night drinking parties are slowly creeping in... have to strenghten my nerves, avoid fighting, give Tim the space he needs... it's pointless to say anything, he wouldn't understand... jeff is his GOD.. and so jeff's whore is his goddess... i gave up fighting about it long time ago... and have to accept that as long as they are present in Tim's life, i'll be only a second-best for him..

"...through your eyes the world is burning, please be gentle, im still learning..."
[500x332]

[500x375]

[236x352]
"sitting there in the shower letting the water hit me
it's too hot and it cuts into my skin,
my blood mixes with water twirling down into darkness,
the water soothes me warmth, heat, lust..
until the water slices into my heart then it freezes...
the arms of death wrap around me,
holding me in its chilling ambrace as the life is ripped from me
my soul is free
flying, until i am caught.
i scream out yet no one hears me,
the ones do don't believe me
my truth is smeared, my face is there
screaming into darkness
the shadow of what i used to be playing over and over
into my head death seduces me again.
my heart chills everything it touches
what is love without truth, truth without serenity,and serenity without love?
a never ending triangle, this is my eternity
stuck in darkness screaming, chaos all around and i can do nothing about it.
my life is swirling down the drain..."

[179x252]
hello darkness my old friend, i've come to talk with you again...

he said he loves me
he also said he wants to move back to california
welcome to the hotel california, such a lovely place...
"your heart is young.. you'll be ok" yes darling, my heart is young, it is also broken and will not survive another stab... and no, i won't be ok... how can i be ok??? i love you and you want to leave.. i'll be sad, depressed, suicidal, lost, disheartened, miserable, empty... i will be everything but ok.
but then again, you won't be here to see it, and so it doesn't matter.
this is the first day of my life, im glad i didn't die before i met you.. remember that? our song? how come you don't listen to that anymore? nevermind. it doesn't matter. nothing ever matters.. right? fuck love and leave, i can't ask you to stay...

until the truth becomes a lie, until you change, until you deny... until you believe...

не оч. серьёзная анализация 2005-го года :

* влюбилась, оч. сильно и надолго
* так и не начала заниматься спортом, НО
* начала регулярно (минимум 1 раз в день) заниматься сексом конечно же с Тимом.. ИЗЗА этого
* похудела , и поняла что я нимфоманка-извращенка, без секса НиМаГу

- потеряла хорошего друга, (предал козёл, и врал в глаза)
но о плохом вспоминать не охота... так што Jeff, а не пойти бы тебе на хуй?!

вообщем год был эмоциональным, иногда деприссивным, но чаще бурным и не предсказуемым... в принципе не плохо, но надеюсь 2006-oй будет лучше

[205x344]
Женщина может сотворить 4 чуда:

1 - давать молоко без травы

2 - увлажняться без воды

3 - кровоточить без раны

4 - заебать не раздеваясь.

[234x331]
"Ты верен святости обряда,
и в том душа твоя права.
ты слов боишься, но не надо
переоценивать слова.
я понимаю, понимаю.
твое смятение щажу,
и тоже молча обнимаю,
и тоже молча ухожу.
ты не преступишь обещанья,
ты не откликнешься на зов,
но не солжет твое молчание-
оно отчаяннее слов.
Все изумленнее, жаднее,
нежнее слушаю его.
и ни о чем не сожалею
и не желаю ничего!"