[285x300]
now that tim is gone, my mother is worried about me.. like im gonna do something stupid.. right... well, there is no need to worry about me.. im fine.. just a bit depressed.. sad.. empty.. can't picture my future anymore.. just want to hide away, lock myself in my room.. didn't go out of the house today.. didn't eat.. but im fine.. i mean, my love is in a fucking hospital fighting for his muscles to work, adopting to the one-sided vision, and a part of his elbow is missing... but me, im totally fine.. i can still walk, and see.. my brain is not damaged and i did not break my skull because i did not fall out of the fucking window.. so im fine.. me.. but not tim..
not Tim.

so much for my happy ending...

i feel weird.. (if i can use the word "feel" cuz i haven't been feeling for a long time).. it's still unbelievable that tim is gone.. it didn't hit me yet.. like im expecting to see him next weekend... like he can call me any moment and we can finally go home together..

well, what can i write? Tim is in Santa Clara.. far, far away, on the other side of the ocean.. and im here, in my room, smoking a cigarette.. still in a shock... my world is frozen.

[267x400]

 

today was Tim's last day in hungary... most of his friends were there, some who do not belong there at all.. i couldn't speak with him.. didn't have a chance..
i watched him sleeping... he said he loves me in his dream.. i almost cried, but didn't want to wake him up..
5 o'clock in the morning they will take him to airport.. i'll be in hospital around 3.30.. not sure the nurses will let me in though, cuz they didn't let me stay, i had to hide all the time... left the hospital after midnight.. will go back in an hour.. maybe he'll be awake.. maybe we'll spend some time together.. without friends.. without parents.. just me and him..
i miss him already.

instead of friday, tim will be taken to california thursday morning.. i thought i would never stop crying... my eyes still hurt..

[300x420]
5 more days and Tim will leave my life for a long time.. how will i go on without him??

when will this fucking nightmare stop???? why does everything has to be so unbearably hard?? why did i go to russia?? everything would be different if i stayed, if i wouldn't go, if i was there that night, he wouldn't fall out of that motherfucking window.. and he wouldn't leave to the other side of the planet in 5 days... and we would still be together.

it's hard when the heart is opened up to feelings that never existed before.. i can't take it anymore... this pain is tearing me apart.. the uncertainty, lack of control of my own life, dependency, fear... i feel so small.. i lost everything.. i want to go with him, be close, see him.. touch.. feel.. and i can't.. can i just end it all, please? can anyone stop it?? can i please shoot myself??????????

why, tim, why the fuck did you do it? why did no one stop you? where was your dear friend jeff, huh? sniffing up a line off the table? or rolling a joint?

'till everything burns, while everyone screams, burning their lies, burning my dreams, all of this hate and all of this pain, i'll burn it all down, as my anger reigns..

 

i will never forgive myself cuz i know for a fact that it would've never happened if i was there.

you have to fall a few times before you can actually fly... but what if you break your wings?
[490x462]

it turned out that they're taking him away in a week!!! next friday..
im shocked.. dont know what to say.. it's too soon..

[251x395]



33 days in hospital, second day of some speech.. finally he can speak.. but his voice is childlike, so sweet but full of pain.. he said "I'm sorry"... my knees felt weak and i had to sit down before i'd collapse.. it's getting harder every day.. now i can actually hear him suffering.. but he is healing.. my little star will shine again..

they are taking him far, far away.. to the land of the free.. and i cannot go with him... i failed him, i failed our love.. i am unable to be there when he will need me the most.. and so my life is over.
the countdown has began..

3 more weeks and then what?

will you ever forgive me that i won't be there during the rehab period?? because i cannot forgive myself already...

Hope shrivels, like a wilted flower,
Memories fade
But forgetting... is beyond my power..

Это цитата сообщения x_Lady_Despair_x Оригинальное сообщение

Всю жизнь одна, всю жизнь разбита

Секунды выльются в года,

Как будто просто ты убита

Или никогда не рождена.

В груди томление, боль, страдания,

Одна - одна - одна – одна.

И как осилить испытанье?

И как понять зачем, когда?

Откройте мне загадку жизни

Скажите мне, зачем живу

И в голове моей томятся мысли о том, что жить я не хочу.

И как понять в чем тут грусть, в чем радость?

И жить как правильно? Зачем?

Я вижу в ней лишь мразь и пакость,

Убита сразу и никем.

И скажет кто-нибудь, сознаешь кто же ты

Любить, терять, смотреть, не видеть

Дышать, ………….

Слышать крик и стон сорвется,

И ненавидеть и порываться напролом

И вновь надеждой загореться

Потом упасть с высот чужих

И в кровь и вдребезги разбиться

И умереть, не слыша их.

23 days have passed since your accident.. and still no clear picture of your brain abilities.. still trapped in your own body, and cannot break free.. im sure it kills you.. you always look so sad.. sad sad sad
i wish i could help you, i want to see your soul smile again.. but it all seem so far away.. in the evergrowing distance..
if i could, i would take all your pain away and give you the joy i once felt, so you would feel how much i love you and how happy i was when you were there for me.. with me.. together..

forever?
[319x200]

Тим ослеп на правый глаз..
правая нога не реагирует на боль, и ещё ниразу не двигалась, даже пальцы ноги..
в понедельник будут делать операцию на правый локать (вынимать кость)..
левая рука тоже сломана..
неожидала такого..
я в шоке.

can't sleep.. out of pills.. ah.. im thinking too much again.. doubting.. asking myself idiotic questions about the recent past.. i think Tim was (is?) ashamed of me.. strange guilt attacks me when i let these thoughts in.. it's like two voices are yelling, competing, in my mind.. who's right?
then it all vanishes.. and the thoughts about Tim's present condition return.. squezing out all hope and optimism.. and then it's gone again.. and i see a bright, happy future.. perhaps too happy to be realistic.. a future about me and him.. a future for a lifetime..he would run if he knew.. so im keeping it for myself.. for daydreaming.. ^itty-_bitty-^pretty illusions.

[315x364]





ни хрена он не проснётся на этой неделе.. и вообще на хуй всё.. никто в него не верит.. родители пессимисты.. друзья тоже.. Jeff сука на Тима давно забил, даже из страны уехал и не хрена не звонит, козёл.. одна я прыгаю как идиотка и всем доказываю что всё будет хорошо, что Тим изменится в лучшую сторону и т.д. и т.п... короче, всё меня бесит, и я очень, очень устала..

your eyes were opened again today.. it seems like you are slowly waking up.. flying somewhere between dreams and reality.. no one really belives that your conscious, but i do.. im sure you can hear and understand us.. you made a cute face expression.. you know when you gave me that innocent look when you wanted me to laugh.. that was the one you made today.. something personal, so im sure you remember.. your personality didn't disappear.. my Tim is still there, inside, trying to get out.. and you will make it.. you're strong.. i know you are... we'll be happy again.
[488x326]

сегодня делали последнюю (6-ую) важную операцию.. успешно.. без потери крови и инфекций.. вчера открыл глаза, но ниначто не реагировал.. врач сказал что Тим пытается проснутся, и если всё будет хорошо, то в выходные у него это скорее всего получится.. жду не дождусь!!!

[255x300]
you opened your eyes today.. but i don't think you could see.. you looked frightened, confused, sad.. i couldn't let you go.. couldn't leave.. just stood there for 5 hours and stared, trying to stop my tears..
your hand sometimes moved, squezed mine and then let go.. you even looked at me a few times.. did you recognise anything? what did you feel?
i thought you were crying inside...
my soul was screaming..
surgery tomorrow.. you will sleep again.. and i will wait.. and hope.. and pray.. and then cry inside, but no one will see that.. my heart will cry, not my eyes.. like always.. for 15 days now.. im begining to forget happiness.. because it's in coma, together with you.

i think im very, very paranoid..