В колонках играет - Bon Jovi - Always
Настроение сейчас - gettin worse every second...

:(

В колонках играет - Usher - u got it bad
Настроение сейчас - emptiness

"Notes of life
written in red ink
expressing my true strife..."



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"What happens to a bird without a wing?
Does it flop around on the ground
like a dream lost on dark streets?
Or give up like an alcoholic taking his final drink
and then die?
Does it try hard like a runner in a race?
Or dry and shrivel up
like a man without a face?
Maybe it just sits there
like a girl ever waiting for her bus...
Or does it fly?"

... maybe it's too far away, or maybe im just blind...

sometimes, when it comes to feelings, you have to realize that you are not welcomed, and move on... but some people, like myself, don't want to see that... so even though i totally understand that i should leave, i will not do it. because my heart tells me not to! and the mind is ignored... as always... maybe that's why im getting hurt all the time.. doesn't really matter, cuz im used to pain.

i want him. i really do. it's kind of freaky, cuz it's turning into an obsession... hmmm. but i cannot control it. not anymore...
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В колонках играет - losin my favourite game
Настроение сейчас - im goin CRAZYYYYYYYYY

The Cardingans
My Favourite Game


I don't know what you're looking for
you haven't found it baby, that's for sure
you rip me up and spread me all around
in the dust of the deed of time
and this is not a case of lust, you see
it's not a matter of you versus me
it's fine the way you want me on your own
but in the end it's always me alone

And I'm losing my favourite game
you're losing your mind again
I'm losing my baby
losing my favourite game

I only know what I've been king for
another you so I could love you more
I really thought that I could take you there
but my experiment is not getting us anywhere
I had a vision I could turn you right
a stupid mission and a lethal fight
I should have seen it when my hope was new
my heart is black and my body is blue

And I'm losing my favourite game
you're losing your mind again
I'm losing my favourite game
you're losing your mind again
I'm losing my baby
losing my favourite game

I'm losin my favourite game
You're losing your mind again
I've tried
I've tried
But you're still the same
I'm losing my baby
you're losing a saviour and a saint

A forbidden love between two souls, one residing with another, one still searching. What could have been, cannot be, as my heart ponders a decision, my head interferes and I lose hope of being with you.

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I miss you, babe!!!!!!! Miss you beyond imagination!!!
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Seduction will reel you back
Compassion will grasp my soul
Our eyes will exchange secrets once more...

"Когда покоя нет нигде,
Когда чего-то не хватает -
Провал, падение в судьбе,
Пустая суета терзает,
Все надоело, только смерть –
Мечта обманного покоя,
Когда так хочется стереть
Свой образ вечного героя;
Когда нет больше сожаленья,
И лет прошедших череда
Лишь отчужденье и презренье –
Без цели смытые года…
Тогда какое-то веселье
Смысл обретает потайной,
А в нем и страсть и вдохновенье –
Насмешка над самой судьбой…
И так, смеясь над ожиданьем,
Над недоверьем и собой
Вдруг понимаешь, что страданье –
Плод сотворенный красотой."

Just thinking of him again... about all the things he said... all the things he wished he did... all the words that remained silent... and all the feelings that could never be told. Probably wondering forever why did he ever come into my life??

ps - im thinking too much.

on v4era pozvonil... 4e hotel sam neznal... sprosil kak dela... hotela skazat' 4to uzhasno sku4aju, serdce razbito, dusha umeraet bez nego... no ni4ego ne skazala krome "i'm ok". ewe on skazal 4to ni4ego ne pomnit, (vsmisle 4to mi rasstalis'...) i nam nado vstretitsya, pogovorit'... ya kone4no teper' ot s4ast'ja umirayu, a ne ot boli, nu vse ravno, kak to hrenovo na dushe... neznaju po4emu.

I love:
(myself hard to believe but i just adore myself!!!) Ksusha, Julia, Olegic, Lyalya, Nekit, Mikola, Kata, Chilla, Sivan, Karolina, Tim (but he doesn't care), Jeff, Attila (met him twice, but love him anyway), i even love Bastian, but he doesn't know that.
I also love and deeply respect Jay Miller... but he doesn't know it either. maybe it's time to let him know somehow... i have a problem in expressing my feelings, especially to the people mentioned above...

can't sleep again... what a surprise... im like a zombie. need my beauty sleep bastian could make me fall asleep... but that was like 2 years ago. bastian... another "interesting" relationship which wasn't a relationship. my life is all about unreal relationships... secrets... hiding... probably my fault.
by the way, im not depressed and im not suicidal, i just see the world in a bit different way... excuses again... but seriously, life is a game. im just playing. maybe in a wrong way... but well, im not perfect :) at least i don't blame people for my own mistakes. actually, no matter what happens, i blame myself all the time. bad, bad habit... leads to bad, bad actions... but we all have problems. im not the only one with bad, bad habits... yes katya, another good excuse.
u know, usually i don't talk to myself, but after not sleeping for a week, anything can happen. another lie... i admit i slept, on friday, for about 5 hours... but before that, and since then... not really... i think im losing my mind. actually i lost it long time ago... but it still feels like im losing it... that's what alcohol does to my brain, and the drugs, and cigarettes and unhealthy way of living. add to that a screwed up childhood and lack of love and you get a total loser. though i wouldn't call myself a loser. cuz im not. im more like a lost soul trying to find myself, and a place to belong to... that's exactly why i get so easily attached to people who show some interest in me.
what else? i feel like opening up now... because i didn't sleep and when i don't sleep i tend to talk/write a lot of bullshit.
oh, the childhood part... don't want to blame my parents, but... hmmm. now, i can understand why they did what they did, but there are things which i will never forget, and even though i forgave everything, i just cannot erase it and pretend that nothing ever happened. that's what my mother cannot understand. and whenever we have a fight, almost everyday, i, being a selfish bitch, remind her of everything she did to me... and then i hate myself even more!
there is nothing i can say about my father... he doesn't live here... he didn't see me growing up, he wasn't there when i tried to kill myself the first time... only my mom had to deal with that. my father doesn't know me at all. but he loves me, and i love him. my mom loves me even more, but she thinks that i hate her, which causes some damage to me, because i love her more that anyone in this world, she just doesn't believe me...

В колонках играет - Metallica - Unforgiven

" midway along the journey of our life, i woke to find myself in a dark wood, for i had wandered off from the straight path"

" heavy rings on fingers wave, another star denies the grave, see the nowhere crowd cry the nowhere cheers of honour" (Metallica)

" and look up to the eternal skies, see warfare even there, what once has been a paradise, now destruction and despair" (Halloween)

" love seeketh not itself to please, nor for itself hath any care, but for another gives its ease and builds a Heaven in Hell's despair" (William Blake)

" now thinking back on the course of my passion, i was like one blind, unafraid of the dark"

В колонках играет - LeAnn Rimes - Please remember
Настроение сейчас - nostalgic

Diko zhaleju 4to ne zhivu v Uljanovske... Paren' prosto super! Lapka, zaj4ik moj, a net, uzhe ne moj, davno ne moj. .. ahhh... proshlo 3 goda a ya vse dumaju 4to zhe slu4ilos' snami? lyubov' vrode ne is4ezla, no mi vse ravno ne ostalis' vmeste... po4emu? hotya kakaja raznica, 3 goda proshlo, zhivem v raznih stranah daleko ot drug druga... po4emu tak trudno zabit' pervuju lyubov'???
edinstvennie, 4istie, normal'nie otnoshenija moej zhizni... a potom odna gryaz'. ni4ego nastoyawego...

В колонках играет - Avril Lavigne - Fall to pieces
Настроение сейчас - happy

i'm sorry... even though i feel happy, i just couldn't resist... i had to do it... i know you don't understand... i wish i could explain... but i can't... i just did it. i am fucked up. not even trying to deny it... honestly... whatever. but i do feel good. i mean, no matter what. as long as you don't hate me my friend, i do feel good.
but please, forgive me... i am weak.

В колонках играет - Radohead - Creep
Настроение сейчас - ha!

Radiohead - Creep

When you were here before
Couldn’t look you in the eye
You’re just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
And I wish I was special
You’re so fuckin’ special

But I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don’t belong here.

I don’t care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice
When I’m not around
You’re so fuckin’ special
I wish I was special

But I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don’t belong here.

She’s running out again,
She’s running out
She’s run run run running out...

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You’re so fuckin’ special
I wish I was special...

But I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo,
What the hell am I doing here?
I don’t belong here.
I don’t belong here.

* song about me and him...

im happy now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! everything is fine, life is beautiful!!!

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I think im paranoid, and complicated...

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"That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no I've said too much
I haven't said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try"