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ahamz... so life goes on... things happen... with tim... again... but differently... or maybe not... can't really tell...

all i know is that im happy... and i love him with all my heart.

last night was weird... i totally freaked out... but at least i know what's going on... tim is seeing other girls... very soon he will sleep with somebody, since he already bought condoms... so i guess it's really time to stop running after him... there's no chance... like he said we are not meant to be... last night was our last time ever... no more kisses, touches, no more sex with him!!!!!! oh god, even hard to imagine, but i'll be strong... hopefully...
i left without saying goodbye... he was sleeping... didn't wake him up cuz he would've made me stay... switched off my phone... no contact... i need some time alone... to get over him, to forget and stop waiting...

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when i was standing there, 60 m high above the ground, million thoughts crossed my mind... i was a bit scared... u never know what happens... but then i saw him... standing away from the crowd, in his jack daniel's shirt, with all this energy around him... time stopped, everything disappeared... i could only see him and the huge distance between us... my fear was gone, and i jumped...
...while i was falling, i thought about him... just him, nothing else... and i felt so free... that moment was the best moment of my life.

life is beautifull!!! the last 2 days were great!!! i bungee jumped!!!! thanx to Tim... can't describe the feeling - no words, just emotions absolute freedom... if i close my eyes i can still see all the lights, tiny people... simply amazing... couldn't stop smiling for the whole night then we had a fantastic sex - the best way to finish the night
tonight was friendly... we played chess for a few hours... he won as expected... :) so basically im happy now... wonder for how long...

ps - Ляльчик HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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fuck optimisim, it's not my thing... this day sux big time, it just started but i wish it'd be over already... tim is avoiding me, and he thinks that im stupid... what a dick!!!! i hate him so much right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but it hurts even more, i just broke down in tears and couldn't stop crying... i hate myself too... im so sure that we're not gonna meet tonight... he's been promising it for 3 days now and somehow couldn't make it... whatever...
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my horoscope for monday:

"Guess what two of the major themes of the day are -- romance and letting your feelings be known... Hmmm. Does that mean it's time for you to head over to your crush and ask them out? You bet it is!"

yeah baby, the stars are in my planet!!! never believed in this shit, but today i feel like it OPTIMISM 4 EVA!!!!! may the force be with me!!! (beside that, i need a serious hospitalization at the nearest psychiatry ) lalalala...

ps - fuck the world for what it's worth, every inch on planet earth!!!

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just read my old diaries... it was kind of funny, but also sad... the stories are always the same - love, obsessions, heart break - only the characters change... i think im addicted to suffering... like i purposly choose someone out of reach... someone who will never fall in love with me... but why? maybe the problem is not in men... maybe it's me... i can't be loved.


i really believed that this time it will work out... that he's different... but i guess, once again, i was wrong... love sucks! im tired of searching, hoping, dreaming... childish bullshit. im tired of crying and waiting for my phone to ring... everyone is aganst Tim... all of my friends, his friends, people in general tell me that he doesnt worth it... that i should let it go, wake up and realize that he's not good enough for me... but what do they know about him? about what we had? did we have anything at all? or am i over-reacting again??? it can't be... i saw it, i felt it... i still feel it... it can't be an illusion... it just can't. no fucking way... he loves me!!! he does... right?

you know, maybe they are right... i should let it go... not cuz he's not good enough... but because it's pathetic to run after someone who doesn't want you anymore.

we were supposed to have lunch today... yeah, right... he never keeps his promises... i dont even know how many lunches and dinners he owes me... well, doesn't matter, not a big deal... just another tiny disappointment... i'll survive... though a little attention would be nice sometimes...

just because it's so cute!!!!!!! ah... im losing it...
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"...and i find it kind of funny and i find it kind of sad
that the dreams in which i'm dying are the best i ever had..."

true, true...

Это цитата сообщения Mavrick Оригинальное сообщение

Недавно психологи опубликовали самый полный список человеческих страхов - фобий. Люди боятся не только грозы, мышей, пауков или дорожного движения, но и кур, коленей, длинных слов и запора.
Итак:
Боязнь всего - панафобия (Panophobia)
Многих вещей - полифобия (Polyphobia)
Всего нового - неофобия (Neophobia)

ДАВИ

"my heart seems to have frozen in time
cobwebs of memories i still do keep
drying tears do escape at times
into my dreams you sometimes creep..."

so yes, thinking of him again... i went through an illusion that we could make it happen.. that all we had would last forever... but there was never a chance for us... everything came to an end as rapidly as it began... leaving me emotionally drained with a heart that's badly hurt... losing you is the most hurtful ending to a complex yet magnificent part of my life...
you were like a dream that finally came true... remember the first time i cried and you kissed away my pain? strange how memories become entangled with dreams... was it real? were you real??

"one day you will ask what's more important for me - you or life - i will choose life and you will leave without even knowing that for me life is you..."

i need you...
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"I try to call but I don't know what to tell you.
I leave a kiss on your answering machine.
Oh help me please, is there someone who can make me wake up from this dream?"

another friday night... used to mean so much... about half a year ago weekend was the only time when I could be with Tim... started to count the days on sundays and by thursdays was shaking with excitement, craving for the next night to finally come... and then i was happy.
now weekends mean nothing... neither the weekdays... it's all gone.. we just meet occasionally, and if the circumstances are right, i get a few hours of love... and then the cold mornings, emptiness, friendship... as if nothing happened the night before... but what is nothing for him is everything for me.

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well... what can i write? things happened... life is kind of unpredictable... tim doesn't know what he wants... im not sure anymore either... but whatever is going on between us is weird... it shouldn't be this way... or maybe it should... i don't know.

I'm CoNfuSeD

i have to confess, cannot keep it inside any longer... last night i had sex with someone, who's name cannot be mentioned due to my paranoid way of thinking... yep... it was weird... but i had a nice time and gained my confidence back!!! on the emotional level i am confused, have no idea what am i supposed to feel... cuz i love Tim, and eventhough we are not together, i still feel like i cheated on him, or did something wrong... but then again, Tim is not an angel... he had sex already too... aaaaaaaaaaaa... i just feel so weird right now... and paranoid... but in a way sort of relaxed... ???... fuck it. GUILTY!!!!!!!!

time to behave like an adult... ending our friendship was a mistake, but at least i had some time alone to think things over... i need him in my life... as a friend... it's still hard to believe that "us" doesn't exist anymore and there is no future, but i cannot just erase him out of my life like he never existed... eventually i'll get over him... but it will take more time if i don't see him at all... it would kill me... i miss him so much...
just don't know how to tell him... he's scared of my histerical break outs and might think that i want to be his friend for different reasons... well, i just miss him, that's all.
and no matter how devastating it is i accept the fact that our relationship is over... forever.