had an interesting night last night.... as in, more interesing than usual. a lot of aftershock, me being flirty with too many people, occasionally at the same time, kicking needs in the nuts and lots more. then me, Mike and Bunny took a walk up to the cathedral, which looks totally surreal without the usual lights.... had a few interesting if not optimistic conversations about life... then back to mine with bunny for more conversation....

again, life carries on being weird and messed up. *sigh*

i am totally confused now.... but i think i'm ok. life goes by as if in a dream. dreams go past as if theyre real.

i also found a new favourite cocktail. Bloody Mary. funny.....

i suppose i will be out of this state at some point. not sure i want to.... its kinda..... comphy...



what else.... might have a job soon... in a choccie shop. want a new pretty dress....

life kind of turned around. i dont know what i am anymore. last time i felt like this was four years and three weeks ago. same feeling of something forbiddeen, but very, oh so very nice. a sort of thing you shouldn't like, or even think about. it's so wrong..... BUT IT FEELS SO GOOD! i am thoroughly confused now. feelings of love and lust rolled into one, multiplied by a hundred, and totally detached from anything conventional, ordinary, or human. so, i'm a bloobsucker. a vampire? not sure.... a rather violent one too apparently. i will have to be more careful in the future, i dont my donors dead....

dreams and reality have rolled into one, its hard to tell where one finishes and the other one starts. i am expecting reality to hit me hard on the head at any moment, and then ill be sad and sorry again. Now, i feel GOOD. not happy, but good. with a few amazing moments of partial consciousness, laced with the taste of blood, the feeling of torn traumatised flesh on the tongue..... so, im fuck up...... yeah.....

too many things happening at the same time, cant even tell what mood im in anymore. not that it matters really. got sent to the lab today to do some work-im being babysat (babysitted?) by mike and bunny every day to make sure i do work. they even keep track of my wordcount and follow me to the library. if someone did this to me during school i would have been a genius and not a uni dropout. got another week to finish the stuff, which is great, although i would have been finished by tomorrow if i kept going at this rate.... i told the agency i wont be going back to AQA this week-decided that my education is a bit more important that education of millions of little scags. selfish? yeah.......

also got a call from thorntons-i have an interview. not the best paid, and only part time-but still my dream job..... and i'll have many friends....

had a very very weird experience yesterday. more about it later-but will most likely be a closed entry.

oh, and i have a game tonight. not at all sure what this involves.....

just literally got out of the car, cant feel my legs properly.... went to Nottingam on saturday with Mike and Dori and Bunny, and met up with a lot of mad people. i think i fit in just right. me and dori got more than a few funny looks in Pizza hut for being dressed up like a couple of Victorians.... after that we went to drop stuff off and put some make up on. i look weird with a brown face and whiskers....this was followed by going to Warhammer World (a place where a lot of the people i know could go bankrupt in 15 minuntes), a cool pub place called Bugman's brewery... explaining to those who still dont know what i'm on about- i got dragged into doing Live Action Role PLay (not that kind of roleplay Gary!) and therefore acquired another personality. her name is Ailsa, she is a alf-cat, half human healer enchanter who likes being rude to people and generally misbehaves. the trouble is, i didnt know about the extend of misbehaviour until it was too late.... i chased an elf around all night because Ailsa decided she liked him. And offered a variety of people to have their kittens. most refused, even the big green troll with a bunch of ...erm.... flowers trying to "woo" people. translating into him coming up to random individuals who were wearing a dress(not an indicator of sex in LARP)and shouting WOO at them. Only worked with Dori a.k.a. Simal. then we got cornered by a very gay acting fairy who covered us in glitter, posed for the pictures and gave me, Simal and a dwarf woman who longed for her axe all night shiny bracelet things. those fairies..... *sigh*.....

now.... i need to go home, have a bath, wash clothes before they run off and get some work done.

all in all, a good weekend....

this was such a long time ago, it's hard to believe it ever happened at all. i was about 10 probably, maybe 11. Shortly after i found some interesting literature at the back of the bookshelf, obviously hidden from me. i read with amazement and desire those fairly simple and innocent(by my present standards) literary wonders about love between men and women, and HOW TO DO IT..... my life has never been the same since. every moment was occcupied by dreams about a prince on a white horse, being oh so terribly nice and good-looking, then marrying me(NOOOOO sex before marriage!!!) and doing nice things to me straight after, just like in the books. When i am 20, i though, ill be married, or at least engaged, with a baby by the time i was 22, and a perfect housewife. oh, and id work as a teacher. id stop being an ugly awkward kid who boys dont even talk to, and girls only tease....


how ver, VERY naive..... so, i am coming up 22, still unmarried and unengaged, lost any faith in church, girlie friends and *no sex before marriage, and not particularly regretting either. Not a virgin, not *together forever*, hurt and bitter. now, i NEVER EVER thought id end up here. licking blood off my arms once in a few weeks. not fit to be a nurse. knowing several reliable ways to commit suicide. surrounded by blokes who want me, for body and more.... tried and tested stuff from most daring lady novels, and beyond. i did, however, find my little other half, and im happy, despite having to kiss a fair amount of frogs to get there.

i used to be optimistic, sickly cheerful, shy, and incredibly smart. i liked to dress in blue and green. Now, i am throughly pessimistic,. diagnosed with depression, not so smart, and not at all shy. i dress mostly in black, and like it. black doesnt make a statement. and people tend to give you a little more space if youre dressed in black. i dont like to look to approacheable

i used to have morals. sex before marriage was one. not liking people-i know i was a delusional teenager, but i though it was wrong. never lying to your parents..... but i dont want my parents to have heart attacks!! oh, another one-no alcohol, or drugs. I managed to stay off drugs, but like a drink or two. or more....


oh, a funny one.... i thought rock music was chaotic, stupid noise. now live by it, it's somethingthat is often the only thing keeping me alive. i can relate to it. i am in love with noise....

im back again, and damn im busy.

went to ikea yesterday, and got myself a desk (very nice too), a coffee table and a couple of chairs for the kitcken, so people dont steal my chair by the boiler...

had a very nice dinner after that, and watched little shop of horrors, which is very, very random.... never trust a plant again......

went to work today, which was exciting as usual. that is, about as exciting as watching the paint dry.

been to the docs, which was just as uneventful. im down to 2 pills!!!:slon: hopefully, ill stop going hyper now without the sleeping pills.

i have a week and a bit to finish off all the evil work, and i am going to do it out of sheer bloodymindedness if nothing else... doesnt help that this is a very eventful week, going to nottingam on saturday (to pretend im someone else and stuff. no magic or waving a sword about this time though), it's dori's birthday on thursday, so need to get a pressie, and probably going drinkinies for that reason on friday. full time zombie job the rest of the time..... mmmmmm maybe bloodymindedness wont help.....



oh.... and i want a kitten!!!!!!!!:cat:

oh yeah, im a part of dori's present from Bunny. not what you thought, dirty minded hoologans!! shes going to a spa, and im accompanying her!!! wooo!!!!!


oh yeah, forgot to mention valentines.... i wondered downstairs at about 11pm, expecting chris to be at work till 7. scag didnt actually go to work, and came home at 12, which confused me a lot. i got a box of choccies, and City of angels DVD!!!! Feel really bad now, i didnt get him anything apart from a card... well, two cards. then we went out for a badly organised dinner, as we didnt book anything, and had to wait in Old Orleans till 9.30 to get food. but when we got it, it was veeery nice. especially the chocolate ice cream cruncy sundae without choccie ice cream. or crunchy bits. on a saturday...... :D and the rest of the night was pretty good too

we did however dress up and looked like a bad extra from Matrix-dressed in all black, with identical glasses..... hee hee.....

thats about it. im back to writing boring essays about the NHS now.....

"Вы - гот, child of darkness."

Огромные подведенные тушью глаза на белом от пудры лице, торчащие во все стороны волосы цвета вороньего крыла и черная одежда... Обычный человек может называть их ненормальными, сектантами или даже сатанистами, но сами они выбрали для себя другое имя: ГОТЫ. Это не дикие племена, предки германцев. Это люди в черном. Они хотят всем показать, что чернота у них снаружи и внутри. Корни готической эстетики - в средневековье, в мрачных временах чумных эпидемий и кровавого разгула инквизиции. Именно оттуда современные готы позаимствовали таинственную бледность, черные одежды и непонятное для остальных поклонение перед смертью.



Пройти тест "Какая субкультура Вам ближе?"

dear friends and relatives,

i totally forgot about my spooks collection. if any of you know any TRUE (that is, witnessed by you, or someone you trust) ghost stories, or stories of anything supernatural, i would really appreciate it if i could have it... if you want, i could post some of the stuff that i have already. what you say?

skiving work today, chris and mike failed to get me out of bed this morning...kinda makes me proud.

met up with THE TUTORS, who were empathy themselves, and decided i can finish the work for the module, and start again in january. so its all good. in the meantime, work is ok, if boring as sin. but at least i dont have to work with people, which is good.

went out last night-alvins birthday. alvin was pissed as a newt and managed to throw himself on chris and break his glasses( the only part of him that wasnt too broken yet) and hit his head on the wall. at which point we disappeared.

we are all going mental at work-constantly giggling at anything that could be remotely funny. or indeed not.... the only way to stay sane.... *come on get down with the tickness* was only one of the products of mikes caffeine overdosed imagination after 8 hours of adding up numbers, ticking stuff and being surprised at the thickness of the youth of today......

fed up with life and people. maybe just as well im not allowed into the hospital, fucking hate people at the momentl. not really for any reason, just do. or maybe there is a reason. maybe because most are stupid ignorant selfish sheep, and those who arent are constantly being kicked by others. and i have to watch. all that is loved by you will eventually become a painful guilty memory.

i dont know whether im just being depressed, bitter and maladaptive. or maybe i just see things that a lot of people dont. the fact that noone will save the world, that things wont get better, that there is no light at the end of the tunnel. noone will come and rescue you when you time comes to meet the dragon....

running out of energy. no motivation to do necessary nice things for those who i know need me. and i need them. people who are the only reason im still here. why do i have to care so much? it will all be the same after.....

no reason, no purpose, no life, no future. big hopes. then big fuckups. followed by little pathetic hopes...... and still nothing.

and you cant run away...... ever......IT NEVER GOES AWAY. i will forever sit there and hope for a day when i can sleep. a day without guilt and self hate. a day without wanting to see my own blood on the floor and being scared at the same time. just one day without tears.... just one day............

i have a job! yay! ok, so it's not exactly rocket science.... you just sit there and add up numbers all day, and are hated by GCSE students-it's double checking exam papers. my first-ever-full-time-non-nursey job...... im kinda excited..... and yes, i am aware that its probably the most boring job in the universe...but if im near Dori and Mike it'll still be fun.

i have THE MEETING on tuesday.... with THE TUTORS. dont know what theyre gonna say but im sure its nothing nice.

what else..... oh yeah, friday....... bit mad same as every friday. really cant describe it all, wait till the piccies come through :) its what you get when you get most of my friends in one place combined with a lot of alcohol. still, 15 year olds pissed on tequila are rather interesting.... -you know who you are!:inc:

we ended up at No-wave (except for lorena who was too pissed and had to be taken home), where i kinda got flunged across the dancefloor and spent the rest of the night hiding in the corner and snarling at people.... and i got 2 huuuge bruises now-my knees and elbows look like those of a 5 year old....

i stole this from mikes journal, just because i could not describe the current happenings better

here we go:

Coming soon to a toy store no-where near you
Annie Dolls XXXXII


The toy of the minute
See my housmates girlfriend in a variety of amusing clothes
From "Morning Annie"tm to "No-Wave Annie"
Including the rare and never seen "Smart dressed Annie"
Fully poseable for hours of amusment



Some explanation. Annie is, as said above, my housmates girlfriend. Shes a laugh and this idea came to me while we were talking on the bus goin down town. Annie would be the first to admit that she doesnt dress "conventionally" but then its no fun if they do. As such I was commenting that I hadnt seen her dressed up for interviews and stuff. She promises that she does but I dont believe her.

Other products to hit the market will include....

Dave's Patent "necrophilia for beginners" How to Book and Shovel
"The care and maintanence of your Pulse Rifle" by Neon
"Organise your personalities - A guide to gamers" by Mike
"Needlepoint in the nut house" Annie
"101 ways of making innocent objects into weapons" Al's enginnering Dept.

More releases will be forthcoming when we go mad and make some



In other news the painting is goin great. Did discover a wierd version of DIY based Kama-Sutra positions when trying to paint the banisters. Take two people, two paint brushes, one pot of paint and a space two small to paint in then try to paint opposite walls without getting tangled up in each other and generically covered in paint. Much silliness ensued.

fnerble......need to finish the painting so will stop getting bugged

Come to me, guardian angel,
Come from the depths of the night
Wrap me in gentle delusions,
Tell me that i'll be alright....

Angel of sadness and tears-
comfort in your arms i find,
share with me all my fears,
Stay with me until the light....

Look at me as I stand there before you-
On the thin line between death and life.
And my future is nothing but darkness,
And my past's just a dry autumn leaf....

struggling to meet the deadliine does not quite describe my state at the moment. i can still concentrate for about 15 minutes a day, and it isnt really enough..... generally, i think im buggered.....

<-----me

well i said this before and i have to say it again. writing in here tends to give you something called *acute webdiary dislexyc syndrome*, or by the name of its discoverer (and sufferer) *the annie syndrome*

warning-this is very wide spread, affecting most webjournal users. most sufferers do not notice they are affected until somone points it out to them. denial is also often the case

theresore, NO pointing out my spelling mistakes!! i am a near perfect speller in 3 languages!!! this is a weankess, not a reason to laugh at me!!!!!!:offtopic:

something makes me think the world quietly swapped itself with some otheeer alternate reality..... scags' house is warm, the tap isnt leaking all over the place, and i'm going hyper..... in fact, i'd appreciate if someone had a good tranquiliser. today, i have been to town, opened a savings account, applied for a few more jobs, went to homebase, bought paint, painted a lot of the house Smurf colour (needs a second coat) and finished off some off the more tricky embroidery.

i have a plan. there might be a demand for dice bags.... if there is, im rich!!! but i need to try making then first, and knowing me i is going to go tits up..... grrrrrahhhh

thats it. im not even tired...... crap......

gwargh