<script src="http://webneko.net/n200402.js"> href="http://webneko.net" id=nl>Neko

feeling all weird all day. well, since friday actually. hopefully just withdrawal, otherwise i dont know....

little m00 got herself voc ex with some poncy top designer person. pffff, i hung around the hospital like a lemon for a week for my voc ex..... <------ kinda like that

work is ok. trying to keep my foot firmly outside the mouth by not saying exactly what i think about girlie movies, pop music and boybands. its hard........ im kinda mostly managing.... i dunno. i knew there was a reason girls avoid me. however, arranging choccies into neat little piles is great fun! i know, i know, im sad....

talking about girlie films-saw Mona Lisa Smile last night with Dori. Now, what do i think about it *puts on art critics hat*...... the plot was rather clver, acting amazing. Juia Roberts rarticulary good. however, the general impression was way too Holliwood, was too sugar coated and prettified. now, the aim was presumably to show the wrongness of vies and morals of 50s America, which was all well and good, until the point in which the Julia Roberts' character fails her mission and leaves, which left me personally wondering-WHAT is the story saying exactly? i couldnt help but feel that by letting the system win in this case the movie upholds the ideals of the 50s housewife...... i know im being confused and probably wrong, but so was the movie. Even a considerable amount of pretty dresses didnt save it in my eyes. as for frequent happy-glossy hollywood family scenes-just made me want to scream. hopefully, that was the idea....... anyway,

went and picked up a tax form today-the bloody pikeys are taking off most of my money for tax... and what am i supposed to live on? apple cores? honestly. bloody bureaucrats. *shakes fist at the Government*

noone is replying to my desperate emails about moving out, so im still living between two homes, which annoys me rather a lot. actually, most things are annoying me rather a lot at the moment, particularly the fact that my body seems to lag about a second and i risk falling over every time i move. bloody pills.... bloody surgery receptionists..... do they breed them to be horrible scags or is it an evolutionary thing?

sorry about a variety of rants today. i am really ok. more or less. yeah..... ignore the rants.

ive promised to myself ill try posting every day..... not because i want to bore people with my ramblings, more to have something for myself.

today, i woke up late, but hyper. remembered the dreams ive had, and hid under the covers. just fucking weird. including the one in which my doctor said i dont need medication anymore..... i was like, "but but....... " I was terribly upset for some reason. maybe im a closet junkie...

the police are looking for me..... mike got a worried phonecall from Sumitra this morning, saying that police have been round, and thet thorntons have called and that theyre really worried. i think they found my bag. otherwise, im worried. what if i turn up there today, and find out they want to section me, although im not sure you can section someone because of the contents of their handbag. then again, it was MY handbag. it could be lethal, especially in combination with the anarchist cookbook....

had a few worrying but amusing conversations this morning. it involved:
-dogs and cats having spikey penises
-horse penises being very human lloking and exceptionally huge.
-frog sex
-how id like to ride a horse in a long dress and a hat (NOT in a sexual way before you ask!!!! dirty buggers!)



right, run out of rants. btw, im out of medication. this can cause side effects, such as suicidal feelings, panic attacks, anxiety and psychosis......

life is progressively weird. just as you thought it cant get any more screwed up, it does, but that isnt something we didnt know already. a lot of deep-and-meaningfulls happened on tuesday, which i feel have helped things move on , and maybe start resolving themselves. anyway, i feel better. i know where i belong now.

i have losty my pointy hat substitute, which is a tragedy...... with it gone are-my phone, my purse, the entire make-up kit, and about 100 g of bestest, purest, and most illegal viennese truffles........ woe is me.......

need's night was also resolving in many ways..... i was glad to find out Dori is feeling angry. Need has a girlfriends, which is also good. and no pikeys were there, so i didnt attmpt to sacrifice myself to the greater good of freeing the world of pikeys.... Nic also spoke to me, we are going to meet up and have a heart to heart. maybe she can bring me back to life, after all, shes been through similar shit, and probably more of it....

anyway, just joined my 3rd game-vampire LARP. i have a vampire -witch character, who i kinda like. i am going to call her Lucidique. i really hope she doesnt do what Ailsa did and make over my life from time to time randomly.........





well this is about all the news from my fucked up little life for now........

this is what happends when i cant sleep..... some sort of alien creativity kicks in to stop me from being bored and leaves me with masterpieces such as this-just dont laught oo much....

Death, take my hand
And guide me in this darkness.
Without your help, I am forever lost.
Please show me how to make it painless
To those who it would hurt the most….

I long to be in your eternal warmness,
I want to be away and free,
In peaceful all-forgiving darkness
With no more pain to haunt my dreams

I’ll follow in you quiet footsteps,
Go right in to the land of dead
Learn all the long forgotten secrets,
And live without the pain and dread

found this in my folders..... wonder how many random rants i have sitting around the place?..... this is all depressed and philosophical, so dont bother reading...

08/10/03

Here I am, sitting all on my own, and it’s too late to really do anything. I’ve turned all the lights off, letting the full moon and a candle to light my room. Feeling all creative, in a lazy kind of way, and happy. It’s strange, feeling so happy, peaceful and satisfied. I can’t say I am too happy about being so happy, but then again, I wasn’t happy about being unhappy either. This is what I wanted, surely? Or did I really like being all depressed, with people (and myself) feeling sorry for me? I don’t know. I wish I could have all the answers….I am so confused…. Not sure about who I am, or what I am meant to do, or what is right and what isn’t…. and afraid of what will come next, whatever it is. I thought we were meant to learn as we grow up, I feel as if I have gone back, lost some of myself. Although I have probably learned some things too. Got less naïve and more angry. I remember when I was younger, I thought everyone was good, everyone was right, and I have enough love for everyone-it will never run out. Since then, I learned that people can be annoying, and spiteful, and aggressive, and I have not been put here to be patient and kind to everyone. That someone should think of me too. That it is not possible to love everyone, and its ok to be annoyed and angry at people. That I am not as good myself as I always thought. I am egotistical and attention seeking at times-and-there’s nothing wrong with it!! I always knew I wanted to be a nurse- and I still do, but I used to think that was because I was a nice, kind, caring person. That’s a lie. I want to be a nurse, but true reasons for it are dark and not quite so attractive. Being a nurse puts me in control and gives me authority. It stops me feeling useless and makes me feel like I am doing something good, something that makes everyone automatically love me. Having never been accepted fully in any social group, I have gone into nursing thinking that maybe I will be accepted there, maybe not for what I am but for what people perceive me to be-which is wrong. I think I just realised that. What am I doing??

GOING TO TEAR SOMEBODIES FUCKING THROAT OUT......STAY AWAY MOTHERFUCKERS

im going out and going to mosh my little heart out. im wearing TROUSERS. everything is fucked.........



FUCK IT ALL
FUCK THIS WORLD
DONT GIVE A SHIT
DONT EVER JUDGE ME

you can close your eyes and really sleep...........

some unknown power keeps me alive and sane, however doing anything productive with my time and/or money is getting rather difficult. getting mildly fed up with all the internal politics of this house, and the fact that im am being *given space*, or rather, avoided, and treated like something that might explode at any minute. with extreme caution.... im not about to die!!

generally, just drifting along for the time being, waiting for things to get untangled and perfectly fine. apart from that-apathy. complete apathy. perfectly functioning well preserved zombie.

wanna wanna wanna wanna



a pretty dress
a gingerbread house. With central heating.
summer
love and peace
an easy happy life
be able to write songs like Courtney
some furniture would be really nice
to be a nurse
to be able to stop my friends from being hurt and upset
to be a rock star
sweeties
pointy hat. i am actually getting one apparently
a pet amoeba
agreable parents
a baby. or a kitten
to speak to fairies
inflict some pain on Ben
loud music and a moshpit


one of the dreams has just come true. i work in a chocolate shop and am therefore everybodys best frind

not quite sure what is going on with me once again. all i know is that i will come out of this situation either more bruised and broken, and more cynical, or dead.... not sure i can take any more inflicting pain on human race. (yes, i know, people hurt themselves, but....... it just doesnt feel that way, and nothing you say will make it right)....

spending a lot of time in my head, trying to sort out all the rubbish in there. unfortunately, brains cant be spring cleaned, so it remains cluttered and confused. something deliberately stops me from thinking things i really should think about. im thinking some sort of a protective system....

now, about ALL THAT..... i dont know what to say. every time i try to explain myself, i have to suppress the urge to scream that i didnt mean to hurt anyone, i didnt want to be a nuisance to anyone, didnt want anyone losing sleep over me...... and then run and run and run.... and then find a dark corner to curl up in, and cry........but i dont, little brave me, i try to resolve the situation, handle it on my own, protect everyone from everything, not let anyone get hurt...... and i fail every time.

some last dose of adrenaline, or maybe oestrogen, keeps me going for now, not giving me a chance to look back. how long is it going to last?

not heard from chris in a long time, and starting to get worried. what if i was too late? although im sure if i was i would get dismembered by his mother before i knew it. but what if?........ scared of calling him, in case i ruin it. there just isnt a way of knowing if he's ok, and i wish there was, just so i knew i have undone the pain i caused. just so i know someone i care about isnt suffering. why do i care? he still doesnt give a damn about what he did to me. to him, it was all a mistake, and he thinks he can correct it with an "im sorry, i didnt think", or "sorry, i didnt mean it". why do people do things they dont mean? magic feels like a big big creature sucking on your brain like a giant strawberry flavoured lollipop. still, it felt resolved, good. would this power want to mislead me? no way of knowing........

my mood has finally moved on from MM to Hole. speaking of which, Courtney has apparently released a new single-will have to keep an eye out for it, although with my financial circumstances all ill be able to do is lick windows in the record shop. (which will naturally make it a Special Bus)

need munny..... however noone wants my soul or my body, or noone who can offer any amout of money.... bottoms....that with lots of interesting events coming up and the lack of wardrobe is BAAAAD

all the girlies-have a great day, i love you all!