A is for - Age: 21. old.......... or 3 in cat years
B is for - Boyfriend/Girlfriend: yup, the scag. oh, and my wife too
C is for - Career in Future: just let me qualify....... ill be happy sticking needles in people again.......
D is for - death
E is for - Essential item: handbag :)
F is for - Favourite song at the moment: anything by MM. As always
G is for - Guy/Girls you've kissed: 4 guys/about 8 gurls...... lost count
H is for - Hometown: Daugavpils
I is for - Instruments you play: Nerves.... hee hee
J is for - Job title: till munkeh at a choccie shop
L is for - Living places: at the moment, the nuthouse in guildford, during holidays-Esatbourne
M is for - Memory of the day: ginger choccies are NIIIIIIIICE
N is for - Number of people slept with: 2.
O is for - Overnight hospital stays: A few. most of them as a nurse not as a patient though
P is for - Phobias: dont think so. im brave like that. oh, big undead unicorns. And wraiths.......
Q is for - Quote you like: i thought one of the Murphy's combat laws described my weekend very well. *try to look unimportant. they might be low on ammo*
R is for - Relationship that lasted the longest: 3 years. the previous one. this one is close to that, and definitely happier
S is for - Sexuality: confused
T is for - Time you wake up everyday: about 10am these days.
U is for - Unique trait(s):ive been told im just generically unique. not sure if its an insult or a compliment........ :s
V is for - Vegetable you love: mike :P
W is for - Worst habit: Ailsa.....being bossy. being a community girlfriend. lots more ive been told
X is for - How many Xrays have you had? a few. lots of chest ones
Y is for - Yummy food you make: dunno. i take stuff, fry it till you cant recognise it. scags love it :)
Z is for - Zodiac sign: come on. Leo

they love you when you're on All the covers, When you're not, then they love Another.......

guess who's in MM mood again.....


back from LT- it was pretty cool, lots of runing about with a sword, healing silly things and drinking and flirting to keep Ailsa happy for a long time. however, i discovered that i am not built for sleeping on the ground when its raining and cold and....... grrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I found my haematite, the blood stone. i remember i was given a heamatite necklace when i was a teen-and it somehow made me a bit more confident. made me have less *fat and ugly days*, or rather, have some not *fat and ugly days*

chris gave me a stone, nearly 5 years ago now-a large silver-black stone, smooth and cool to touch. Haematite..... im looking at it now-it meant so much all those years ago. does it care how much has changed? it was given to me by someone who believed in magic. hell, he believed in things like love, and living-happily-ever-after.....Now, he alone and cold, gone into the world i tried for years to drag him out of.... and actually got somewhere. what have i done? what has he done?


DID YOU THINK IT'S COOL
TO WALK RIGHT UP
TO TAKE MY LIFE
AND FUCK IT UP?
WELL, DID YOU?

had a fun day out with daddy. would have been better if he didnt treat me like a 5 year old and didnt assume im interested in antiques. the only kind antiques i WAS interested in im not allowed to have dealings with as i am not safe. sorry, a bit bitter today..... just a tad

not going to download anymore-absolutely no way i can afford it even if i suck up to parental units while selling my body and soul. oh well. not the first time, and not the last. well, i say

work think im not aesthetically pleasing- i am to wear long sleeves for when the area manager- in case they get upset i guess. oh, im so sorry.... HA

shouldnt be bitchy...... shouldnt.... be...... bitchy!!!! argh. give up

hair update-spent 3 (THREE!!!!) hours at the hairdressers, endured the evil hairdressing students looking F-A-S-H-I-O-N-A-B-L-Eputting foil over my face, pulling my hair, brushing my ears and doing other such heathen things. however, i now have -TA DA!-cool hair with red bits. not yet sure what Ailsa will think about it. Somehow dont think she'll be impressed. i also keep catching myself spelling her name wrong and then getting annoyed. hmmmm.....

other than that...... revenue reckon i have too much money, so theyre not going to give me any. it seems to them that anyone under the age of 25 doesnt not get hungry. now im waiting for the tax office to tell me they didnt REALLY tax me at the basic rate and didnt REALLY commandeer millions of my hard earned pounds. ARSE.

lt is this weekend. mixed feelings about it. well, not really-Ailsa cant wait to go. Annie is not so sure..... here we go again. Mike, you will pay for this!! *shakes fist*

MY natural patience and carefully if artificially cultivated assertiveness are back. i seem to have stopped turning into jelly every time something bad happends. at least for now....self preservation instinct...... innit...... :D maybe the FATE finally decided to give me a break before more interesting midnight discussions with local mental health services.......

had an I-N-T-E-R-E-S-T-I-N-G day. or a few weeks to be honest. Tree is being a dick-thats pretty much the headline for the past week.

also more and more contact with the NHS. for me and others. NHS isnt very good. i think what we need is LSD in water supplies.

hair update-hair went short, black with blue and purple extensions.

blagh

*insert noodle goth poetry here*

i think i might have found a path.... to something...... maybe happiness, maybe doom


lol

DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

oops

sorry really spaced out. might be the weather

soooo up and down.... dont know what my mood is going to be next minute.....trying to keep myself occupied, but it isnt helping much....

so, do not actually know what is going on.....had a weird episode last week, not sure what brought it on, but i feel it fucked things up just that little bit more.... i dont like it that what i do scares people.....

nic tried to put me off-showed me her leg. she got upset-one of her friends died-and ended up with stitches.... not ssure how, but this just encouraged me.... gave me ideas.... not good is it.....

bought myself a schoolgirl dress..... again, not sure why, just seemed like a good idea at the time....

work is ok. erm. green things are growing, vaguely. bathroom been desinfected/exorcised....


hair being done tomorrow.......

why am i writing Bridget Jones style?

THEY SLIT OUR THROATS
LIKE WE WERE FLOWERS
AND OUR MILK HAS BEEN
DEVOURED
WHEN YOU WANT IT
IT GOES AWAY TOO FAST
WHEN YOU HATE IT
IT ALWAYS SEEMS TO LAST
BUT JUST REMEMBER WHEN YOU THINK
YOU'RE FREE
THE CRACK INSIDE YOUR FUCKING HEART IS ME

(THOUGHT, NOT SPOKEN):
I WANNA OUTRACE THE SPEED OF PAIN FOR ANOTHER DAY

I WISH I COULD SLEEP
BUT I CAN'T LAY ON MY BACK
BECAUSE THERE'S A KNIFE
FOR EVERYDAY THAT I'VE KNOWN YOU

WHEN YOU WANT IT
IT GOES AWAY TOO FAST
WHEN YOU HATE IT
IT ALWAYS SEEMS TO LAST
BUT JUST REMEMBER WHEN YOU THINK
YOU'RE FREE
THE CRACK INSIDE YOUR FUCKING HEART IS ME

(THOUGHT, NOT SPOKEN):
I WANNA OUTRACE THE SPEED OF PAIN FOR ANOTHER DAY

LIE TO ME, CRY TO ME, GIVE TO ME
I WOULD
LIE WITH ME, DIE WITH ME, GIVE TO ME
I WOULD
KEEP ALL YOUR SECRETS WRAPPED IN DEAD HAIR ALWAYS
I HOPE AT LEAST WE DIE HOLDING HANDS
FOR ALWAYS

just went out and got some pretty undies..... im getting a bit adventurous, its all a bit.... exciting. also want a white dress.....

had training at work, which was boring as fcuk- they think they can teach me communication, empathy and how to read body language?..... teach ME? ME????? DONT THEY KNOW WHO I AM???? ahem.... i mean..... oops.

Al wants to be turned on into Lestat. trying to tell him being Lestat is more about attitude then looks-and Stuart Townsend was a perfect Lestat...... grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr baby......... how can ANYONE look so tasty in a ponsy shirt?......

opened a few of my closed entries..... nothing to hide anymore.......


getting all confused by meself. had a few good chats with Chris. it really helped, but there is still stuff that i dont understand, and noone apart from me can sort out. mood swings are getting unbearable, dont know what i want anymore...... nothing helps. paranoid, anxious, panicky, cant find any peace of mind. trying to hide-from myself, from the world. no energy left, no strength to deal with the outside world... how do you run away from yourself?

my head hurts.... Ahh, loud music, that should help :D

work sucks mightily.... too many people around. Everyone seems to have gone totally nuts because someone died and got brought back a few thousand years ago. this memorable event for some reason makes people go psychotic and buy their weight in chocolate. i mean, wtf? and then they expect you grow an extra arm out of your arse and ice a Shakspeare play on a 10x10 cm egg while giftwrapping someone's mum and telling someone else that *kinda longish chocolates in a box* isd not a sufficient amount of detail to actually find the bloody things. oh, and dont even get me started on workmates.....

ooops, was just talking to Antje, a german i know from college, and she got some random latvian from her uni, Ilze, and im now talking to her, in my awful latvian......

so shocked that forgot what else i was about to write

*confuzzled*

another day gone...... a random pick-and-mix of viennese truffles, infinite sadness, horrible weather and bossy people. feeling alien and not accepted whenever i leave the house. when im outside, i feel like a little lost girl who can never get anything quite right, with plenty of people there to tell me what to do.

quoted MM in counselling session.

<-----me feels like this

just back from a classical concert. was all dressed up in a sensible (kinda) dress and SHOES. was kinda dissappointed few people actually made an effort, and the venue was a bit dodgy too. sorry, but classical music has to be CLASSY. But all in all, it was very good, i had a great time, the music was very impressive, and Bunny's theory was proven wrong-i can enjoy music when there is no moshpit involved. however, a bit in the song, *lamb of God, have mersy on us*, made me think of a Manson song that stuck in my head for the rest of the concert..... hmmmmm

work sucks. i decided i dont like my workmates at all. way too girlie, way too judgemental and slag each other off when theyre not around. oh, and their political views are informed strictly by The Sun. pfffff

money seems to go somewhere totally bypassing me. me and my bank balance are in eternal struggle with each other.....

apart from that........ still fragile and vulnerable.... noone seems to care though......

i think im ok...... kinda happy, im a fragile way. holding on to little things. hit another all-time low, then my body dragged itself out and bitchslapped itself about a bit. so im trying. maybe spring is taking over little by little after all. maybe ill be ok in the end.....

other arent good. life is a bitch, you either try to drag yourself out, and maybe succeed, or try to help others, and fail. the hardest choice i ever have to make. this time last year i promised i will take care of myself and wont let anyone hurt me anymore. HA......

well, im going to take advantage of feeling ok while it lasts, since it wont last for long.

*I will be back once it stops raining on me. *


MM
AD

(from MM journal)

i am going to marry this man..................

wont go into too much detail.
it all self explanatory. even the most elastic of things will eventually streth as much as it can and break. its soo bad too many people have depended on it. its too bad people thought it couldnt break, that it was tougher than that..... something somewhere would give way and snap and make one hell of a mess.....

it got close last night.
very close, but it doesnt scare me.
the fact that it doesnt scare me....... scares me

it was quite funny actually
all those people running around like i was going to die.
i wont go
not without a letter first.
i think ill get writing
just in case


*this was never my world*
*you took the angel away*
*i killed myself to make*
*everybody pay*

angry
sad
MM
hate people
therapy
leave me alone
3.75g Zopliclone
dreams of dead things
sharp things
what do i want?