...сколько прошло времени? Считаю: декабрь, январь, февраль, март, апрель, май, инюнь, июль, август. Восемь с лишним месяцев сплошной абстракции и тумана.

Пишу куда-то не понять куда, в пустоту. Номер телефона утерян, эта запись - моя последняя надежда. Что делать дальше - я уже не знаю...

В колонках играет - Nancy Sinatra - Bang-Bang

[205x697]Настроение сейчас - равнодушное

Winter affects my brain - it starts working at a much slower pace. It is hard for me to identify who I really am and what I am supposed to do. I admire people whose activity levels jump at this time of year. These people run along Tyumen's slushy streets and stoically sit in their cars trying to maneuver through traffic jams. They are the real heroes...

The real reason that I am feeling confused this winter is everywhere around me. The whole city is literally covered with this reason.

...

We made some plans for the future. The main thing was that I felt happiness without any special conditions and with no disadvantages - just inevitable happiness. I did not idealise him, and over time I saw a real man who had many real problems and  vices. But this made me love him all the more.

I kept each single moment spent with him in my mind. My terrible temper turned into tenderness. My impatience in everything turned into the ability to understand and to wait for things to evolve.

I started to get nervous when he left and tried to get some absolution from him. He did not like that. It is very painful when someone you love loses interest in you. It is painful to realize he was just interested...

Time passed. Many innocent guys experienced my selfishness and cynicism. I never confessed to any of them that I still loved him.

I admire people whose activity can rise in the winter. My brain is out of service...