Arrgh wha' the hell is standin'..?!
It's just llike everything's beating off the skies and jumping all around...
Curse it all! Yeah, it's cool for some time... but goddamn ther's no oth' way to get through!!!
This creeping stubborness is disappointin'... Very disappointing!
Too bad for taking no sleep... And now it's even further than before... Will we ever be free from this distant freedom?! I wonder why is that for... Have sins a price..?
But don't give up... No more... In the end, you can always do that... But fighting on and lookin' further is somewhat more sensefull...

If only thess creeping zombie bats would stop flying around... Just for a little bit...
Linking iterators... failed again... damn...

@music: Godsmack - Livin' In Sin
[700x525]

Now I understand. There will be even more suffering than before.
But there is no mistake. The light is becoming brighter...
And this is the way to the absolute and eternal love. This is the price for the happiness. We'll go through this. I swear.
We'll go through. And in the end, there will be nothing, that can separate us.

Just believe me. The raven will guide us. From this on, there is no misunderstanding. No more secrets, no more regrets, no more past..

I love you, my angel. I'll be with you till the end of the Universe.

@music: Scorpions - Send Me an Angel
[700x525]

Now or never.
I swear, I won't go back. No more. If love is true, it will be revealed today.
I am sacrificing everything now. I swear, that if she rejects a favour, I shall die.
If you love a person, there is no chance of betrayal.
This is the only truth...

Now or never.

@music: Ария - Потерянный рай
[700x525]

The fog has been surrounding all day long. Was that because of those dead thoughts? Or the other way round?
Fog is my home.
But finally I've come to realize that hope only brings suffer. Without hope there is nothing to fight for, just emptiness. And this fog. I was sure to have lost everything. I was so sure to be left alone once again. Why... Why is that past always hunting me..? Why?!
The price, right? But what if...

What if happiness is something we don't deserve? Because we've been already given a chance to live. Without any sacrifices. And all the time and pain is not the price for the future... But only for this chance...

The distance... The time... The space... What's it all for?
And even now, I can't get rid of those feelings. Like being manipulated! I'm a psycho..! Was it all planned before?
I'm starving of tenderness and care... Want to feel love... It's not enough just to know that! It's not enough... Words, and touch, and kisses, and tears... Don't you need it? Don't you care about it? Is it all right with you just to ..dream.. about love?!

Leave the dreams for the dead.
Please.
Because we are alive.
And we love.

@music: Linkin Park - My December
[700x525]

Железная дверь защелкнулась за спиной, оставив лишь слабое эхо в сумеречном воздухе. Призрачный свет фонарей освещал уютные дома, спящие деревья и небольшую пешеходную дорожку, ведущую к остановке. Странно было в который раз видеть этот укромный уголок, где небольшой парк и городская жизнь слились воедино, сотворив новый мир с порой неожиданными ощущениями. Верхушки деревьев, небо и луна... и больше ничего. А город словно остался за стеклянной стеной. Виден свет фар пролетающих мимо машин, но машин, проносящихся беззвучно, словно воспоминания.

"Love..."

Уставший город медленно остывал под влиянием опускавшейся на землю прохладной зимней ночи. Где-то под ногами промелькнула кошка. Из-за ограды донеслось жалобное мяуканье, оборвавшееся воинственным кошачьим кличем, а затем все снова стихло...

"Angel is sad again. Bad time, bad place, bad word... Why does it have to be so? Why can't I be next to her when she's really in need? I just want to touch her, kiss her, hold her close...
It's just a feeling comes - something's wrong again. But no answer. No call, no message. Not even a single word "Help me...". She's always taking her feelings inside. Telling them to someone else. And the one who's the last to know it.. is me..."

Мимо проехал автобус. Следующего ждать около часа. Слишком долго. Придется снова лезть в скучную и тесную маршрутку. Среди деревьев уже виднелась пустынная остановка...

"Why am I to create all those fears? It's like I'm really trying to end this, just can't find a proper reason. But I don't want to... Am I lying to myself? I guess no... Then why? If only I could be standing there next to her every day, giving her courage and hope. Taking her bad thoughts and entrusting her with light... But it always goes the other way round. Just tired of being sorry..."

Из-за поворота вылетела уставшая маршрутка и с характерным визгом проскользила по мокрому асфальту. Передняя дверь открылась и с соседнего водительскому места сошел мужчина и зашагал прочь. Водитель отчаянно жестикулировал и что-то объяснял сидящему рядом пассажиру. Что ж, по крайней мере не придется давиться в салоне. Захлопнулась дверь, и шофер вдавил педаль газа. До слуха донесся видимо уже давно начатый монолог:

- ...У нас ведь домашние пассажиры, верно? Все любят поесть, поспать. Надо будет в следующий раз захватить пирожков с картошкой и мягких подушек. Все для наших дорогих пассажиров...

Спустя несколько секунд становится ясно, что этот монолог изрекает сам водитель, успевая при этом и за дорогой следить, и по сторонам повертеться. Из салона доносится слабый голосок:

- На стоматологии остановите...
- Да-да-да! - отвечает громкий бас. - Конечно. Стоматология - это у нас обязательная остановка. Не волнуйтесь, дорогие пассажиры. Но сначала у нас поворот. На повороте никто не выходит? - Секундное молчание. - Понятно. Но зато заходят, - продолжает комментатор. За то время, пока девушка поднималась в салон, у шофера уже появилась новая тема для разговора.

От внезапного возгласа пассажиры вздрогнули:

- Ух ты! Что это там, опять авария? - спрашивает водитель, указывая на пару легковушек за перекрестком, мигающих аварийными огнями. - Ну что ж ты будешь делать, сейчас это чуть ли не на каждом углу. Погода такая, скользко вокруг. Однажды случай был, подъезжал к остановке, уже почти затормозил, пассажиры как всегда на ходу выскакивали, и вдруг удар - и затем темнота. Открываю глаза и вижу, что лечу на всех парах прямо в гущу иномарок. Стуки, крики, где-то мимо бокового стекла пролетело собственное колесо. Задний бампер затерялся где-то на крыше. Как оказалось, троллейбус на скользкой дороге в меня врезался, прямо возле остановки, а сам потом сиганул в реку... Стоматология, дорогие пассажиры, кто просил - выходим, пожалуйста. Не торопитесь, берегите свое здоровье. Следущая у нас мельни...
- На мельнице, - со вздохом облегчения выдавил паренек, сидящий рядом с шофером.
- Очень хорошо. Мельница - хорошая остановка. Затем у нас костюмы. Костюмы есть? Нет, а развилка? - Судя по звуковым помехам из салона, "развилка была". - Ну вот и отлично. Значит, сейчас прямиком до развилки...

На несколько секунд воцарилась тишина.

- Ах, что ж ты будешь делать... - с досадой глядя на входящую женщину, прокричал водитель. - Вот сейчас бы над чужими огородами домчались до развилки, а там уже и до дома недалеко. Что ж вы, девушка, не могли подождать Петю? Там Петя сзади едет, потом скажет, что Володя прошелся тут бронепоездом и всех-всех-всех пассажиров собрал. А Володе придется потом чипсы Пете покупать, чтобы не обижался.

На развилке маршрутка должна была выехать на главную улицу под весьма неудобным острым углом. Поэтому Володя стал заранее выглядывать в боковые стекла.

- Ну вот, сейчас мы проскочим.. Ан нет.. Что ж ты так, побоялся. Сейчас бы уже ехал себе на всех парах. Как же, не побоишься тут, когда у тебя полный салон пассажиров. Вот не побоишься так один раз, и потом 15 лет домой добираться будешь. А ну, Вам Читать далее...

And it comes. The demon has been named. At least the enemy is not invisible any more. Cccchhhk... .Daaamn!! And it strikes back.. Huh... Easy prey, yeah? I won't give up that bad... I won't give up!

[And now I look through my minds eye,
And see where my past needs to rest...]

Pain is the price to be. The price to live. And while it lasts, I can be sure the soul is still alive. Hiding somewhere deep inside from these beasts. I can only hope, it is safe back there.. RrrraH!!

[It's always disturbed by these voices,
That echo inside of my head..]

I'm not sure how long... How strong. I don't know. But I've seen its face. And that is already enough to carry on the fight. Hope somebody will notice. Somebody surely will. Fight for dignity... Or not? I don't have time to decide. From now on, time does not exist for me. Eternal fight...

[Another way that I can hide,
Another reason to crawl inside
And get away
From everything
And everywhere
And everyone...]

[NO!!!]

Hmm.. I'm starting to like it... Strange. The feeling of pain. And life. And those voices. I want to destroy them... Mmmm.. Anyway.
Don't come close to me. Don't touch me, cause I might not notice you. Don't risk your soul... Cause I don't have one now. And I'm desperately seeking for something to replace it. Don't make unnecessary sacrifices...

[Its all these demons haunting me,
Its all these little things trapped inside of me..
Releasing me from all my sin...!]

Blast. Flash. Darkness, then light again... Aaah, yes, I'm getting it now. Blood, flesh, fallen angels, risen devils... What comes next? Visions from the past.. Kiss..! It is painful... But... interesting.. Indeed... DAMN! Head is crashing..!

[It's taken me all of my anger,
And taken me all of my hate
To learn how my life came together...
Releasing the demons......]

[Again!]

But there is a reason, right..? Angel... Are you still with me..?

@music: Godsmack - Releasing the Demons
[700x525]

Слушать этот музыкальный файл

Take us away... From here... To the place where we belong...

The feeling of eternity and freedom, feeling of light and space. When everything around becomes so important and senseless at the same time... And it feels like a piece of sun in the darkness inside you...

It is true. We do love... It's wonderful, amazing... It's just.. I lack words, I lack imagination to express it... Just as predicted... But in the end, does it matter? We are in Love, and everything else is just a matter of place and time.

Together. Forever. My darling... One more wonder in this world...

@music: Faye Wong - Eyes On Me
[700x525]

The world of mysteries can't save the principle of being the world when all of its secrets are gone. So oblivious fall, so tremendous nature of the sky and stars. What are we to have the right to destroy the worlds..?

Let me show you one thing. Have you ever tried being a puppetmaster? Do you see beauty in the movements of a doll, if you know that these are created by you? Can you enjoy it after the doll falls onto the ground?
When a human understands something, he becomes able to control it. But instead he can no longer feel the beauty of it.

God did not create humans in the image of itself. God knows what Love means. That is why he is not capable. To love.
Humans were gifted with this ability. To see beauty of the nature, of the souls of the other creatures. But they are not supposed to seek the reason. Beacuse it is hidden inside'em.

As soon as you understand love, you love no more. The feeling of light is something that cannot be expressed in words, but can only be felt through. That is why in order to gain truth one must sacrifice everything. All of his dreams and wishes. Everything and everyone he loves. He will control the feelings of the others, he will be able to make anybody to fall in love with him. But.. Gods don't love anyone.

Arigato, Mink. Thanks to you I've realized it. We are not Gods, we are just humans. As for me, I don't wanna go anywhere alone. And never wanted to. Raven is the symbol of love, not the love itself. So let it stay this way.

My own way is over. From this on we are walking together. I'm by your side forever, angel.
We can't say what love is, so we can't be sure if we do love. And that is why words "I love you" depend on our only wish. To love.

We are only to hope for this...

@music: Kurt Harland - Ozar Midrashim
[700x525]

It's going wild again. Damn... When is it gonna stop..?!

The beast is waking up again. There is no mistake. Fury and pain are starting to flush the air around. Lightnings strike into the mind, distort the reality. And like before, impossible to control.
And I thought it was dead. I thought, it was over. It was supposed to become just an illusion of past, it had to die with that fairy tale of the waterfall... But for some reason, it didn't.

Snow has become some kind of a relief. It's easier to hold it down in the foggy heavy snowfall. But the darkness in this weather comes earlier. Yeah, it's easier to hide in the darkness. And light music slows it down a bit. Hope, it'll be enough.

This time nobody gets hurt. I promise. It won't get near her. Not any more. Keep distance. And it will be fine.

But still, I'm worried about her. How's she feeling? What is she doing? I wish she would call. What is she dreaming about? Isn't she lonely there? I hope she's not. She's not writing, isn't calling, so, maybe I shouldn't disturb her.
I wonder what's the weather like there, by her place. Is it also beautiful?

I miss you...

@music: aluto - Michi ~ to you all
[700x525]

Innocence is brilliant.. No pain and sorrow. Just hope and light.
It's hard to realize that some things are lost in the hurricane of the past legends. But... The time has a structure of a spiral. It has been said so many times...
And that means, we are not lost. As long as we live, as long as there is a desire, there is a chance.

If only I could tear out those cursed things inside us...
The destiny has shown the illusion. Like a scary dream.
That's enough. I quit.

The third answer was supposed to be about happiness.
But now it's clear.. This is not something you can understand by yourself.
Whatever the fate is, I'll stay by her side. Till the end.
I'm with you, angel.

@music: Godsmack - Hollow
[700x525]

Слушать этот музыкальный файл

[I want a cup that overflows with love..
Although it's not enough to fill my heart.
I want barrel full of love although..
I know it's not enough to fill my heart.
I want a river full of love but then..
I know the holes will still remain.
I need an ocean full of love although..
I know the holes will still remain.

And the Swiss cheese heart knows,
all the kindness can fill its holes.
And love will dry my tears..
as pain disappears...]

Our lives. Our instincts. How disgusting we become sometimes. So much, that we can't see our doings from the side.
Dignity. We lose dignity. Instead we gain pride. Ridiculous, sick pride. And when recognising own self, own beast among those inhumans...

Dogs are not crucified for being animals, because they are supposed to be. But people are supposed to be humans. Unleashing animal instincts is a sin, for which they have to take responsibility.

It made me sick... Silent Hill with no fog.
Huh, and there I was, thinking to have faced the Fear itself.

Music... saved...
Don't worry, kitty, I won't let them hurt you.

@music: Nightwish - Swanheart
[700x525]

When you've loved and you've lost someone close to you, nobody feels like you.
But every time that happens, your heart grows stronger. Because they all keep on living within you, keep on fighting for you. It means that you can see them, talk to'em, when you really want it.
And when the time comes, they will meet you in your last hour and lead you through. Through death.

[Do not pity the dead. Pity the living, and above all, those who live without love.
Because there are far, far worse things in the living world than dying.]

What we fear is not the death, but the vagueness.

[Dying does not hurt. Quicker and easier than falling asleep.]

If you are able to accept it, if you are sure to prove your existence, death becomes just a guide of yours. Out of this world. On to your dreams and happiness. Otherwise you may try living once again. But do you want to lose your memory? Of course, it's the most simple way out. But there is always another one...
The man always has a choice between life and death.

[Смерть пересекает наш мир подобно тому, как дружба пересекает моря, - друзья всегда живут один в другом. Ибо их потребность друг в друге, любовь и жизнь в ней всесущи. В этом божественном стекле они видят лица друг друга, и беседа их столь же вольна, сколь и чиста. Таково утешение дружбы, ибо хотя о них и можно сказать, что им предстоит умереть, все же их дружба и единение существуют, в наилучшем из смыслов, вечно, поскольку и то и другое бессмертно.]

And in the end, if you imagine death, there is no death at all. Because you know it.

[“Tell me one last thing. Is this real? Or has this been happening inside my head?”
“Of course it is happening inside your head, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?”]

@music: The Rasmus - Not Like the Other Girls
[700x525]

Life of pain and hope. Life of loss and courage. Life of true love, which could not be taken by dark despair.

[From the tip of his wand burst the silver doe. She landed on the office floor,
bounded once across the office, and soared out of the window. Dumbledore
watched her fly away, and as her silvery glow faded he turned back to Snape,
and his eyes were full of tears.
“After all this time?”
“Always,” said Snape.
© J. K. Rowling]

Real noble ones always walk in the shadows.

@music: Mogwai - You Don't Know Jesus
[699x471]

Mystifications of delusion and fear slowly turn away. The sky turns grey but clear. The whispering dream fulfils the shadows of the shy wind. And the snow... It came to witness the beginning. The snow always comes in time. And this time, more than ever, it is pure.
A stranger came back. I can feel him. He's seeking. For us.
Strange.. But the past hasn't been totally lost yet. Some things.. some really precious things are still around.. Why for? Who knows... It doesn't matter in the end. They are for good.
The first answer came sooner as expected. Is destiny just playing? More likely so...

[You can sleep when you are hurt. You cannot sleep if you hurt another.]

If we could understand it earlier... There would be so much less despair.
But some things are unavoidable.
Love is one of those...

@music: The 5th Element OST - Five Millenia Later
[700x525]

Great. That is enough.
Enough despair, enough pain and hatred. Enough of crying out for shame and forgiveness. It won't come just because of begging for it, calling out for dead dreams of the past. I'm sick of that.
Once the sin is commited, it has a reason. We always get what we deserve, maybe sometimes we just don't realize it. In a perfect way. All of our past and scars on our faces had been planned long before we recieved them.
I've become too numb... that is the reason of my dreams.
How are you supposed to heal the pain of your loved one, if you are not able to take care even about yourself? And I'm saying, that's enough!

From this on, I throw the Defiance. I call out the Destiny for a fight. I want the answers.
It doesn't matter what Hell has been prepared for us. If you can't overcome the pain, just get used to it. Life of fear and expectation of loss will only make you suffer in the end.
We must go on, so that nobody would ever say, that we had lost our chance.

P.S. Only now I've realized the true meaning of Linkin Park lyrics. It is saturated with grief and hatred. They are emo. No strong words, they don't fit music and voice clear enough.

@music: Godsmack - Straight Out of Line
[700x525]

What's going on..? I just don't get it.
Every time I try to set things right, to revive the true nature of beauty and life, it only goes worse and more painful. Just let it flow..? But I can't watch those bloody dreams of despair just pass me by... They hurt.
Each time I fall asleep I see something scary.. Sometimes from the past, sometimes not... I just want to be sure those dreams are not real.
But... nobody tries to prove it. Why..? Am I so desperate, too naive?
What has changed?

Damn. I'm losing my mind, going insane... Somebody... Save me... Please...

@music: Hi-Fi - Средняя школа
[700x525]

Memories and feelings are meant to be separate from each other. But sometimes the pain of despair is so huge, that it flows into the memories, leaving incurable wounds.
And then, remembrance ain't a place you can hide from the world any more. By going back into your memory, you resurrect the despair, hatred. It comes unreasonably, hurting deeply... And when another pain comes, memories come out from the darkness by themselves...
Because they all become connected.

We have changed. But still, we are together. Some day the wounds will be healed.

@music: Mogwai - Take Me Somewhere Nice
[700x525]

The elf stepped into a big hall, still hardly breathing. His hands were shaking, and his swords were shining in the timid light of the ruins. His hair was white with a little blue lustre among it.
- Nicely done, - he smiled to himself. - But still.. What next?
And then he saw it, a shining sapphire in the center of the hall, almost under the ceiling. It was hanging in the mid-air without any visible support. It seemed like a magic flow was holding the stone there.
The elf started walking slowly towards the gem, but the next moment a slip from a nearby wall touched his ear. He glanced there, right in time to see an icy arrow approaching his positon.
- Splendid, - he whispered while cleaving the spine. - Is it necessary to activate every damn trap in this ancient building?!
But he'd got no more time left to think about that. Five more arrows from different directions were flying towards him...

@music: David Baker, Shawn McPherson - Devils Never Cry
[700x560]