Some people just don't see when you need them to. It hurts when you ask them to do smth that is really important to you and they don't. Even if it costs them practically nothing.
Someone smart said smth like "Those who deserve your tears will never make you cry".
Reasons for not doing? Purely selfish. So what? Do i have to admit that all people are selfish and self-centered? That each person can let you down? I don't want to live in this world. This thought comes and comes. More and more often. I'm so tired of disappointments in people. I need people so much. I need them around me. And simultaneously I can't stand them anymore. I just want to die or to live in some beacon and not see anyone at all.
I'm so tired of always being alone. Even in a room full of people. Especially in a room full of people. Really it's kind of easier for me to be alone when I'm really alone. When I don't think of people who should be here with me but they just don't care. It is selfish but I'm tired of seeing normal people with normal lives. Part of me is happy for them but another part raises sad memories each time i see them. And i can't stand that too. I'm just so damn tired( Everything is just like in fog. I am not able to see clearly anymore. I'm afraid i'm at the beginning of the road that leads to nowhere. And I'm moving fast, too fast.
fill your life with something else
fill your life with something else
fill your life with something else
fill your life with something with something else
fill your life with something else
fill your life with something else
fill your life with something else
fill your life with something else
fill your life with something else
Some people expect smth from us, don't they? Very often they expect from us smth they wanted for themselves and didn't get. They put pressure. It can go from love if there is some. But even in this case it can be selfish, not purely but..
But if there is no love? If it like some kind of loveless cruel machine? Like as person has some point of view on how people should act or live. Even if he doesn't follow his rules himself. Oh, he thinks he does. But he doesn't. So what does he do? He tells other people what they have to do not seeing at all what do those people want or need. He is 100% sure he is right and he despises any deviation from his wonderful plan for others. Nice. Really. Are there any humans on this planet?
This is one of million ways how to destroy a person. There is of course the opposite one which is not good too. When somebody doesn't expect anything from you. Maybe because he is too selfish to care or he just doesn't see anything in you, doesn't believe in you. Nice too, isn't it?
There must be smth good somewhere in the middle. And there must be love of course and humanity. When a person doesn't press, doesn't impose his view. He can just believe in you. He is able to support you even if he disapproves. He is able to let you choose your own way and make your own mistakes. Hmmm, yep this person is supposed to be an angel..
Are they real anyway?
[450x299]
Настроение сейчас - tiredThis need for freedom is so strong. I just want to breath in the vast green field. Thoughtless.
Настроение сейчас - -
Hm, why is everything seems so light to a child and so dark to an adult? The things for a child seem uncomplicated, he just takes them as they are. He even can think that everything around him is normal, in so many situations he doesn't even compare his life or his environment with other peoples' lives. He can just live.
But when he becomes an adult, all this pressure comes and with it comes the understanding that his life wasn't normal, that it should have been.. must have been different. He begins to compare and now he sees the difference between normal childhood and the poor excuse for it. Oh, he can think that somebody's life is worse..much worse but can it help? Does it ever?
It is so much easier to take things as they are. It is so much easier not to compare. It is so much easier not to suffer. It is so much easier to live than to exist.
Happy Valentine's Day to everyone.
Настроение сейчас - гадость
How is it posiible to be so messed up? Maybe it is really the true that smb put the evil eye on me? Like some strange woman near the subway said.. I know it's their business to trick such idiots like me for money or anything.. But really? I'm one of the most luckless people on this planet. Everything is just not working. And I don't know what to do(
I want so many things.. but as time passes I am starting to believe that I am not made for them. There will be a moment on the edge when I don't want them anymore because it is so much easier not to want than to want and never get. Or more - to get them and be disillusioned.
And this stupid cruel winter.. Cold in the inside, cold on the outside. Does everything have to be so hard? Why can't things be easier?
Loneliness is fine like Jon Crosby sang.. But is it?
Настроение сейчас - That's so easy - desperate
How could fate be so damn ironic?! How is it possiple to put such a strong need to understand and to help people in such a stupid person who does everything not to let other people come closer than on a km?
Life is so damn ironic, isn't it? I hate my thoughts that come with the night. And tears. Too damn desperate.
Настроение сейчас - cooooooooold
It's true that whatever happens with us changes us. Whatever happened with us made us who we are now. Probably if you hate somebody you'll try not to be like this person and i really hope it can be a success. So should i thank the person who i hate for having qualities that i despise if she kind of helped me become who i am? Even if she did it by being a selfish bitch or by non-existence in my life? I hope i'll never become like her.
Ok, let's assume that i'll never become one. That i'll become a selfless and generous person. It is good if i am able to use this selfless generosity. I don't know.. to save somebody.. to help somebody. In this way it does have sense, but if i am not? For what was it all? If circle doesn't close?
Damn, too much shit in my head.
Настроение сейчас - Шикарное
It's funny. You can be obsessed with morality and all moral shit. You can be even considered as a very good generous person but in some moments you understand that you are not better than any other person. Everybody lies.
I lie to my mother when i'm taking her money and acting as though everything is normal. And i hate her every minute of my damn life.
I lie to my great-grandmother when i don't tell her many things because i can't stand her critics and disapproval any more.
I lie when i don't say things that matter because i am too afraid to be wrong.
I lie to myself when i'm acting as though i don't care.
Every day I lie to each person who asks me how am I doing.
I lie to myself when i convince myself that i want to live... or not?
Настроение сейчас - Замерзшее
It is interesting how are people changing during their life. Or staying the same.. Which things matter? It's kind of funny when somebody wants something badly but everything inside him does everything not to let him get it. Yeah, funny. And sad. It doesn't make any good to delve into your past, but how to stop?
Hate destructs, doesn't it?
How to learn what do you really want? If everything you have is doubt.
How to live if you don't want to? If you barely find the things to live for?
Yeah, miserable existence.
No comments.
Настроение сейчас - indefinite :)
Интересно, что лучше - потерять или никогда не иметь?
Does your past influence you? Hm, stupid question. Of course it does. But where is the line between real influence and using your past as an excuse?
If your childhood was let's say .. not good and you feel bad because of it. Can you blame it for being a not normal person? No, not a psycho or some mad killer. Just not normal in society, not being good in communicating with people, making friends etc.. When a normal person finds it natural to speak to people or chat you have something inside that block this natural feeling, you are always afraid to say smth wrong..like you're afraid of making some stupid mistake. Maybe the fear that people will think about you smth wrong (like as they don't :)) is too strong in you.
About relationships with men.
If you didn't have a father would it put you in an awkward position in them? If mother's boyfriends were not so interested in having parental relationships with her child? And let's say mother wasn't interested in having parental relationships with her child either? Maybe it has an influence on a person's opinion on how much do other people need him? And in this case I'm afraid it is zero need. Perhaps a person doesn't think he'll be needed by anyone, both female and male.
But with male the situation is more difficult as the person doesn't have much experience in communicating with them.
So where is the line?
Sun Gangs
Some say you'll never
be gone forever
some say there's music where you go
I've no faith in my heart
tell two apart
ocean above from sky below
Where I am going you can't save me
Don't wake me honey
for love nor money
I have no more I can pay
'til we're here alone
and the seeds have been sown
and night returns to break the day
Where I am going you can't save me
Where I am going you can't save me, yeah
Seed a dreamin
boxed a screamin
the world to love
the right to know
Now I hear violins/ence(?)
out from the silence
don't want me love?
then let me go
Where I am going you can't save me
Where I am going you can't save me
Where I am going you can't save me, yet
Настроение сейчас - Заложенное
Как же я счастлива, что дома!! Ну, на 90 %)
Никогда не отдыхайте в Алании!! Это клоака. Зато я была счастлива вернуться домой... Во всем, как оказалось, есть свой плюс :)
А в Сочи было дико весело!! Персональное спасибо el viento contrario и всем, кто там со мной был.
Так странно, уже послезавтра 1 сентября.. Осень, учеба (интересно на каком курсе?), новые впечатления, а лето машет лапкой на прощание. Интересно, что нас ждет в новом "учебном" году: что-то новое или хорошо забытое старое?
Уже намечается парочка проблем. Правда, до них еще далеко.
И вообще не так уж нас все плохо) Почитайте "Победитель остается один" Коэльо или посмотрите третий сезон Торчвуда.. Вот там все действительно ОЧЕНЬ плохо
Ах да!! Кими сегодня выиграл в Бельгии!!!!! Вот оно счастье :)
Настроение сейчас - Дискомфортное
Нет, ну конечно, понятно, что каждому надо что-то свое.. А как найти свое? Как достичь гармонии с собой? Чего-то добиться или наоборот что-то исключить из своей жизни?
Вот сижу я бессонными ночами перед компьютером, беспрерывно пью чай и ищу ответы на свои вполне бессмысленные вопросы, на которые в принципе может и ответить нельзя..
Смысл жизни? Кхе-кхе. Это понятие уже заезженно так, что уже живого места не осталось.
Как-то все опять паршиво. Хотя ничего вообще-то и не изменилось.. Интересно, почему в один момент - паршиво, а в другой - полет беспричинного счастья?
Сложно все как-то. Хотя, это скорее я все усложняю.
Через неделю - в Сочи) В поезд хочу, а вот в Сочи.. Во мне почему-то живет стойкая уверенность, что ничего хорошего меня там не ждет, по крайней мере, вначале.
Результаты из Лондона еще не пришли.. Так что, что мне прогнозировать: карьеру гениального экономиста или не менее гениального дворника, я не знаю.
Ах, эта чудесная неизвестность.. И с тобой хорошо, а без тебя еще лучше..
Тоска загрызла, крыса..)
Персонально Кире: Как вы там?)) Ты не думай, что я по тебе не скучаю.. Просто корректно даю вам время и пространство, чтобы насладиться жизнью.. А вообще-то очень скучаю. Хотя в Сочи мы возможно дружно дойдем до военного положения :))