How close to dying do I have to come to desire living again?
Настроение сейчас - hopeless
I always want more. People are very rarely satisfied with what they have. I'm no exclusion. And no - thinking about other people having much worse lives than me doesn't help. By the way just think about it: somebody always says that you should be happy for what you have because there are people who give everything to have a life like yours. Ok then. Let's assume that I'm happy. What now? Does this help those people? No. It only helped me. I'm not happy but I will be because there are people who are not. Oh yeah.
I hate it when actions are far from words. Of course I slip sometimes but still I do it only when it concerns myself. Not other people. And even it is about me I still use an opportunity if life throws me one. But I just don't understand people who say that they want to change and to be better or more open-minded but despite having one opportunity after another they give in to smth usual and habitual.
I'm no angel to judge. I'm just starting to find it very hard to stay close to these people. Flaws, shortcomings.. We all have them but we also can't stand some of them in other people. And it is of course up to people to try to change or not. It just depends on how much do these people really need us to be there for them.
Настроение сейчас - Oh God.. I want to sleep
maybe it is just easier to recognize life as a complicated thing and do nothing than to realise that it is in fact very simple and you have the whole world in your pocket as the latter really means that you have to actually do smth.
Настроение сейчас - is there any?
Throwing my life away as always. It has become some kind of a hobby, hasn't it? Yep, I don't have anyone to blame but myself. Turns out I just can't do anything properly. Whatever. If nobody cares why should I?
One morning made me think that it doesn't matter what I'll archieve in my life or what I won't achieve until I have the opportunity to watch the sun rising.
+ Of course my oxygen - music. Maybe for someone it is a pathetic existence but not for me.
It is just that I don't give a fuck about myself. If smth concerns another person.. really concerns. I will try. I will try hard until it really works. But for myself I won't do this because I just don't care for myself. AT DAMN ALL.
"Sometimes you have to get lost to be found". Maybe that? Or not)
Настроение сейчас - shit
so...
why are memories of some things are better than those things really were? Or at the exact moment people can't see their happiness? Maybe they need some time to evaluate it? To compare it with all the crap that happens to them? Do people live at all? Or the only thing they are doing is analyzing everything? Or possibly it is the only thing that I'm doing. Living-existence-living-existence. Choose one.
snow. snow + rain. snow+rain+cold. In april. Really?
i don't want to be cruel. but i can. i can be very cruel. sad
if you have nothing to loose is the risk valuable?
despair. nothing sticks. indifference. do people see only things they want to see? is it possible to live in a dead house? surrounded by dead needless things?
i don't feel anything. is it possible?
Настроение сейчас - really?
something will always make me wanna go and kill myself.
I like to blame people around me so much.
I still do it but now I feel so remote like I don't care. I just don't care about anything. As if I see my life from outside and don't give a damn.
I envy people who have found themselves easily. Do they have some kind of map or chip sewn in their heads?
Gray gray gray.. All I see is gray
Настроение сейчас - like zombie
Nothing to write about. Everything is relatively fine.. Except the occasional feeling of indifferent/hopeless nothing.
Spring. That's positive. Walk, swing, singing, hope, warmth at least.
Future. Uncertainty, fear of uncertainty, occasional lack of belief in myself, bla-bla-bla...
Inner conflicts of course. They corrode from the inside.
Loneliness/people
Faith/fear of betrayal
Step up/step down
And of course my main problem - I don't want anything.
I've been alone
All the years
So many ways to count the tears
I never change
I never will
I'm so afraid the way I feel
Days when the rain and the sun are gone
Black as night
Agony's torn at my heart too long
So afraid
Slip and I fall and I die
I've been alone
Always down
No one cared to stay around
I never change
I never will
I'm so afraid the way I feel
Days when the rain and the sun are gone
Black as night
Agony's torn at my heart too long
So afraid
Slip and I fall and I die
Настроение сейчас - crappy
St. Valentine's day = crappy mood as I've concluded. Not as a holiday perhaps. Just
-bad timing
-weather
-set
-unwillingness to live (yes-yes again, I can hear)
-pessimism.. whatever
-and loneliness of course.. Who am I without it?
Yep, it really says it all.
Настроение сейчас - Snowy/sleepy
Strange. I always thought about home as it is not mine. I always wanted to escape.. to get the hell out of here. Which is diffucult in winter. But now when I have an opportunity to move out I don't want to. Many many reasons but are they real reasons? Or excuses as I don't like changes?
I love this area. What else can I say? I love it here in spring because I can ESCAPE in spring. I can walk along the Moscow-river's bank, ride on a swing, sing and revel in despair. And I don't want to leave it! Yep I don't want to leave my despair. Marvellous. Here everything is relatively fine apart from the lack of compromises. But this lack can ultimately kill me. As far as I know myself I'll stay but what will happen here to me is a big big question. At least I have places to escape ;)
Ok, enough about sad things. What about positive? This year I have decided to make impulsive thoughtless (or practically unconsidered) actions. And making these actions really brings me happiness! New, previously not experienced happiness. All my life I measured everything, thought about all possible concequences taking into account the worst outcomes and ultimately did nothing. As my friend said I took a passive part in my life. And it is very close to truth, but now I hope I've changed. And I am happy. At least for now. Some major decisions and I am going on quite a different way. My way.
I can't make a move. Freedom. The most desirable thing.
I want to change things to make smth. But everything is a deadlock.
I have to make choices I don't want to make.
Darkness. You left me in the darkness so darkness I became.
Настроение сейчас - dreamy ;)
I want to love. I'm not sure that I can but I want to. I want to be in a fucking love.
Last summer I wasn't able to but that eventually turned out as a good thing. But I do want to be able to love!
Though cynic in me says smth like
"There is no love in this accursed universe...
Love is only for those who believe in Easter Bunnies"
Except what would this world be without love? Would it exist without it at all?
And maybe it is so hard to find it because it is everything. And why the hell do we have to have everything?
So.. The year is practically gone. What did it bring?
Catastrophic relationships. But they were my first.. So, cheers! Cheating, self-absorption, going crazy in the end and it is not about me. Consequenсes for me? Collapsing of faith to people, of that tiny little wish to be loved and coming to the idea that I'm not able to love. Maybe I just block this feeling subconsciously - I have many reasons for that, maybe I just can't. Like I can't miss anyone. It's like self-defense. You don't get hurt if you don't love. You don't feel hurt if you don't miss anyone. Simple.
People are terrible creatures. They lie. They hurt each other. They think only about themselves. They judge, always. Even if they say they don't. Especially when they say they don't. They are intolerant. They can let you be their friend but when you need them they just don't want to listen to you. They often want more. They can turn from decent people to cruel monsters in a second. End of the world? Oh, perfect idea!
It is hard to live in a place that is killing you. Where you can't change anything. It makes you think that you can't change anything in this world. Then why even try?
Collapsing of big plans. Destruction of another piece of the already very small pyramid called self-belief.
Quitting this, quitting that = goodbye hope, it was so nice of you to drop in.
Of course, not everything was so bad. But sitting here alone in winter again.. I don't want to live again. Sometimes friends help, but sometimes they even make it worse.
I want everything to be perfect and it is my right to. I won't ever again apologize for wanting smth, for being smb or for saying things I want to say. I am who I am and if people don't like this version of me they can go to hell. I'm not a model assembled out of others' preferences and wishes. It is one important thing I understood during this year.
People are of course terrible :) But they are not so scary.. So if you are open-hearted they can be even nice.
It is not right to stay where you don't belong. Even if you are escaping it is not wrong because you are trying to find a place where you can be happy instead of staying in a place where you aren't and will never be.
Regrets are useless. You can't change your past. Maybe you made many stupid mistakes but it doesn't matter now. Now you can only try not making them again. Inability to forgive yourself for your mistakes can turn to an inability to accept yourself for what you are.
Sometimes you like to give presents if you had a lack of them in your past.
Настроение сейчас - I want to live in a lonely lighthouse
Do you feel like I do
Tired of everything?
Can you feel what I can
Almost everything?
I wanna leave today
The sky is big and my life is small
I wanna leave with you
So we can build a perfect garden
The stars are far away
I can see them with my eyes
I watch them burn away
Like the moments of my life
I wanna leave today
The sky is big and my life is small
I wanna leave with you
So we can build a desert garden
MMmm...
MMmm...
The stars are far away
I can see them with my eyes
I watch them fade away
Like the moments of my life
Strange how the houses look
Exactly all the same
And you're just a slave like me
At least I know it's true
I wanna leave today
The sky is big and my life is small
I wanna leave with you
So we can build a desert garden
The stars are far away
I can see them in my eyes
We watch them fade away
Like the moments of my life
Настроение сейчас - dark grey
What do you think about double standards? They are often around us, even in us. We are so fond of criticizing other people for different things, but when it comes to us we can easily make the same choice as those who we critisized did. Where does it lead us? Are we hypocrites whose most defining quality is lying to ourselves?
This world is always about double standards.. Appearance, pull, wrong choices.
Even certain qualities in friends. We choose our friends according to the list of qualities. Sometimes it is the list of good qualities we want to see in our friends. Sometimes it is the list of qualities of negative qualities we don't want to see in them. So then why when the person is already our friend and suddenly appears to have one quality from that (-) list we easily forgive him/her for that?? Why can't we be objective when it comes to our friends? And if to speak about objectivity can we be objective at all? We all have values, experience and past. Everything can influence our objectivity.
So the question is how to still be yourself and not despise yourself if at every step of your life you can betray yourself and can even not notice it?
Настроение сейчас - curious
To what extent does our need for people really depend on their qualities and nature? Do we need certain people or just their presence? In other words do we love relationships or people?
It just happens that we meet some people and there are billions of people we'll never meet. So we just spend time with those we have met. If there is an attractive force acquintance turns into something more: friendship, love.. But in the end anything that really counts is this force acquintance/chemistry, isn't it? Of course many of us have the list of important qualities we don't want to see in people beside us. If to look just at the list with shortcomings we all understand that the longer the person is beside us the more we are getting used to his/her presence and his/her shortcomings. And in many cases we just can't let go even if nobody gets anything good from this relationships anymore. We don't want to change anything - we are so damn afraid of changes.
People or relationships? Certain attitude to us or presence of the most important (for us) qualities? Do many of us deserve both?