I hope you understand what fear is before you have to feel it.
I hope my neurosis don't rub off on you.
I hope you always have enough to eat.
I hope you're never bullied and I hope you never bully others.
I hope you find love.
I hope you don't die before your time.
I hope you don't blame yourself for things that are not your fault.
I hope you're always playing your tape and I hope you'll visit me when I'm old.
I hope you are true to yourself.
I hope that rejection doesn't stop you loving.
I hope you never experience war.

What, are you come to teach me?
Well, would you want 'Philosophy' or 'The New Wayne Rooney' ?
Will it be poetry that lights your eyes?
Mine are shining and my tears flow free...
Oh my son, what have I done?
Brought perfection to this world of confusion heedlessly...

Настроение сейчас - Not bad at all

I think I'm in a distant love :) Yeah I know how that sounds. But it's me talking so you shouldn't be surprised.. 

I was at my first wedding (not mine I mean :), but 1st). Yessss! One of my friends got married =) Nastya, congratulations by the way if you are reading it now! I wish you to love, to be loved and to be happy until the very end. Andrew, too :) 

So where was I. Ouch, in love. Let's say I met smb at the wedding. I even made some kind of the 1st step and the other one. But still no reaction. Funny. Still it doesn't stop me from feeling this) It's kind of strange. Maybe it's just summer giving me the same reaction that cocaine could have probably caused. He is so cute. Oh hell. Ok then. We'll wait. At least I can say that I've done everything I could. The only thing left is to stalk him to his apartment and show myself as a crazy maniac. I think I'll pass.

Beside that I was travelling around Ireland for 2 weeks. It was nice too. So many cities, so many emotions and even pretty normal coexistence with other people (closer to the end at least). Thanks to everybody who has been there with me - It was real fun.

And I've seen Florence & The Machine live at Phoenix Park, Dublin. She is a GODDESS. Really. Her voice, energetics.. Wow. That only was worth the whole trip. 

And I think I've found MY place:

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I haven't seen it but I hope to next year during Southern Ireland Lighthouse Tour. I'm definitely going to do it. 

What I wanted to say is that I'm having a great summer. Hope you do too.

I just need to write smth. I don't really have anything to write about so I'll just blabber. 

Summer! It's good to be living in summer. Nothing has really happened to me recently but it is simply good.

I'm quitting one of my jobs. It's time to say goodbye to Soyuz. I am really glad that I've worked there. It's really encouraging to finally find out that there are places in this universe where I can feel that I belong. Makes me think that maybe there are some more of them ;)

Future? Yep, that's always a problem for me. No fucking idea. So let's say I'll just be going with the tide.

What is this perfect model of living? For me of course. It's not to finally choose from the list of polar things It is this unbelievably hard to achieve balance.  It is not loneliness or being with smb but mix of both in right proportions. And for such a maximalist as me it was always impossible to understand but we all become wiser somehow. And I want to travel.. It is really the only thing that crosses my mind when I think about life. So I just need to find a job which requires a lot of travelling. Advice please?

I need a solid detailed plan. And future will be looking a little less fuzzy.

The most important thing is to be honest with yourself. So let's try it then.

No going back, huh? And still I do. Too often. Last summer/spring were pretty messy. And as I love my pride and of course my ability to erase people from my life I still can't erase the memories and feelings which are suprisingly still alive (possibly proof that they were real, mine at least). Or maybe it is just the timing as you know: "this time a year ago I was blah-blah".. Or "oh, that song was playing when..." Shit. I hate it. It is pointless. There is no turning back. And I'm in love with memories not with real things. And it is stupid. I'm stupid. 

Wow, it is better. Yeah, being honest is awesome. 

I have to stop. I have to stop berating myself for not feeling things I don't feel. As time goes I understand more and more clearly that for everyone's sake including my own I should alienate myself from other people. I shouldn't have any ties to anyone. I have to be alone. I need it. I have to stop pretending when I'm with other people. Stop being nice to people I don't want to be nice to. I should be more my own person not one with a thick shield of ''I want to be nice to everyone and what other people think about me''. I want to get to my core and on the way erase all sham. I don't feel connected to most of my friends. And because of that I feel like a terrible person but why should I? I JUST DON'T FEEL IT. It doesn't make me aweful it makes me me as I am now. Yes, many I - ME, aren't there? But I really want to understand what person am I really as recently I've understood that I have no idea. And maybe that stops me from moving anywhere in my life.

I have to find out who am I, what do I want and what am I capable of doing to achieve it. And I really need solitude to feel whole.

Wow. It sucks. This feeling of eternal absolute loneliness. I don't know how to run away from it. It is always jumping out of nowhere. One moment you're ok and another you are imagining yourself cutting your veins in detail. I don't see any purpose. I want to feel smth good. I want to feel fucking anything. I want to care for my family. No it is not true. I want to HAVE a family. I want to feel good enough for anything. I want to feel needed. To feel cared for. God why is it so painful. Is it life really? If yes I don't want it. At damn all. 

I'm just alone. And lonely. There are people but I just can't let them in or they don't really want me to. 

And I have no strength to move on. The past has too much control over me. I understand it but I can't do anything about it.

Again. I'm nowhere.

Lost in this lost world. Aren't we all? Funny thing: when you see someone lost too you are so sure that you can save them. That you can be that tiny thin rope that'll lead them to the world of happiness or to at least a place where desire to live still exists. But how can we be so sure? Or it is more of a hope? Our desire to be saved? Deep inside each of us needs love and care but the older the more cynical. The more hard-hearted and the less capable of love. At one sudden moment you find yourself feeling only hate and disgust. To yourself to other people and to the world outside. We need to be saved and to be saviours. But as time goes we can be neither. Too cynical for the former and too cold-hearted for the latter. And this disproportionate pyramid of senses, hurt, hate and despair begins to tumble. Not in a good way. Not to disappear but to become a more durable foundation of a new one.

People are so fragile when they are alone yet they want to seem strong and independent in public. Doesn't make sense, does it? We have so many counterforces in us and sometimes it seems they are breaking us from the inside.

And by the way when we finally get this one real chance to be saved and to be happy we fuck it up cause we are already too disgusted with ourselves and after all that crap we can't really feel anything anymore. 

But maybe just maybe somehow somewhere sometime there will be somebody who'll manage to make us happy.

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Настроение сейчас - Perfect

I know I don't often seem optimistic with all that "I want to die" thing, but at this exact moment I'm happy that I'm alive because... I'm in Florence. And I'm writing this while sitting in a cozy hotel room with a marvelous view on Baptistery.

And I have visited Siena today and... I know here I should write about its beautiful cathedrals and stuff but you already know it so... I bought a cd "Go - the very best of Moby". And here is what I've read while sitting in a train Siena-Firenze:

ok, i'll be honest: i've tried to write an essay for this ‘best of’ cd booklet, and it hasn’t been that easy. here’s my dilemma: do I write about the fact that I never expected to have a career in music, let alone a ‘best of’ record? to write about that seems a bit narcissistic, right? well, as narcissistic as it might seem, here goes: i never expected to have a career in music (it’s true. i actually expected to make music in my bedroom, have a day job, and dream about someday having friends who would be willing to listen to the music that i made), and I never expected to sell any records, and I certainly never expected to ever in a million years release a ‘best of’ cd. I’ve had songs that had been played on the radio? are you kidding? I’m just a weird bald guy who makes music in his bedroom. I’m not supposed to sell records or have songs that get played on the radio. it’s very odd to me. nice, of course, but odd. to continue the essay-writing-dilemma…

I also want to write about the world in which we live and the myriad issues/problems with which the aforementioned world is constantly confronted, and maybe toss in something about quantum mechanics and the inherently un-inherent nature of all matter (‘matter’ itself being a chimerical misnomer, he says nerdily), and how fundamentalists of all stripes are ruling and ruining the world, and how if people want to fight each other on the battle field they should be forced to go camping together for the weekend first (or at least play tennis and have lunch) as a way to air out their differences, and how life is short and I’m simple but I believe that we should probably all just worry less and spend more time doing nice things that we enjoy, and how it really is obscene that so many people on this planet feel so justified/entitled in violently forcing their will/beliefs onto other people, and how the world and universe are complicated beyond our imaginings and it’s the ultimate act of hubruis and fallacious thinking to believe that any aspect of the nature of the universe is in any way comprehensible to bi-pedal hominids whose life span is, on average, 1/1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000th the length of time that the universe seems to have been in existence, and how religion can be nice when it compels people to be kind and compassionate and forgiving but not so nice when it compels people to superiority and violence and arrogance and judgementalism, and how our reliance on petroleum is ruining us, and how sustainable agriculture and energy are not crazy hippie ideas but instead are sensible ways with which to advance and protect the future of humanity on this planet, and how our ancestors will be dismayed that we killed 50,000,000,000 animals a year for human purposes and how we allowed lobbyists and big businesses to subvert and corrupt the democratic process and force us into needless wars, and how the world would be better served if someone whould build more water-parks, and how life is very short and needs to be appreciated and enjoyed through work that is satisfying and friends and romance and dogs and music and food and charity and kindness and decency. and, possibly, I would, at the very end of this essay, write about how I really have an almost fetishistic love of run-on sentences. possibly because run-on sentences most accurately reflect how my brain seems to work. which might be a problem in and of itself, I don’t know. ok, I never expected 

I am a mess. Isn't it funny that behind such a stable and seemingly self-sufficient loner's facade we have ruins of hurt, anger, self-pity, disdain and despair? And in fact who does even care? Facade is more than ever enough for the majority of people. Of course it is so much more important what we see - not what it really is. Appearances. My favourite. You still surprised where does disdain come from?

Fickle thing life is. Just the day before yesterday I was sitting with a cup of coffee during my break and having the time of my life. Alone. Really. I was happy and self-sufficient, satisfied and didn't have a care in the world. What changed? Nothing. And here I am again. With all that depressive baggage I seem not to ever get rid off. Is there any point in this? Or it is just some cyclical sadistic way to get me over the edge? To that dark but so attracting place where I'll find peace at last.

Yeah, scary. But as I've said earlier that's winter for me. No light, no hope, no angels with dirty faces. Just this deep bruised hollow hole. Yes, my soul that is.

So another year is gone. Wow. It was.. different. Looking for smth, even having smth for a short period of time. Revaluation of values, failure (who can live without some), hurt, joy, even love that came down to nothing. 

As it turns out having two jobs and practically no free time helps to understand that you are better off without some people in your life. And I'm not capable of regrets. Good for me.

Thank God for that plus for my inability to miss smth and sometimes even to feel smth. It is so much easier like that.

-You ever get lonely?

-Only around people.

What is it about this line? Caring for the person beside you so much more than he/she does about you. Like you are here, really here and he/she is not. That's when I can miss people - when they are next to me. And this moment  is the beginning of the end. That is when you stop looking for any sort of excuses for them and just let them go. Especially  when they really want to go.

I've done some crazy things this year and it was fun) Without happy ending but still fun. I hope to carry on. Such an interesting and unpredictable road..

Fear of many things is gradually leaving my conciousness. Maybe it is just because I'm too tired even to experience it but still it feels better. My unsocial nature is now more close to "I-hate-you-all" than to "I-don't-know-how-to-socialize". Definitely better for my self-esteem.  

First job..second job. Major steps to independance and disownment from people I hate and despise.

I'm becoming less caring and less sensitive to other people's problems. It is not very good but it is life I suppose. Cruel selfish bitch, isn't she? Still less feelings  --> much more strength. Robot is of course not a very welcome outcome but smth in between sounds very appealing.

Another year.. Life goes on even if it is full of emptiness.

Настроение сейчас - unfortunately only partly destroyed

Oh hell, I'm tired. Two jobs but I still have time to think about uselessness of my life (or life in general). Sometimes I'm feeling like I'm on the edge. Now for example. It'll sound strange but it is good. I want to be beyond the edge. I have a feeling that there will be THAT change, turning point or smth. I'm not sure if that change leads to good things or bad but still it is a change so let's assume that in my chronically depressive and darkly pathetic condition all is for the better. 

It's kind of I don't know self-destructing thought. I want to tire myself to exhaustion (to death really but I'm not that strong). I want that kind when you are so tired that you can't even feel anything. It is easier to feel nothing because of that than because of not caring about anything anymore. Suicidal? Maybe. But that is autumn and winter for me. 

And no I'm not tired enough to do smth about it. Maybe will never be. 

Настроение сейчас - Shit again

Does anybody want to take me on
Does anybody want to hear the things i have to say
I fear today
Does anybody want to see me cry
If i\'m the only one i\'d rather die

Thoughtless baby
Thoughtless baby
Thoughtless baby

Does anybody want to see me smile
Does anybody want to open up and see what\'s vile
Sometimes its like it\'s said
Sometimes it\'s thrown away

Thoughtless baby
Thoughtless baby
Thoughtless baby

Does anybody want to take me on
Does anybody want to see me die
When he cries, throws away

Thoughtless baby
Thoughtless baby

Does anybody want to see me cry
If i\'m the only one i\'d rather die

Thoughtless baby
I\'d rather die

Does anybody want to take me on
Does anybody want to take me on
Does anybody want to take me on
Does anybody want to take me on

 

Настроение сейчас - ShitShitShitShitShitShitShitShitShitShitShitShitShitShitShitShitShit
 

Careless. That's how people are with each other. It's so easily pathetic to use your pride as a shield for your carelessness. 

People don't care for each other. They do only if it suits them. So if talking about pure emotion it isn't there. And I'm sitting here glaring nails in my hand to stop feeling this shit and realising that I don't care for those people anymore. I don't even care if they are dead or alive. Makes me a really nice person, doesn't it?

But I do really understand now that I don't need people at all. I don't miss those who are no longer in my life. I don't need to share events of my day with anyone. I'm used to not having people around me. I'm used to their selfish uncaring personalities. So loner is a loner. That's who I am now and probably always have been. Primary and secondary socialization are not easily knocked out of you, aren't they?

And why really blame yourself if you can easily blame others?

Goodbye Summer.

Every summer I wonder how long would it be. More often than not it is too short. But now I can say that it is neither too short nor too long. For me its length is determined by crap (or not) which usually waits me in autumn. And yep earlier it was my favourite university. And now nothing is expected from me. I can say that it is a very comforting feeling with a little piece of freedom. Of course my words can be interpreted by some people as words of a looser without higher education but I don't care. I really can't understand people who go to work everyday and hate every second of it. Maybe I'm a looser maybe I'm not happy as I should be but if I ever had a real job it would at least bring me joy. Now I just need to find out what kind of job that would be.

My wonderful thoughts about living in a lighthouse have returned. Now they are so much stronger than before. Someone once said that my only problem is meeting wrong people but ironically he turned out to be the wrong one too. 

So life goes on. And it doesn't care about your problems. Like an indifferent impenetrable wall along the path of your life. But probably for those who are not afraid it sometimes becomes lower.

Anyway I can't say that I'm sad or happy about the end of summer. I'm just indifferent. Seasons change, life goes on and I'm just living. Maybe someday I'll find a place where I belong.

Strange feeling. I feel like I am an empty hollow cover. Closed like I don't know a closed space. 100% empty. Without feelings, organs, anything.

Bonus: I also don't give a fuck about anything.

And now being in this condition I'm wondering again what is better? To feel or not to feel if feeling is the exact thing that leads you to the indifference? Like a closed meaningless system. Like a line with two ends.

Feeling smth strong <-----------> Indifference

I'll return to the starting point I know but then after some time I'll return to the ending point too. And now I'm wondering what the fuck?

I'm not sure that both ends are worth anything. And I'm not sure that I'll be fond of the person I'll become after a couple of such transitions.

Cheers to the triggers. Both future and past ones.

Rip the earth in two with your mind
Seal the urge which ensues with brass wires
I never meant you any harm
But your tears feel warm as they fall on my forearm

I close my eyes for a while
And force from the world a patient smile

How can you say that your truth is better than ours?
Shoulder to shoulder, now brother, we carry no arms
The blind man sleeps in the doorway, his home
If only I had an enemy bigger than my apathy I could have won

But I gave you all

I close my eyes for a while
And force from the world a patient smile

But I gave you all

And you rip it from my hands
And you swear it's all gone
And you rip out all I have
Just to say that you've won

Well now you've won