thought it still should be posted, just for me maybe to read it later. more cries and complains. ready?

just know that somewhere far away, in another country, there is a boy, that loves you genuinely with all his heart, that would cover you from all the bad, that would never leave you in the lurch and always try to help you out as good as he can, that would always give you kisses when you need them, that will never love another girl, for whom you will always be the smartest and pretiest and just the best girl in the world. the boy that will always hope that you are lying under his blanket when he goes to bed and cry every night hours long just to let his pain out and have some sleep. he will always have a dream of hugging you tight and whispering into your ear that he loves you and kissing you as sweet as he can. you will always be the cutiest, sexiest and sweetest girl for him, whatever you think you are. he will always be yours as good as he can, even knowing that you don't care and don't believe him anymore. his first thought in the morning will always be about you, same as the other thoughts during the day and night. no, he doesn't enjoy to be sad at all, it's killing him, but he had better live like this as long as he can be alive than forget you.

кто-то теряет, а кто-то находит. это гребаная жизнь людей на планете земля. и не надо бояться расставаний, ведь ничто не вечно, все мы умрем. хотя мечта всегда жива у меня в сердце.

в каком-то фильме одна бабуля сказала, что всю жизнь пыталась разобраться в своей жизни и ни хрена не разобралась, зато поняла что не должно быть времени для грусти и печали. действительно, я думаю, что это может оказаться довольно глупым занятием - пытаться разобраться в своей жизни. а что если тебе не удастся и ты будешь терять время вместо того чтобы жить? а что если ты неправильно "разберешься" и потом пожалеешь?
абсолютной формулы нет ни в чем, ну кроме химии может.

зы так хочется выругаться матом, не знаю почему. просто поговорить на мате с кем нибудь. хотя обычно не люблю материться вообще.
кстати вы знаете, что в русском языке по сути всего четыре семы: блять, ебать, хуй, пизда? правда это только самые распространенные )

i dont need anyone. only you.

fuck.
no.
no.
если бы ты только знала как сильно я тебя люблю.

now i understand why they say that its easier to stop the pain that way. i understand why they do it. it is really easier.

i know that it wont change anything. everything what i write. it only shows what a bore i am. its only natural that you are not interested in me anymore.

i dont blame you for anything. i loved you. i dont seek for consolation. im just sick of being suspended. im sick of bothering you with my feelings. you dont miss me. you can do without me. you dont need me.
im just sick of hesitating. i told you my dream. it showed all my fears. and still you dont seem to get what i feel. im just going crazy. this dream shows it all. i dont like it. it hurts. and even after this dream. you dont care. what should i say more?
you easily choose your friends over me. its ok. you live your life, go on beaches, cinemas, parties with your friends. its fine, what use in some guy, who is so far away. its ok, i understand you. really, its only natural. i can do nothing with your feelings. im not an interesting man to spend time with, i know. maybe if i had some friends i would do the same. but im all alone. you were everything i had.
you said you didnt have money. but you had them. at least you could write me something other way. you dont feel sorry, cause you dont need me and you didnt need me yesterday. same as in previous days when you talked with me with your phone. and you dont miss me, cause i know what missing is. i missed you, i was going crazy. im just sick of bothering you.
and after what you did. you even havent explained anything. fuck. you dont need me. and this is the thing. should i tell you what i felt? do you need to know? will it change anything? the answer is no.
im sick of bothering you with my feelings. im sorry. im trying to reduce it. just understand that i dont have anybody, but you. be patient, im trying to stop bothering you. maybe if you could make an effort and tell me everything. i will stop sooner.
it hurts.

remember. though it was a long time ago. when you talked to some guy, i dont remember who he was. you told him that you had me and he said that you should leave me. because we wouldnt be together anyway. and you said him that he was stupid and that you wouldnt leave.
why? you was told to leave so long time ago.
i feel like my love to you had been only getting stronger all this time. you know, im not like others. i really dont know how to go on. i cant think of anybody else, but you. i cant love anybody else. i cant think about sex with anybody else. it feels awful.

i want to spend a night with you. in bed. to lie with you hugging me. to hug you. to feel your warmth. to feel you touching me. to stroke you. i know it would hurt me after all. and i know i cant change your feelings if you dont want us to go on. if you dont feel the same. the same as i feel. if you dont want me.
but its so insane. i got so insane. its too far gone. i need it. i feel like i can go mad. seriously. its not funny.

one day. one night. it will hurt me so much. but its better than what i feel now anyway.

what if love is just a chemical reaction?
its like i shouldnt take it all so close to heart. i had. i dont have now. its ok. it will go away soon.

you are so cute.

I want you to be my first. and only. so much. only you.

it is such a feeling. it warms me up inside. bottom of my belly. my chest in the area of my heart. i get dizzy. everytime.

and then it hurts cause you. and your boyfriend. awful i am.

you know, it took me long to believe you. too long. i knew that i loved you and i knew that i wanted only you. but even the previous summer. i wasnt believing you completely. i couldnt believe that all that things were real. that you were telling the truth. it was just too much for me. for my life. thats why it took me so long. i realize it now. when i met some new girl, i tried to make her like me. i didnt flirt, but somehow conceded that maybe i would like her. and later i think i just was falling deeper and deeper for you. you made me believe. you made me so, that i wasnt taking any girl as more than some female. only you was in my mind. since the autumn. i waited for the summer. again. but with different feelings. stronger. much. i knew that nothing would stop me. i knew that you were what i wanted. i wasnt worrying about anything anymore. i knew that i loved you. genuinely.

it was too hard to believe. to trust. i was afraid that you would tell me one day that everything was just nothing. that you would leave me. it was too hard to be sure.

is love selfish? if so, i want to be selfish. i want to destroy myself. i dont care about anyone. we all are so miserable.
looks like we all are waiting for time to go and nothing more. theres no meaning. or this is the meaning.
does love give meaning? does it give an illusion? it gives hope. love.

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this vacation's useless
these white pills aren't kind
i've given a lot of thought on this 13-hour drive
i missed the grinding concrete where we sat past 8 or 9
and slowly finished laughing in the glow of our headlights
i've given a lot of thought to the nights we use to have
the days have come and gone
our lives went by so fast
i faintly remember breathing on your bedroom floor
where i laid and told you but you sweared you loved me more

do you care if i don't know what to say
will you sleep tonight or will you think of me
will i shake this off pretend its all okay
that there someone out there who feels just like me
there is

those notes you wrote me
i've kept them all
i'll give a lot of thought of how to write you back this fall
with every single letter in every single word
there will be a hidden message about a boy that
loves a girl

do you care if i don't know what to say
will you sleep tonight or will you think of me
will i shake this off
pretend its all okay that there's someone out there who feels just like me
there is

do you care if i don't know what to say?
will you sleep tonight or will you think of me
will i shake this off
pretend its all okay that there's someone out there who feels just like me

do you care if i don't know what to say?
will you sleep tonight or will you think of me
will i shake this off
pretend its all okay that there's someone out there who feels just like me
there is

Love transforms the world. Where the lover formerly felt boredom, he now feels passion. The world which once seemed empty and tiresome becomes filled with meaning. Life for the lover is a gift, an adventure with the highest possible stakes; every moment is memorable, heartbreaking in its fleeting beauty. When he falls in love, a man who once felt disoriented, alienated, and confused will know exactly what he wants. Suddenly his existence will make sense to him; suddenly it becomes valuable, even glorious and noble, to him.

Love makes it possible for individuals to connect to others in a meaningful way—it impels them to leave their shells and risk being honest and spontaneous together. Thus love makes it possible for them to care about each other genuinely.

There is no place for the passionate, romantic lover in today's world, business or private. For he can see that it might be more worthwhile to hitchhike (or to sit in the park and watch the clouds sail by) with his sweetheart than to study for his calculus exam or sell real estate, and if he decides that it is, he will have the courage to do it rather than be tormented by unsatisfied longing.

The average bourgeois man has no overwhelming, smoldering desires. Sadly, all he knows is the silent despair that comes of spending his life pursuing goals set for him by his family, his educators, his employers, his nation, and his culture, without ever being able to even consider what needs and wants he might have of his own.

What if everyone decided right and wrong for themselves, without any regard for conventional morality? What if everyone feared loveless, lifeless monotony more than they fear taking risks, more than they fear being hungry or cold or in danger?

Being "carried away by your emotions" is discouraged in our culture; instead we are raised to always be on our guard lest our hearts lead us astray. And love itself is regulated. Men must not fall in love with other men, nor women with other women, nor individuals from different ethnic backgrounds with each other.

It is love that gives meaning to life, desire that makes it possible for us to make sense of our existence and find purpose in our lives. Without these, there is no way for us to determine how to live our lives, except to submit to some authority, to some god, master or doctrine that will tell us what to do and how to do it without ever giving us the satisfaction that self-determination does.

What if everyone decided right and wrong for themselves, without any regard for conventional morality? What if everyone feared loveless, lifeless monotony more than they fear taking risks, more than they fear being hungry or cold or in danger?

Dare to pursue your dreams? Why do you have them?

i was thinking about going to you on my own. im ready. i think i have enough money now. im just afrad that you wont be home when i come. one day. one hour. will be enough. i see that you dont need me anymore. i wont waste much of your time. i look pitiful now. but i cant help it.

im loathsome to myself.

today my phone was turned off, same as the day before. i wished so much that you had sent me a message while it was off. fuck.

there was no warmth, no kisses. you called me boy. i didnt liked it. at all. it hurt me. fuck. so much. why.

if you love me. if you really love. dont think about what will be tomorrow. im here now. with you. feel my hand. feel my lips. my kiss on your lips. my soul is so warm. its seeking for yours. if you love me. forget about tomorrow. be with me now. forget about tomorrow.

no.

i wish for the time of my life. even if it will be only for two days and two nights. they will be worth my every tear, former and future. it could be the time of my life. how i wish for that.

oh come on. stop it.


the worst thing is that i know you dont want to spend time with me and you do this because i feel awful. and i know that you will hurt me in the end, because you dont want to kiss me anymore. you can go on without me. but i feel at the right place only being with you. i can feel that eveything in my life will be alright only when im with you. to feel calm and secure only when im with you. so im not able to make myself not come and wait for you. all day long.

remember how you hurried to get back home and come online to be with me. so did i. and we spent nights together.

damn. who fucking care.